The holiday season is officially upon me. And I'm full of a myriad of complex emotions. I'm sentimental, I'm wistful. I'm regretful, I'm nostalgic. I'm elated, I'm sad. I'm filled with anticipation and disappointment. And so many other unnameable feelings.
I grew up with a mother who fell into a deep depression nearly every holiday season. And to further complicate matters, I was born just before Christmas, brought home on the 24th of December. So from the very beginning my life was confusing. If I was excited about the holidays, I was being selfish. If I was upset about unwrapping Christmas paper from my birthday/Christmas presents under the tree, I was an ungrateful brat. Either way, I was a drama queen. Either way, I was left feeling hollow and small.
And so I became apathetic. I detached. I learned to metaphorically scrunch my eyes shut, hold my breath, and will the season to fly by quickly and as painlessly as possible.
I'm sitting in my living room. Alone. Thanksgiving has come and gone. I spent it alone. My family scattered about. My husband on an annual trip which always begins the day before. And I want to be okay with it. I really do. I want to say I don't care, holidays mean nothing to me, all the celebrations I've missed haven't taken a toll on my soul.
I want to. But I can't.
With each passing year, I grow more regretful. With each tree-less Christmas, I feel lonelier and less connected. And I wonder how I can reconcile my complicated history with holidays with my need to find renewed meaning and joy with the world at this time of year.
But here's the thing: There are no holiday coaches. No self-help gurus or motivational books on the subject. I googled it; my iPad just laughed at me.
I realize that this holiday thing...it's just a metaphor. A microcosm. My relationship with arbitrary days set aside for maximum joy and merriment is just a reflection of my relationship with regular days. And weeks and months and years.
I am a survivor. I was groomed and conditioned to survive. To get through. To withstand. I had to. It served me. And honestly, it often still does. But it also holds such profound emptiness.
I honestly don't know how to engineer enjoyment. And so when I do have a good day, it's actually in spite of everything I do, not because of it.
I cannot get back all of the holidays - all of the days! - that I missed by slipping out of myself and into my survival armor. Lamenting them is useless. They're gone. But I can make different choices. Moving forward. Or, more specifically, not moving...just being and savoring and enjoying what I have. In the moment.
Tomorrow I'm going to do just one thing to celebrate the season. Just one. And I will do just one thing the next day. And the day after that. My hope is that I will engineer happiness this year. Step by step, one small move at a time. My hope is that this Christmas, I will achieve enjoyment.
Well written. I'm not much of a holiday person myself, but then, I've never wanted to be.
It's tough to "engineer" an emotion, especially if it doesn't come naturally or if it's been conditioned out of you.
Kudos for recognizing that -- and for recognizing that you have strength enough to change things.
Thank you for taking the time to read and respond! I agree that I can't directly engineer emotions. But I can engineers actions. And emotions are surprisingly tied to those.
We will see if I can pull it off. 🙏🏻
Just by having the intention, you're more than halfway there, imo. The intention is everything. And I think a person can totally engineer emotions! Or at least nudge emotions in certain directions of your choosing. :)
We're singing the same tune...in glorious harmony 😊
Haha yay!