Been a while since I was here last. Oh well!
Off late I've been feeling tired of interactions and people in general. Probably because I don't speak a lot of things out loud because, it's not expression anymore. It feels like everything is a topic of debate somehow- and I don't mean topics that need discussion. I mean thoughts, on just the random things or what I feel about certain incidents, or maybe just some color that I saw sometime.
I'm an avid over thinker and I have somehow managed to train my thoughts to not overtake(sometimes) and try to be more in the present, mostly in the nighttime. I've been going to my house terrace a lot and sort of just..listen to external noises, and everything around.
I talk to myself in my head, and I talk to the moon and the stars, and I think, a lot. I talk to things around me, I talk to my cats, I talk to the work that I'm doing- and it really stimulates me to do that, I feel like the work that I do- whatever it is that I'm doing at that point of time- comes out better and makes more sense.
Over the past few months, I have had some really disturbing experiences, some good experiences, but mostly everything just leaves me thinking, and I just feel so..singular. I had some hospital visits for health issues, depression feels like a part of my lifestyle since a very long time that I just cannot get rid of. I lost all interest in everything, not for the first time, just, again. I've had some therapists before but even then the conversations just felt forced because I didn't really feel like talking. That's mostly why I'm here writing this.
Once in college, the whole class was given this assignment where we has to combine all the work we did throughout the semester into a book and name the book. I named mine 'Consistently Inconsistent' and that describes me more than anything. Here's a page from it(please overlook the typo and the alignment of text if you can)
I have a lot of things that I want to do in life, really, I have a whole list which I keep adding things to; but I don't really want to be anything, or any one thing at least. I also have a list of things I like to eat XP. I have a list of movies that I wanted to watch, I made it when I was much younger than I am right now and I'm slowly getting to watch them all, so that's one list getting done.
I fear that my thoughts will just stay inside my head forever and I'll lose my voice eventually, cause it has happened before. I was scared of people and I was scared of talking to people and it just slowly went to a point where I had to force some voice out of myself. Figures, cause I was diagnosed with manic depression eventually, but I would like to think that I have a hold of myself and my thoughts again, a little, if not completely.
I taking pictures, I like walking, I like making little videos of animals that I see, I like looking at the sky, I like singing out loud and not just inside my head, I like dancing, I like painting, I like cooking, I like cleaning- it feels therapeutic to me. The list goes on and on, but the feeling..of just not being interested..it has come to a point that I can't get myself to cry anymore and I don't like that, and I don't want to be lost anymore. I'm tired, just, so tired.
Like I mentioned before, I have a lot of things that I want to do in life, and I have some plans and I'm forcing myself a little by little to do something, every day, that makes me feel like I amount to something- today would be writing this. Yesterday was cooking, after a very long time. I want to get back to myself, and I would like to think that I am, be it at any pace, but I'd still like to think that I am.
Himo
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