Death and thoughts of leaving.
7 years ago in #life by paintingangels (66)
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You're a gem on this earth, please stay and lighting our world's
My dearest Serena – I fear you greatly underestimate the significance of your presence here; we'd notice far faster than you imagine we might. Of that, I'm quite sure.
I, for one, very much appreciate 'the weirdness that is Serena.' You're one of my favorite people on this platform...hands down.
I adore your tender heart and its poetic leanings – there's a delicate magnificence in its language; an eloquence that speaks directly to the most vulnerable parts of me.
In fact, the effect of your soulful songs is not so unlike the way Elliott Smith's songwriting has always moved me. 'Between The Bars' will always be one of my absolute favorites. Your rendition is gorgeous, of course. The two of you are kindred spirits – that part of you that wants to disappear; he shared that desire.
I saw him perform live, twice – once at Amoeba Records on Haight Street and then again at this tiny little dive bar in SF. He was so close I could've reached out and touched his face. Between songs he'd take a puff off his cigarette, then tuck it between strings on the head...smoke billowing in patterns as he played.
It was so obvious that he didn't like the attention – he was incredibly transparent, and appeared so uncomfortable with all of our eyes on him. Yet he made himself do it, anyway. And he was so humble and gracious when I approached him with a poster I'd torn from the wall. I still have that, somewhere; wrinkled tape still stuck to the bottom edge – his signature scrawled across his moody likeness.
I was in Taiwan when he killed himself. I sobbed for hours when I heard the news, then again, each time I heard his songs....I'd cry a little – for years after that. Yes...I was that much of a fan. He was such a brilliant, tortured creature. His influence on me can primarily be heard in the way I finger-pick – with just my thumb and forefinger – just as he did.
I hope you don't disappear for a very long time to come. But...for what it's worth, I'd mourn the loss of you just as surely as I've mourned the loss of Elliott. Please don't go yet.....k?
Warm Hugs and Cookies,
xo • zippy
Chill everybody... they were just ugly thoughts. Serena, you're going to be fine... Working those shitty micro-web-jobs will bring anyone down. So just take a break, have a smoke... you know, the regular... <3
#andthengetbacktoconqueringrealitylikeweplanned
ok thank you for the confirmation bc i didnt feel the alarm everyone did after reading the post myself.
Ohh noo everyone I didn't mean this in anyway like I'm about to go jump off a cliff or delete my account here or anything. I mean maybe someday. Not today! Just blahhh,, mehh that kind of thing. I love you all I am so embarrassed to cause such a fuss.
Sometimes you just gotta get those blaa thoughts out of your head and onto the digital paper. I think it helps you with processing them when you write them down and look at them. It's easier to sort them out and make some sense of the jumble of thoughts that were in your mind.
No need to feel embarrassed.
You shouldn't. Feel embarrassed I mean ;-)
I'm glad. We all love you back <3
thank you for the confirmation, after reading the post my intuition told me you were having a creative introspective moment. cool beanzzzz
i love “back to porn” 😂🤣😂🤣😂
And that's the sweetness of Serena. And the beauty of Serena. And the presence of Serena... If you were to disappear, I would notice, as would every other helpienaut and other persons who enjoy your presence so much. Not only for your beautiful voice and music, but like Meno said in the meeting we just had: "helpie just wouldn't be the same without her".
It is funny, like you say, how big a presence you are, how visible you are to all of us, and yet you prefer not to be seen by so many... Well, I'm afraid that's a burden you'll just have to carry: too late to change that now. Your absence from our lives would be noticed in no time, sorry.
End preaching here. Just want to let you know I feel fortunate to be touched by your exitence. Hang in there.
Much love and hugs and cookies <3
Just wanted to let you know I am right here if you need me. And if you need your temporary space it is ok too, just do not rush decisions when everything is dim and blurry by our own dismal thoughts. It is natural to feel down simetimes,I do not want you to go, I would not force you to stay. Just know I am here.
I think of death too, but in similar situation mypanic is the contrary, I fear death, having been or thought to be close to it at some points in my life made me aware how time flies, and that I might cease to exist, think or dream.
Take a day off, go and walk barefoot on grass. Breathe. You know best than anyone. Your calls.
Balance is a complex thing and most of us struggle to keep it.
Hugs
Just because your heart hears a voice, does not mean you have to listen to it.
What do you mean?
I mean that internal stream of consciousness those thoughts we hear or more accurately for some feel in our hearts. I listened to you song Moon in My Shoe after reading your post. You are hearing many voices, not all of them have your well being. There is a scripture and it goes something like this there are many voices in the world and none without significance. So the real question for you is what voices are you listening to is it from heaven of is it from well the other place. I checked out your post and it said you are from Tennessee, I am not sure but the accent sounds mountain at least your song was very much in that theme. My grandmother was from the hills of Kentucky and she would say some folks have a "way" of seeing and a "way" hearing that is just different from others, it gives them a"way" of knowing. Are you like that?
i want to say that thinking death thoughts is normal, but i wonder if its more a symptom of malaise from dealing with life. we all wonder if our lives will be missed after we are gone. it's a human thing to want to be noticed and loved, is it not?
thinking death thoughts is different than wanting to die. i think this is the distinction i make in my mind, because for as depressed as i get, i've never quite gotten to the point of hating life so much that it's unbearable.
i think that why this speaks to me today is because i'm depressed and I don't want to be. In my head I know that my life doesn't warrant this depression. So I fight it and try to understand it because i'm one of those people that is better knowing why.
