-Dealing with depression.
It has been the greatest and most difficult years of my life, I learned that everything is temporary, moments, feelings, people, flowers. I learned that love is about giving everything and letting it hurt. I learned vulnerability is always the right choice, because it is easy to be cold in a world that makes it very difficult to remain soft. I learnt that all things come in twos. Life and death. Pain and joy. Salt and sugar. Me and you. It is the balance of the universe.
It has been the year of hurting so bad, but living so good. Making friends out of strangers, making strangers out of friends. Learning mint and choc chip ice cream will fix just about everything, and for the pains it can't fix, there will be my partners arms.
"We must learn to focus on warm energy. Always. Soak our limbs in it and become better lovers to the world. For if we can't learn to be kinder to each other, how will we learn to be kinder to the most desperate part of ourselves?"
-Rupi Kaur
The world is designed to depress us. Happiness isn't very good for the economy. If we were happy with what we had, why would we need more?
How do you sell an anti-ageing moisturizer? You make someone worry about ageing.
How do you get people to vote for a political party? You make them worry about immigration.
How do you get them to buy insurance? By making them worry about losing something.
How do you get them to have plastic surgery? By highlighting their physical flaws.
How do you get them to watch a TV show? By making them worry about missing out.
How do you get them to buy a new smartphone? By making them feel like they're being left behind.
To be calm becomes a kind of revolutionary act. To be happy with your own non-upgraded existence, to be comfortable with our messy, human selves, would not be good for business.
So I've decided to share some of the things that I do to help cope with anxiety and depression. Always be kind to yourself and remember that this healing comes in waves. On some days you will drown, and on other days you will float. On some days you will feel broken, and on other days you will feel renewed. Be patient with yourself.
The first thing that I always do, and which seems to help the most when I'm feeling down and out is to try and understand what I am feeling.
Get to the source - write out your thoughts, even if its only for yourself to read. Write clear, and hard, and passionately. Spill your emotions out onto the page.
Clean your home or personal space.
I've come to realize that this is actually very important to do if you want to have a clear mind. It also gives you the feeling of being in control of something - the way you organise your space.
I've noticed with myself that, if I am sitting in a cluttered home/space, I begin to feel extremely uneasy and edgy. And the moment I pick up a broom or cloth to clean, it sort of calms me down. WEIRD I know! Try moving around the furniture in your house/room. A change of scenery and visual perspective can be a godsend.
-Hit the gym!
I know that the LAST thing you want to do when you're feeling like shit is to leave the house and do any kind of physical activity. Sometimes walking to the toilet down the hall to pee was too much of an effort for me. But it helps, I swear! You've got to push yourself and fight through the emotions that you're feeling.
But how do you do it? How do you actually workout when you have depression? How do you find the motivation or productivity when depression keeps fighting against you?
A LOT OF SELF-LOVE is the answer.
On my bad days, the ones where even getting out of bed seems like a task I will never achieve. Where it feels like my body is being weighted down by bricks, and my mind is filled with a catastrophic thunderstorm that will never release, I could not care less to take care of myself. I don't care about my daily Green Juice (Spinach, Apple, Lemon, Mint. YUM!) or brushing my teeth, or ever getting out of bed. On those days I feel absolutely no hope of me even getting better, so why even bother trying? Right?
You don't get better on the days you do feel like going. You get better on the days when you don't want to go, but you go anyway. If you overcome the negative energy coming from your tired body or unmotivated mind, you will grow and become better. It won't be the best workout you have, you won't accomplish as much as what you usually do when you actually do feel good, but that doesn't matter. Growth is a long term game, and the crappy days are more important.
Try looking at working out as something that your body is capable of doing, instead of something that you have to do.
