My friend and I once examined our worries on our way home from school. We did that sometimes, like all good buds, exchanging concerns and advice on both small and big problems. Luckily, this time it was only a "small" one. The young-and-dumb talking had been going on for five minutes or so, when the bus driver - for whatever reason - decided to go medieval on us in the roundabout. That moment had also been my friend's first attempt at steering the conversation toward his headache. Now, that bit of information flew right past me. I mean, I heard him just fine, but to my defense I was busy trying to get my but back in the bus seat. No, instead of catching the drift, I went on about with what we had been discussing before that monkey driver had force-introduced me to floorboard. Anyway, some minutes passed, and halfway home he revisited the topic. This time I got the point: HOLD MY CHICKEN! Did I hear right? Yes, that was indeed a double-sidetrack. Entering the same topic! I quickly realized that any other subject would be the real sidetrack, and so our conversation then became somewhat one-sided for the rest of the ride, as it should. Friends stick to their roles when the play turns sincere.
He did the talking, while I did the listening.
Now, to say that his problem was modest is not entirely true. As its dimensions goes, I estimate it was somewhere between fly-sized and all-encapsulating. Fly-sized in the sense that it did not protrude as some problem which just pops up and then heavily disrupts the flow of our daily lives. Not those maddeningly infuriating pickles like when your car breaks down or a tree falls over your house. Those may be tough depending on your situation and require time, effort and money, but thankfully they are one-time-fixes. You pluck the weed and that's that! Neither was it hard one-time-fix, like a break-up or death of somebody close. Those are worse, but we can get past them. No, his problem was considerable not because it stood out from the background (well, just enough for him to notice it), but because it had worked it's way into his fabric of being. Like a habit. All the little things we don't care to mention, but which our whole life revolves around still. Your routines are pretty much synonymous with you. In short, my friend wanted no less than to change and improve himself.
The bus ride went on and now the ball was in my court. It was time for me to share my experience and provide some useful perspective to his problem. And I think I did. After all, his expression became that of someone relieved by what they have just heard. I had shared what I considered to be an objective-no-bs view of it all. We then arrived at his stop, said goodbye and I was left to continue my ride home in solitude. But instead of being content with having helped a friend, I felt completely, utterly sick of myself. You see, I had realized that I was a complete phony!
"Why so phony?"
Not only did I have the same exact problem, but I had also just given advice on an obstacle I was unable to get across myself. In short, I felt like a real sleazy salesman. Sigh. But regardless of the fact that I had now come to realize my own inauthenticity, I knew my input had been as good as any he would ever find, even after years of searching. This confidence in my conviction was the result of now understanding that our reoccurring problem was only the spawn of a still greater fault we both shared. Which we all share. I had stumbled across the mother of all bad habits. Our incapacity to act thanks to our aversion to see our lives objectively; instead to persevere in the soothing lies we tell ourselves.
As we know, this thingy is not pretty. She puts great effort into concealing her children: all the things we know we shouldn't be doing; which lead nowhere else than to stagnation and regression in our lives. I'm talking about monsters like procrastination, or that lazy feeling we get when it's time to exercise, or the urge to watch just one more episode of our favorite show even though we should have gone to bed two hours ago. Or heck, if it's not lack of order we suffer from, then it's too much of it. It's just as bad to be an over exercised workaholic. Wherever our predisposition lies, what ultimately causes all of this - the overarching bad habit - is our failure to be straight with ourselves. We rationalize and fall into old behaviours and patterns that served us well before, but which are now outdated. All too often we simply cannot trust ourselves to know what is best for us.
The comical tragedy here is that we have always been in the know about this. I mean, you don't need me to tell you that your worst adversary is in yourself - it's not like this is news to anyone. Not really. But at the same time, it's not particularly praiseworthy knowledge, since it seems it provides only a nagging ought instead of a rouse to change. Too many of us are satisfied with merely recognizing the cause of our dismay and thus we resign to infirmity, believing that only knowing we could - if we wanted to - is good enough. HA! It is true of one who abides by the laws of proper procrastination, that he should at all times stay within reaching distance of his unfinished task, if he is to stomach himself. Hence we walk around as beasts of burden, suffering from self-imposed torment as we continue to deny, mull things over and justify our bad sides until the weight of our misery becomes too much.
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It is said that a fool that persists in his folly will become wise. A towering amount of us will at least once in out life learn this the hard way, when the world finally catches up to us and sweeps us off our feet. This happens because acted lies (e.g. bad habits) cannot sustain the happy, meaningful life. We all have some notion of what this ideal would be like, and so we can also move ourselves in the right direction and avoid the force-correction which awaits every fool. Misery, in all its degrees, is simply a hint toward the fact that one is not living in accordance with how the world really is.
Well, at least with how a human being should conduct himself in it. Our interpretation of the world is not perfect (and never will be), but it's safe to say that it is the most accurate among earth's species, at least from a Darwinist point of view. When the individual feels that he is at his beast, happy and fulfilled, it is due to him having correctly read the lines. Truth in this sense is moral at its core, meaning that human motivation is inseparable from any assessment we can draw from the universe, and shouldn't be either if the goal is a happy life. Now, to better one's interpretation of things, one must relive humanity's most priced myth. One must be the hero who leaves his comfortable, yet unyielding life behind, in order to go on into the unknown and overcome and change to something better. If he is unable to adapt to his surroundings, in other word to interpret the world and act accordingly, then he is done for. For you and me this means we should embody his most important characteristics: honesty (he is always truthful to himself) and courage (he is not afraid to fail and learn). This is the way to go in order to shed ourselves of our bad habits and settle inside improved, more true ones.