I can understand also not wanting to be watched but wanting to be admired. I spent the better part of my life being judged by others on my looks (fat, messy hair, pimples, old), that i never believe people who tell me that im attractive. but despite this i still want to be loved. i just havent decided if thats a weakness or a strength.
i still get down this time of year remembering when my pupper got sick and died. each year i think, oh, its been xx years i should be over this. im not sure it ever truly leaves our psyche. the thing to do is remember and let the sadness go. easier said than done.
i do listen to you and notice you. you are the cookie giver, and even tho i dont always comment, it doesnt mean that im not noticing you and loving how your presence lightens the room.
sending you love and hugs and cookies!!!
Im not gonna listen to you or Elliott cause i dont feel like crying right now. Cant handle music ftom "that time in my life".
Is it the moon again? I don't know but I feel the creep today. Im certainl itll pass soon for me, I hope it will for you soon too.
And we would know. Your hubby would tell helpie, and we would all be devastated. If he couldn't make it online to tell us, if you disappeared, one of us would find your home and figure out where you went. We love you Serena.
Big hugs. ♡
I don't know you but I stumbled upon your post and I hope you will be alright. It's good to write and get feelings down. It makes me feel better when I do even though my posts aren't half as decent as yours. I never heard of that guy Elliot before . Thanks for sharing and your cover is excellent by the way. I will share one of my favourites with you. By villagers. Have a listen and hope you enjoy. Id like to hear you cover it. Tried myself but the licks are too bloody hard!
Unless I go ahead of you, I guarantee it.
There's a certain way that saying what I'm about to puts pressure on you, and I worry about that, but I'm going to do it anyway: losing you would be incredibly devastating to everyone here. I know that part of what's going on in your brain is resistant to the idea of anyone relying on you, and that it can be really hard to hear that, and I'm sorry. But you're absolutely core to the community here and you should know that.
I can sort of imagine what things would be like without you, because a real-life friend who was a similar pillar of every community he came in contact with was killed 18 months ago, and literally everything anyone does is still colored by the loss of Jason. What I do here, with people who never had any idea he existed, is colored by the loss of Jason.
I know I'd be saying that about Serena if I had to. But it's much better having you here.
im joining this little love party here because you have absolutely no clue how important you are to me. This whole thing, helpie and cookies would not be the same if you were not here with us.
I love you my friend
I had no idea you have a radio show, hit me up on your next one, I want to be there!
I know your feelings right now in the sense where I am feeling you, your energy.
I cannot tell you to not delete your account on here as that would make me selfish to keep you here with us which would mean that I would be stealing your time. Time is precious. I am big on that. It is the one thing that we can never get back and yet it is the one thing that we cannot buy and one that we spend on others and for other things so generously.
I say do what you need to do for yourself but I do ask to be able to stay in touch with you if you ever go. I may not be there often/enough. But I am in spirit. As my time is often taken from me by my family and needs that make things quite difficult.
You are loved my friend. Know that it is genuine, just like you <3
Ditto
I felt the weight of every word you've written, I know these feelings, and I remember how difficult it was for me accept existence as it is, and it went on for years too... and though i'm out of that state now, I sometimes fear that this unrest and the gloom will come back to me... its all in our mind - the most powerful and most vulnerable thing there is.
But then, that cat came and Kanyed your spotlight! she's like "hooman, yo hooman... guess what, i'm hungry... yo human, you seem in deep existential crisis, but guess what, you hoomans put a the yummiest things in cans that meow can't open... talking about the real struggle here!" That kitty was a sage, like so many 'little-bellied' creatures are... made me smile throughout the rest of the song.
You're such a soulful being Serena, I wish i had half of your courage to share the dark side of my existence. But all i can do for now is be grateful that you show the way.
"These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." - Jesus the Christ
Its cool you posted as you knew you were struggling with your thoughts so you are aware of your own state of mind. This is extremely positive.
That desire for invisibility and shutting yourself off is common amongst people who suffer with debilitating depressions, that thick grey fog that surrounds you does clear sometimes. You are definitely not alone in feeling that way.
I hope you are getting some help and support in your life away from Steemit and if not, try to, or if its too difficult to ask, then keep posting here. Dump your thoughts and your mind into your blog posts, share it with everyone and read everything you can find written by others who suffer. Helping others understand their dark thoughts often helps you as much as them, this what Ive found anyway but I also understand everyone is unique.
