To continue where I left off yesterday…
I sat anxiously waiting at home to hear anything. My mother-in-law rang again. She told me the police made it to our home. They had called her and told her that they need my permission to enter the home because the front door was locked. She advised them to check the back door as well as his man cave behind the house, as those doors were often unlocked.
We didn’t hear from the police for hours after her conversation with them. I knew this meant that they had found something. But what? Was his car missing? Were they looking for him? Had he attempted suicide? Was he alive or dead? I didn’t know if I should expect him to show up at my front door or if that was something I would never have to worry about again.
I waited a couple more hours and finally called the nosy neighbor two houses down. I asked him what was going on. He told me the police were there and had been all morning but he didn’t know exactly what was going on. I asked him what kind of vehicles were at the house. He told me a bunch of police cars. I asked if there was an ambulance. His response was no. There was no ambulance there nor had there been all morning. I knew at this moment he was found dead.
He had hung himself with a tie down strap in his man cave. I’m guessing he did this the afternoon, evening, or night before. It was right around this time, as I’m sitting here typing this post, that I found out he was deceased. I didn’t know how yet but I knew he was gone. My nosy neighbor had told me that the police told him it was pills and alcohol. I wouldn’t find out for another week how it really happened. My neighbor had lied to me, therefore I had “lied” to my kids… pathological liars… but that’s another story…
I began to make my plans to go back to Texas. I was going to get in the car and go the next morning but people had advised me to sleep first so that I could think clearly and make that drive safely. First, I had to figure out how to tell the kids when they got out of school that day. I spoke with their counselor, their teachers, school director, and my family. We all came up with a plan to tell them with as many loved ones around them as possible.
My sister picked up the kids from school and took them to my parents home. Some siblings met us there as well. We told the kids. I honestly can’t remember what was said or who said it. I can’t remember if I told them or if my mom told them. I can remember their responses. My youngest immediately said, “We can go back to Texas now!” Then proceeded to tell everyone about the bed she had just gotten and how cool it was. She talked about her princess castle, her bed with a slide, and other toys that she had been missing. We asked her if she understood what we were telling her. She said, “yeah, my dad is dead.”
My oldest decided the best response to this news was to cry. He forced himself to cry and did for about 20 minutes but it wasn’t a real cry. Both of their responses were difficult to process. They weren’t what I was expecting. The biggest response from them was relief. I could tell that they finally felt safe. I think all of us felt that. None of us had to worry about the unpredictability of a bipolar parent, spouse, son-in-law, and brother-in-law. There was sadness as well but it wasn’t the underlying feeling.
I had been dating a guy for a couple of months at this time. He sat down with me that evening or the following morning, I really can’t remember, to help me devise a plan. He told me that he was going with me to help me do what I needed to do in Texas. He laid out a weeks worth of stuff. Started telling me what we would do each day in order to accomplish all of the tasks in a weeks time. I asked, “When do I see my friends?” He was silent, then quickly added “friend” time into “my schedule.” I followed with, “What if I need to take a step back and just think, relax, and just be in Texas?” Silence followed… So, I said, “I’m leaving in the morning with the kids. If you want to come next week you can do that but I need to go by myself initially. I need to soak this in and I need to take all the time I need to do this.”
I’m glad I did! I couldn’t have stuck to a plan the first week back in Texas. There was too much to take care of that had nothing to do with cleaning out my personal belongings.
And… I’m going to stop here today. The next installment will double or triple the length of this post. My daughter’s home now and we need to go grocery shopping! :-)
Thanks again for reading and following this series.
If you missed the first post you can find it here: https://steemit.com/life/@jewels3/what-if-today-was-the-last-day-of-your-life
The pain runs deep... it can be felt through your words... I felt an ache as I read the childrens reactions.
It does... I’m not sure if any of us really know how to process it all. Writing is actually helping a bit though.