For many years I was plagued by a recurrent nightmare where I was stranded in an unfamiliar part of the city and I couldn’t find a taxi or a bus to take me to where my daughter was waiting. That dream was related to my constant worry that I won’t make it in time to pick her up from kindergarten or later school. I am a single mother and at that time I had a very demanding job so each day was a struggle. She was in a private institution so they wouldn’t throw her out, but I didn’t want to fail her.
In a sense, being a single parent means that you’re hard-pressed on time since there’s no one to help out. On the other hand, being single also means you can dedicate your child all the time you would have spent on your partner and keeping that relationship alive.
As odd as it may seem when my eldest was a toddler, the other mothers that I’d meet at the playground actually envied me. One of them said to me one day I was so lucky to have so much time to spend at the playground while they had to hurry home and cook. Here in my country, old mentalities rule. The woman is expected to care for the children but also have dinner ready and the laundry done by the time the man comes home. Being single meant I could set my priorities however I wanted. I don’t know anything more precious than the time you get to spend with your kids. It’s not just the milestones you don’t want to miss, but also the knowledge that this time is short. As they grow up they’ll want to spend time building their friendships and becoming independent, until they eventually leave. I am glad that I got a chance to put my children’s needs first without feeling I’m neglecting a “significant other”. Giving your child your time and paying attention to their wants and needs is essential if you want to build a meaningful relationship.
Another thing that distinguishes single mothers from those in a relationship is responsibility. You have to decide what’s best for the kid. How do you do that when many times you don’t know what to do with your own life? Fortunately, there’s this wonderful thing called mother’s instinct. Or going with your gut. It’s scary, but also liberating. My eldest is an adult and my son is turning 15 tomorrow so I can look back at some of the decisions I made and I’m happy I did.
Quick example - in 2020, my son was not as independent as he is today so when the Covid madness started I had to decide if I trust my judgment enough to not give a fuck about masks and disinfectants. Am I willing to bet my kid’s health on my beliefs? (Incidentally, my children’s father was completely freaked out so he strongly disapproved of my very radical views.) I’m happy my boy was spared the trauma of living in constant fear of getting sick and dying. Back then I was horrified when he told me other kids on Discord were saying they actively believed they could die… Instead of living in fear, my son learned that freedom is more important. He went to protests, he learned to look out for the police when masks were mandatory everywhere, and he learned to sneak into a mall illegally just to prove we can do it. Some of the things we did were a bit crazy, but my son grew up to be a rebel and not follow blindly, something I fear will be crucial in the times to come.
This week’s prompt asks for any advice we might have for single mothers. As I was saying above I’m almost out of the woods with grown kids so many of the struggles are behind me. From this vantage point all the advice I can give is hang in there. One day you’ll be able to look back and smile. And be proud you did it!
Many people here know my daughter, @honeydue, and yes, I am very proud of the wonderful adult she is today. Just as proud as I was when she was learning to walk. She speaks some hard truths in her own post on single mothers, things that never crossed my mind when I had her. A few months ago, I wouldn’t have understood her point of view. Yet, as I’m currently exploring my past and my own hurts, I understand why things look very different when viewed through a child’s eyes. There’s a lot of talk about the challenges of being a single mother, but very little about the challenges of growing up a single-parent child.
He sounds to me like an exceedingly well-brought-up kid! And of course, honeydue's genius is known far and wide.
:)
He matured a lot these past three years.
YES, she does! She caught my eye a long time ago, and she's been more active lately. It's always great to read her posts.
I'm not a parent, and never wanted to have kids and still don't. I grew up with both parents, but I do remember having the odd thought when I was a little girl, that even if I ever had a child, I would see me wanting to grow that child alone. It was a strange thought for a child to have I think, and when I got older, I saw that thought as selfish because of the number of single parents I knew who ended up that way not by choice.
You've both addressed poignant views on this subject; About aspects that never crossed my mind.
I'm now married and my husband has a son, whose mum decided that she wanted to raise my stepson alone after his mum and my husband ended their relationship (that's long before me:)
She did a fantastic job at raising my step-son, to be a grounded, open-minded, and critical thinker, who is smart and intelligent and so much more:)
Kudos to you for raising someone as worldly and smart as honeydue:)
Thank you so much for your kind words!
I don't think the image you had of raising a child alone was selfish in any way, but it was quite strange. At present, my views on the complex relationship between children and their parents are heavily influenced by Dr. Gabor Mate's works. I found many enlightening ideas in his books and my guess is you may find the meaning of your odd thought, too.
Thanks for stopping by!
Oh, I appreciate you steering me towards this book. I'll check it out. Thank you:)
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Being a single mother is challenging as well as there are benefits to it. You can mold your child without much of other influences the way you want, and everything is at your discretion. Happy to see you doing so well with your children and being their guiding force. Loads of power to you