Start small. You gotta keep telling yourself that it's worth it. Remind yourself that even if you neglect your mental health, you can't neglect your physical health as well. You have to protect your body, It is the only one that you have. So start by doing some small movements, just to get the body moving. Try stretching, Getting up to drink water and maybe try taking the stairs instead of the elevator. Then when these small movements become more natural to you, try incorporating more physically demanding exercises. There's no need to go out of your way. Simple things like taking a walk or jog, riding your bicycle, or even just slow walking on the treadmill at the gym. Being in an active environment can help with your mindset.
Develop a daily routine. Even if its going to the gym at a certain time everyday, that's an achievement. Even if your routine consists of JUST going to the gym once a day at the same time everyday. That's okay. Its a start. And you will feel like you've accomplished something.
I don't think people understand how stressful it is to explain whats going on in your head when you don't even understand it yourself.
You will never change your life until you change something you do daily. The secret of your success is found in your daily routine.
-EXCELSIOR
"Excelsior. It means you know what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna take all this negativity and use it as a fuel and I'm gonna find a silver lining, that's what I'm gonna do. And that's no bullshit.
That's no bullshit. That takes work and that's the truth."
-Pat - The Silver Linings Playbook
Excelsior - A latin word meaning "ever upward"
The Silver Linings Playbook is probably the only movie that I can relate to and identify with. If you haven't already watched this movie, You should do it RIGHT NOW or you know, when you have the chance. Taking all of the negative energy and focusing it in a positive direction. All the negative thoughts, emotions, etc. Find a way to channel that energy into something positive. This strategy has helped me THE MOST in dealing with my depression.
I remember one particular day that vividly stands out to this day. I was out shopping with one of my friends, and we decided to buy some wine to have later when we cuddled up and watched a movie together. We stood in the alcohol isle for about 20 minutes trying to decide which bottle to take. Also, neither of us knew a thing about wine, so it was quite the challenge. After deciding on getting a red wine, because red wine made us feel like those sophisticated women in the movies with the perfectly shined wine glass. Ya'll know what I'm talking about ;)
Anyway, I chose a bottle of wine with the name Excelsior, I didn't think much of it at the time, heck, I didn't even know what Excelsior meant! So the purchase was made.
After cooking dinner, we decided to have that glass of wine and watch a movie. And guess what movie I "coincidentally" chose? Yup. The Silver Linings Playbook. A movie BASED on the concept of excelsior.
Now, something you should know about me is that I am a strong believer in signs from the universe, and this for me, was one of those moments. And so, I began living my life with Excelsior as my motto.
"You have to do everything that you can, you have to work your hardest. And if you do, if you stay positive, you have a shot at a silver lining."
Having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tired at the same time.
It's the fear of failure but, no urge to be productive.
It's wanting friends, but hating socializing.
It's wanting to be alone, but not wanting to be lonely.
It's about caring about everything then caring about nothing.
It's about feeling everything at once, then feeling paralyzingly numb.
And no matter how irrational you may sound, it's extremely real to you.
But remember that when you go through things that you never thought you'd have to go through, it will take you places that you never thought you'd get to.
At some point you have to stop being so angry. You have to stop being so sad. You have to start being gentle with yourself. At some point you have to just let it all go and be happy. You have to spread love instead of being afraid of it. You have to love yourself and everyone around you before its too late. Don't waste away being unhappy over trivial things. Don't do it. Don't do it to yourself and don't let other people do it to you. And never give up, because beautiful things can be born from misery.
Stop walking through the world looking for confirmation that you don't belong. You will always find it because you've made that your mission. Stop scouring people's faces for evidence that you're not enough. You will always find it because you've made that your goal. True belonging and self-worth are not goods; we don't negotiate their value with the world. The truth about who we are lives in our hearts. Our call to courage is to protect our wild hearts against constant valuation, especially our own. No one belongs more than you do. And if outside validation is your only source of nourishment, you will hunger for the rest of your life. You can't keep dancing with the devil and ask why you're still in hell.
In any given moment we have two options: to step forward into growth, or to step back into safety.
"The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are."
-J.P Morgan.