Good morning fellow Steemians. I am coming to you now in my most blissful and sacret location...my recliner. Laptop buzzing and refreshments nearby, yes this is my happy place. The only place that I have been known to truely be able to clear my mind and think about the days events, upcoming priorities, and past endeveaours. That being said, let's go on a little journey shall we?
As a child, I was always a little awkward. I didn't really fit in anywhere I suppose. I wasn't smart enough to be a nerd, athletic enough to be a jock, or cool enough to be a skater punk. I guess you could say I was just lost amongst a sea of people that fit nicely into a category, and then there was me, the walking epitome of a square peg desperately trying to squeeze into a round hold somewhere. I was somewhat bullied in school but not to the extent that kids seem to get nowadays. No, it was mostly just petty poking fun and endlessly teasing. As I entered high school my two closest friends went out for cheerleading so I thought I would do the same. I was pretty petite so why not? Well wouldn't you know my extreme and irrational fear of heights reared its ugly head at that time. The mere prospect of being hoisted into the air gave me so much anxiety and my knees buckled under my own weight with every attempt at a shoulder stand. Not being strong enough or tall enough to be a base that was pretty much the end of my cheerleading days. Graduation couldn't come soon enough.
At last, graduation time came and I thought I could finally breakfree of a sense of not belonging. The cliques would be squashed and I could find my place in the world. I have come to realize and accept almost 17 years later that some type of highschool-like cliques and circles exist everywhere. I got through college without much difficulty because I really didn't make too many friends. None that I even still talk to. I wasn't a partier nor did I join any type of organizations. I just went to class did my thing and came home. Kind of like highschool ;
At last, graduation time came again. I was ready to enter the world and the job market. My first 5 years as a nurse were pretty easy for me to navigate. I was small fish in a a very large teaching hospital that had alost as many staff members as patients coming through. I never really felt significant therefore there wasn't much pressure. When I say that I don't mean pressure to do well at my job, I pressure myself for that. No, I mean there was no real sense of social pressure. Sure we had a nurse manager that was besties with the some of the staff nurses that occasional took mini vacations together. At best that could be considered an integrated team at worst could be seen as fraternization. I didn't really care as long as it didn't affect my job. Fast forward to today and I am working as a night shift ICU charge nurse in a very small hospital. I don't know what it is but feeling like more of a big fish makes me feel even more vulnerable. Maybe because it's such a small group that socializing together is more "natural" and expected. The more I talk with people, the more I realize that I have nothing in common with them. Yes, I am an introvert so I can easily adapt to conversation around me and only occasionally says something so awkward I feel like others will remember my embarassment for years to come. It is all very superficial though. I have only felt a true connection to two co-workers over the course of my 9 year nursing carreer.
Surprise! Team Social!
So you can probably imagine my horror when my boss wanted me to be the leader of a team social. The idea that we as a unit come together outside of work one day a month to hang out and NOT talk about work. I get the idea of boosting morale but does she really think I'm the best one for that particular job?? As I suspected, email replies for ideas were totally absent, so I chose a restaurant. Time and date was already established. I held two of these get-togethers and they were both a bust. The first one 2 people showed up (and they were both day shift nurses from when I used to work days). Second one nobody showed.
The crazy thing is I get along with everybody just fine at work. I don't butt-heads with anybody, I'm not agressive or passive-agressive. I've gotten nothing but good comments from the new people that come in that I train. I think it's just simply people settle in to their jobs then instinctively settle into that aforementioned highschool-like clique that I have never been a part of. I guess it's true, I don't particularly like to hang out with coworkers and they don't particularly like to hang out with me. This is by no means a complaint on my end. I am perfectly happy being at home and having time all to myself to recharge. Work is draining, the last thing i want to do on my day off is expend energy. I have no problem continuing an attempt at a team social, however, I feel like if is to succeed it should be headed up by someone other than this socially awkward butterfly. This is why I thrive in online communities. I don't feel like anti-social person. I love connecting with people. Most of my online experiences have been very positive ones. Negative ones don't affect me too much, it's the internet, I take it with a grain of salt. I at least am able to take time and compose my response in my own time and in my own way as opposed to being in a face-to-face awkward moment. Moral of the story... My entire life is one awkward moment separated by snacks. (Borrowed from a Facebook meme)
Thanks for Reading
Follow me @jennane