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Now, the courage part you have to figure out for yourself. Thankfully, it is not required for changing most bad habits, but is instead only needed when the time has come to make the next leap, big or small. All I will say about this is that it should be done willingly, because that way you are not on overtime. I can however, propose a solution (or trick) to our dishonesty before ourselves. This goes back to my introductory story.
My friend was not an exception to the rule. Of course he knew the answer just as well as I did, but was simply unwilling to admit so to himself. As was I, until I was forced to open my eyes in helping a friend. So, the trick is quite simply to see oneself as a friend, and give "him" the your best objective advice. I have found that this frame of mind lets me take a step back and get out of my own way.
Now it is time to move toward the concrete, which is to say that I will give myself some "friendly" advice on real, specific problems I know I should get sorted out. I have got to remember that implementation is key, probably 80% like. Good intentions usually stop where the skull ends. I should also keep in mind that taking baby steps and reaching smaller goals are the best ways to see results.
Some advice for a friend
1. First, get a schedule going
How do you imagine a constructive day? Find a pen, some paper, and jot down some times and tasks. It doesn't have to be perfect, just a draft. Even if you don't like the idea of dividing and organizing your time, you should give it a go. A schedule is not meant to be a prison, but liberate your time by making you spend it more efficiently. The focus shouldn't be toward what you have to to do, but what you want to do. And don't aim unnecessarily high. You don't want to have get caught in a relentless routine. Prioritize and give yourself some windows for margin.
2. Establish a healthy sleep pattern
Lack of sleep means bad quality all around. Your mood, work, friends - they all suffer when you burn the candle at both ends. Just make sure you go to bed in good time, ok? And don't think you can sacrifice the morning hours by lop-siding your entire cycle and staying up longer. What you didn't do today, you can do tomorrow. Remember, your resting hours are your foundation.
3. Take more responsibility
Not all of your convictions need to originate from within. Create more outside expectations, and stay accountable to those you have already established. Try harder in getting a job. Don't break appointments. Arrive on time. Call your loved ones more often. Always be ready to help your friends. Simply put, take more pride in seeing through your external duties. This will only make you better suited to fulfill those which arise on the inside.
4. Begin more projects, finish those you start
You have been steadily improving at this for a long time now, this is just a reminder to make sure you don't slack off! :) But seriously, if you find that you are better able to wrap up your undertakings, try increasing the workload. Slowly.
5. Get rid of mindless distractions
Think of all the wasted hours you've spent swiping your phone! All the YT rabbit holes! The Facebook trash feed. No wonder you can't focus on any one thing for more than a minute. Your brain has become mashed potatoes, dude, fix it.
6. Posture correction
You have done way too little to improve your stance since you became aware of your medical condition. It's affecting your whole live, man, so you better put in the work. I know it won't be easy, but just keep on doing it. You'll thank me later.
Ok. That was it. Hope you got something out of it.
@fisch out.
I really enjoyed reading this post, your vocabulary skills are immense.
This I can mostly relate to as I have achieved this myself.
I still need to work on my sleep pattern and posture though.
2 questions, have you ever written a book? and if not, why?
Thank you so much! I always get a kick out of this posting business when I hear that what I write actually resonates with somebody! My posts don't have to seen by many, all I wish for is that they, to some degree, hit home.
Nope, no books. HAHA. The thought has crossed my mind though.
Again, thank you! For taking your time to both read and comment. Made my day so far :)
I'd be interested to hear your perspective on some of these points of advice -- especially #3 (Take more responsibility)-- in the cases of those people who are depressed or suffering from mental illness. For those types of people, advice like "try harder" "always be ready" or "start more projects" can be guilt-inducing and overwhelming. How would you suggest people start getting in the right frame of mind to improve, before they are even ready to hear the steps of advice?
Self-consciousness is the culprit. It is clear to our inner critic that we really should be doing these "constructive to-dos". Guilt is the result when the list (whatever its contents are) is left unchecked. The longer you wait, the more shame of one self builds up. You feel increasingly worthless, and soon at a total loss in face of the daunting task. Depression is a very likely outcome from this scenario. Of course it's not the only way we hit rock bottom, but it is however factually true that people who score high in self awareness, also experience negative emotions more often.
First thing those who suffer from depression should consider doing is taking some kind of antidepressant. Their chemical cocktail is off balance and could need a helping hand. It's not cheating, it's effective. Because if someone is really, REALLY depressed, then he can barely imagine a frame of mind in which he is not flawed. Medicine makes you more receptible to advice.
Ultimately though, when it comes down to it, the ill individual must get going doing productive, worthwhile things. If he feels he's beyond saving, then he must do SOMETHING. Anything to get him out of his own head. Human company is great. But what you want ideally, is an upward going spiral which only begins by managing small tasks in order to increase motivation and self-worth.
The exact recipe is heavily dependent on the individual, though. Is it you own opinion that matter more, or the affirmations of people around you? Do you simply feel unable, or is it your genes which are not up to par? There is no surefire way.
Now, instead of trying to live up to one's own ego, one could just get rid of it xD. Not that it's at all obvious how one would go about doing just that. I would start by asking "Why do you really hate yourself so? What about this whole affair called living is so serious that you must look down at just the mention of your name? Why run away from your self by binge-watching or getting drunk? What's so bad about you? Well, aren't your friends just as bad? Do they not do just the same? Don't they criticize themselves?"
thanks for the wisdom you shared... this advice really connected with me:
Thanks for reading! I appreciate every single reader and every comment. Time is so precious, I hope to make it worth yours when you start scrolling the wheel. You can't imagine how good it feels to get to reach out to people with content they identify with and see as applicable to their lives - people aren't so different that we don't share some of the same troubles.
great post !! was fun reading, thanks for sharing ! will follow :)
Ty. Your reading speed amazes me.
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