Just something I wrote today. If you can't handle mention of rape/abuse/suicide, avoid it.
I can only distract myself with video games for so long
before I am fetal in the shower
sobbing as scalding water hits my face
images bombarding my psyche
the obvious ones first,
my dead best friend
my murderous ex, those evil eyes
my mother, my mother,
I love you mom, even now,
even now that I realize...
how much you hurt me,
how neglectful you were to me,
I was just a little kid,
you don’t let your kid get raped.
but still I love you,
I know you hurt,
I know you were raped,
I know you hurt still,
I know you try to drink it away,
and I know it doesn’t work.
I know you sit in the shower,
scalding water hitting your face
sobbing,
thinking about your little girl.
but you are protecting your son,
you shouldn’t protect the rapist.
images from my childhood,
it wasn’t good, but some of it was,
the star chart, the beach, the puppet game,
the tickles,
thinking I had the best mommy in the world.
I thought that until I was 27,
when I told you what he did,
and you didn’t kick him out.
that’s when my world was really shattered.
that’s when I thought I couldn’t possibly take anymore.
and then Shawn left,
abruptly, and my world shattered a little more.
and then I dated an ex-con,
and that got pretty scary when he tried to kill me,
or when I had to fight to get that shot gun out of his mouth.
when I curled into the corner of the room covering my ears,
ready for the gunshot,
wondering how to handle seeing a grown man’s head blown off.
and then my best friend died,
bashing my head into tile to stop myself,
to stop the broken record in my head:
kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself,
crying out audibly
“SHUT UP. STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP”
but it didn’t, not for a long time,
and it still visits my some time,
but now I distract myself,
with video games,
pushing all the images out of my head.
you, my mother, my dead best friend,
that girl I used to be, the chances I never had.
and now it’s that time of year again,
all the reminders of the family,
the things I will never have.
So, I sit in the shower and I cry.
If this is true....
Your mother (or maybe your father, or both) abused you much more than you know. Hurt people, hurt people. And, it sounds like she never healed herself from her trauma. And thus, did many things to you (that you consider normal) and now you have no boundaries, no idea of what is good, or what is proper behaviour. You do not even know what a loving relationship is like.
You are suffering from CPTSD. Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
You are having emotional flashback. These are flashbacks where you were too young to remember sights/words, all you remember is the emotional pain. And these get triggered by a memory, an incidence that is a reflection of what happened to you in childhood.
You will never get to healing until you get to the root of what is ailing you. These traumas that you keep reliving are just triggers for something much deeper.
I suggest this person's videos and courses: https://www.youtube.com/user/SPARTANLIFECOACH/videos
and this book: Complex PTSD From Surviving to Thriving
https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1477936285&sr=1-1
Thanks for the materials. I do know that she was abused, they both were but I also know what a loving relationship is like...writing helps me work through the shit. I only recently (months ago) cut off my mother entirely, which was a huge step but with it comes me having to face a lot of repressed stuff.
However, PTSD is an accurate diagnosis and I will definitely check out the book. :)
excellent post, I like what you write, congratulations great value
Thank you for your bravery, writing for you seems like a great way to express all these long held emotions. Keep expressing on!