Just now, I wept. I cried like a scared child. It was amazing.
The moment I woke up I felt that there was something I needed to let go of. I felt like lying in bed and sleeping although I didn't feel tired anymore. Aren't I supposed to jump out of bed feeling fully motivated? After all, I found my mission. I get to help people to unfold their potential and enjoy the process with all of my talents. Don't I have everything to be grateful about? I knew I had to dig. I felt ready. And so I sat down and asked myself: Why don't I jump out of bed every morning? Why do I prefer to lazy in bed for a while instead of serving my purpose and mission right away? Could be the cold weather, ey? If there was something to discover, I was determined to find out about it. So I meditated upon the question: What is holding me back hidden deep in my subconsciousness?
Suddenly I felt strange sensations in my face that I hadn't experienced in a long time. I remembered my childhood. Especially when I was sick I would feel these sensations. Unpleasant and mostly related to a feverish state. Yes, I expect you as a reader to call me crazy. I stopped caring a long time ago about what others think of me.
My face felt really heavy. Like my skull, cheek and teeth had turned into stone. Also my tongue felt heavy. It was a sensation that I knew too well from my childhood. A crazy uncomfortable sensation. I decided to get comfortable with the uncomfortable. I felt more and more into it. What was this trying to tell me?
I learnt autohypnosis. Well, actually, every kind of hypnosis is autohypnosis. Only once you agree to go deep into your subconsciousness, you can let others guide you into a deeper state. Anyway, just before, I dove deeper into my subconsciousness through autohypnosis. Asking myself: What is this strange, yet familiar sensation trying to tell me?
I was the heaviness of despair. The heaviness of loneliness. The heaviness of unwantedness.
I remembered I was crying and screaming a lot as a baby. I wouldn't stop. My dad would take me for walks for hours and hours just to stop me from crying.
"Mama doesn't hear me!", I heard myself thinking.
"Mama doesn't want me!"
"Mama doesn't love me!"
I started crying.
The fascinating thing with autohypnosis is that you can reach a state in which you're awake and aware, yet you get to observe the images, feelings and sensations of your past and the physical or emotional reactions like an uninvolved spectator. The stronger the emotional reaction the more you know that you touched on something that wants to penetrate the surface. I decided to go deeper and feel more into it.
I started coughing heavily.
A had a difficult birth. I seemed like a miscarriage. Pregnancy intoxication. I didn't make a sound when I left my mother's womb. "You were grey", she usually described the dramatic first moments of my life. The doctors tried to reanimate me with all that they could do. Allegedly it wasn't all nice and tender. Finally, they managed and I coughed and screamed and cried myself to life. The difficult start into my life explains why, for years and years, I had been terrified of doctors or anyone wearing a white clothes.
Forgiveness
I felt more into it. I started breathing deeply, still shaking and crying. I reached the root. I decided to remove it. There's one magical tool to do it: forgiveness.
So I forgave who had inflicted the trauma upon me. And I asked them to forgive me. Coughing and crying first. Smiling and crying of joy and relief later.
Hardly anyone inflicts pain upon someone else willingly and consciously. I didn't mean to cause sorrow to my mother when I wouldn't stop crying. My mother didn't mean to cause me sorrow when she didn't pick me up immediately when I was crying, especially considering I cried a lot as a baby. Nor did the doctors mean to cause me any sorrow when they smacked me back to life. Heck, without them I wouldn't be here. We all cause pain, albeit through our actions or inaction. We're usually not aware of it. It's just life. We can, however, make a conscious choice now to let go of the pain. Forgiveness.
By allowing yourself to let go of the pain you'll most likely stop inflicting the same kind of pain upon others. All it takes is the willingness to get to the root, the courage to confront and forgiveness.
Are you still holding onto something that's been holding you back?
Against who do you still hold a grudge?
Who did you not forgive yet?
Remember, by holding on to the pain, you'll only poison yourself. Only you can free yourself. It's not easy, especially not at first. But, jeee, is it worth it!!!
If you're not ready to confront yourself with an intimate subject in a public area like this, feel free to share your story with me via e-mail: [email protected]
It's a judgement free zone ;)
Much love
Oh yes. That's where we all land once. Sooner or later the crisis grips us and we are thrown back on it. With a smile I think of yesterday's lesson about "coming into the world painfully". Then the speaker said: "Why do we actually congratulate people on coming into the world? Rather, we should express our condolences and mourn the fact that another human being is following the path of suffering and those who have died should be wished a happy journey, so that they may escape the wheel of suffering forever. With joy we should say goodbye to the dead."
Well, I like that very much: This humorous way of twisting things and turning them upside down. It is better to be able to forgive oneself. It was the same for me: over a period of ten years I had to struggle with the birth of my son and regularly went to war with those involved (of course only internally). I have compressed them according to all the rules of art, despised them, abhorred them, called them weaklings and cowards and even more. My anger was just and strong. Finally I was forced to forgive my state of fear, terror and powerlessness. All accusations, like "I should have known better, I should have reacted differently" became clear to me and I thought: Well, what should you have done differently than you did? Forgive yourself for not being a superhero.
And so on. These moments always come back when they are triggered by new events. Constant work is that already. And not an easy one. But nobody claimed that either. But once you have overcome something, a very inspiring, even beautiful world opens up for you.
I agree with you.
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This is fantastic! I’ve not heard the term autohypnosis but practice something similar that helps me figure out the subconscious roots of my distresses. Great post 🙏🏽
Cool! What is it that you practice? Thanks :)
I practice a clear seeing process... where anytime something happens that is upsetting to me, I dig out all the mind chatter that gets triggered (I’m not worthy, she thinks she’s better than me, blah blah etc) then verify what if it is true, false, or what I don’t know (aka stories we make up based on beliefs held by our egos). Once I am down to the truth of the matter it takes a lot of the emotion away and I can process with more honesty.
Interesting. Ive been feeling down lately and dont seem to know the cause. Maybe the sinusitis but nah, don't think so. Haven't heard of auto hypnosis before though neither have engaged in hypnotherapy before. Would like to give it a try.