I've struggled with diagnosed clinical depression for almost a decade, though I truly believe it started before that. Grief is a whole different monster. A tough pill to swallow. I don't know how to calm down when I speak to certain people in my life. I don't know how to not take out my anger on people at times. I feel like I need to be heard in that moment. I am tired of feeling unheard and insignificant, as if I have no right to feel beyond f***ing angry and sad towards the entire world. My friends and family are dropping like flies, and in some cases, I just can't understand why. There is no understanding it sometimes. A lot of my friends were messing with drugs and overdosed, and that is always shocking, even when you're not really surprised... Sometimes you never get any real closure, either. You just have to learn how to live with the fact that those people are gone. It's hard to feel like the memories are gone too. I have a learning disability and I think there is something in me that struggles with retaining information. I feel mad at myself sometimes because I can't even remember half the things we did together. Then there's the fact that people don't even have to be dead to grieve the loss of them in your life, either. I read somewhere recently that grief will completely change your address book, and man, am I really feeling that. I am pushing people away like they're never going to run out. Some days I wish I didn't know anyone, just so I didn't have to ever lose someone again. To put it into perspective a little bit for you, 24 people that I loved in one way or another are dead now, and 12 of them were close. On top of that, because of all of the pain that comes with it, I have pushed away quite a few people who I thought would always be around. I've made new friends and lost them just as fast, because my attitude and reactions are completely out of control right now. I just want to feel the pain I'm feeling, and not be abandoned because of it. I want to be loved whether I am happy, sad, angry, or confused, WHATEVER! My eyes are puffed up as I write this, thinking about the people I've pushed away. I do my best to show up and love people, no matter what they are feeling as well... It's not always easy to accept someone as they are, I really do get that. Sometimes we are hurting in our own lives, and the best thing we can do is just go our own way. I really appreciate the people that stick around through turbulent times, those are the real MVP's! I can remember times where my friends and I were crying hysterically, and all we could do was just keep hugging each other and putting on crazy music. But we'd also turned to alcohol quite a lot, to distract ourselves from all of the loss, and try to have a shred of fun in a seemingly dark, DARK world. All I want to do is to feel it now, to honour what they brought to my life, and really just feel what I'm feeling. I don't want to distract myself from the grief anymore. So here I go, into the pain.
These photos are from a memorial party that was held for a very good friend of ours, and it is unclear as to how he actually passed away. My friend Eligh made the art, and (just in case) the graffiti reads 'The Memory of a Father Never Dies'
He was more than just a father, though I can't imagine how his kids are feeling nowadays. I wish I could see them, give them big hugs... He was also an AMAZING friend, a great partner to a dear friend of mine, a brother, a son, and definitely quite the joker. It's hard to think about how I will never hear his laugh again. But sometime after he passed, I had a very vivid dream about him. We shared a hug, and we actually said goodbye to each other. Even though I was dreaming, it was very obvious to me that he was in another form now, and I have to admit, it was pretty cool to see him one last time. I've not seen him since. I have a feeling his spirit is free now. RIP Trevor Schreiber, you will not be forgotten. I remember one time I spilled a huge bag of beads all over the sidewalk and he helped me clean them up. Or the time that I was in town for a while, and was invited to sleep over with him and his girlfriend, and @melanierosa, and we binge-watched the ENTIRE first season of Stranger Things in just one night. We stayed up until 5am, and I was a little spooked after, but still managed to get a good sleep in, somehow. I miss all the good times riding around on longboards/skateboards/bikes together, watching him interact with his children, and overall just generally laughing and having a good time. Playing with a frisbee on the beach. We went to a concert together before too, as a group, and he was there. I think that was the last time I actually saw him, too. It was one of his favourite producers, Longwalkshortdock! I will never get that chance again, but I will cherish the memories as much as I can. I'm reminiscing, missing my friends~
I think I'll share more stories of the angels down~
Stay tuned, if you feel connected to this!
I too have had dreams of people shortly after they passed... sometimes they were very close to me, and a couple I had not so good relations with. In every case, I always felt like they were free in my dream of them.
It's so strange to see them there, but so beautiful. I feel blessed by it, definitely. I couldn't stop thinking of him yesterday. He was like a brother to me. I'll write about the others in time.