Perhaps I could just be just like the rest of your children, I could hold your hands, I could feel your hands that would hold a spoon of medicine to my lips as I sweat out a fever, a bosom I could lay my head to as you rock me to sleep and sing me a lullaby.. I want to feel your heart beating as I pressed my heart against yours, did you feel the SAME? Did you feel the love I had for you? Or was it love I felt, alone?
You gave me away. Why?
If only you didn't... you said to let bygones be bygones. You said you didn't have a choice but you never said you were sorry.
Did you know how wrenchingly painful it was to watch you kiss and hug my other sisters? To hear the laughters? The conversation that you would never ever had with me?
You were not there when I first went to school. You were not there when I returned from school.
You were not there when I had my first menstruation, not there to explain to me why I had blood flowing down my thigh that morning.
You were not there to share my excitement and joy when I had my first kiss.... neither were you there when I needed a shoulder to cry on when I broke up with my boyfriend....😔 I grew up hoping and still hoping, if only time had reversed, would you still have kept me ?
When my water bag burst for my first delivery, all I wanted to hear was a soothingly motherly voice to tell me it was okay. I wanted to hear you say 'I feel you when I had you'..
Why Mother, Why?
Mother, did your heart break when you gave me away? Had you no love for me then? Did you turn back to look at me after you handed me over? Did it pained you to watch me grew up knowing you should have been there for me?
Throughout my teenage life, made it through adulthood...... I made many unforeseen mistakes but I endured it all alone. Why Mother? When I was emotionally down and suffering in frustration, why were you not there? I needed you then.
I have grown up Mother. Now I have children of my own whom I cling on for dear life. I will never give them away. I swear I didn't want them to feel the way I felt, missing the biological bond of love. I brought them all up Mother, single handedly. I showered them with love and care. We shared great moments together, Mother, which we both didn't. I was there for them, almost all the time. I didn't want them to wonder WHY and IF, like I did.
I watched you Mother, drifting away as time passes by. You have forgotten me. From the beginning, were we destined to be together? But rest assure Mother I still want you to know, I love you , have always loved you since that very day when I was told you were my mother ... if only you feel the way I do. I miss growing up with you, Mother... I really do.
The big WHYs and the big IFs... why did it happen. If only .... I will never know why.