I look forward to reading more from you and please help me by encouraging @meno to stop posting about Steem ;-)
Looks like I owe you now!
Take care of you, stay safe and never apologise for being yourself and the way you feel :-)
I was at a point after my dog died that I didn't think I could take any more loss in my life. Back then quite a few people were still losing their homes from the housing market crash and the news kept running stories on packs of dogs running around Detroit left homeless because people couldn't take them with them. Then one day they ran a story about a dog they had received reports from but couldn't find who had been hit by a car and he was wondering around with a broken leg. It took them several days to find him but by that time they had to amputate his leg. The press coverage on him brought forth a new owner. That day I said to myself I can do this, if I can find a dog who had been fighting the odds and survived then surely I can overcome my fear of loss. That day I took to the internet. Over the next few months I must have went through hundreds of pictures of dogs. One day I came across a picture of a three legged dog. I decided to call about him. Seems the weekend before he and another dog the family was fostering died in a house fire. I kept looking, then I decided to go look at the area shelters. Sometimes I even drove to other towns to look. Then one day while at a animal shelter I came across a lab who had a bent leg and he also had heart worm. They said his deformity was caused from a birth defect. He had what they called Myopathy, and because they had not treated the heart worm they did not know yet if it was to far gone. He'd been there for three weeks forwarded by another shelter that couldn't find a home for him. I knew he was the one I was meant to help. I couldn't take him for a couple weeks because they had to treat the heart worm, something they were only going to do if they could find a home for him because they had to send him to a out of town vet willing to treat him for free. He was lucky and the treatment was successful. I've had him for almost four years now, he's just as healthy as any dog I've had, even stronger. There's not much he isn't capable of doing. I just have to watch that he doesn't spend a lot of time in extreme cold weather. I did a blog on him here: https://steemit.com/animalphotography/@sunlit7/learning-about-yellow-labs-and-muscular-dystrophy-myopathy
He's spoiled rotten I tell yeah but he gives me poise in hope, not only for him but myself, he gives me the strength to push forward because he depends on me to be there for him, so far he's showing no indications that he may only have half the life span of most dogs, you'd thought knowing that it would have scared me away but it only made me stronger in my desire to help him.
I would not know you were dead but definitely notice you were missing and not posting. No you cannot delete a steemit account nor any content older than 7 days.
As someone with mental challenges ( bipolar OCD and PTSD) I can relate to the whole death thing is this there are two options either there is a hereafter or there isn't.
If there is not -life has little meaning but what we made of it and our legacy is all that we leve behind. If we kill ourselves part of our legacy is leving a sitload of pin and suffering for those who love us behind that we never can make up to them ; basically we plant a soul shadow that taintes the rest of their life to some extent and that will be the one thing that will overshadow any good we did for those that matter the most to us. Strangers might romantiese it but in truth there is nothing romantic in killing oneself 99% of the time. It is sad only and desperte act born out of hopelessness. I made several attempts when I was younger and was very lucky to still be here but I know well what drove me to it and how desolate it was ....
So what if there is a hereafter ... wel the above applies except that there is meaning and that we most likely signed up to do this as some sort of learning experience. Or if we are dealing with the christian god as reality were put here for a purpose. so if we eject we failed the grade and that purpose. Depending what version of God/Gods/ Goddess/Goddesses is out there we either
1- End up in hell for that to be tortured for eternity. Ah makes life seem the pleasanter choice me thinks.
2- Failed the grade and are sent back to do it again. So we hurt everyone for nothing and are right back in the mess
3- are doomed to haunt the earth as ghost until kingdom come. So we basically traded misery we can work on and maybe transform for misery where we are totally powerless ...
None of these options seem in any way better than what I have now (when I am in a saner state of mind) .The thought of killing oneself is usually however a knee jerk reaction. We are the animal caught in a bear trap chewing off our leg to stop the pain ... just that in our case it is the soul trapped in a the trap experiencing the unbearable pain and life the leg we chew off ...
just some food for thought love <3
As for your kitteh I totally get it I miss my dead furchildren it is pretty wretched :( but sadly the price we pay for adopting those of a short lived species ...
As for porn it does little for me but I have nothing against it in fact I believe that it saves lives and like prostitution keeps some people from assaulting women out of sexual frustration.
As fr your need to disappear if the world has drained you don't check out for good you would be missed but take some you time ....put the cosmic "Do not disturb " sign on the door and take time to balance out ....
I've just reappeared after 3 months! And although I'm on a completely different pluck, I think I get your drift. Glad you're still here, love and peace.
yay porn! okay ive been and out if that phaas and not back in for awhile. no judgments from
me. great introspective writeup and alarm for many but after reading i feel you were musing as many of us do. there was a period of 5 years where i couldnt stop thinking, feeling, dreaming about death and i know all whove youve mentioned and more. especially plath and hemingway are my faves. i love your honesty, passion and self expression. we are never alone, there are those all around who are seen and unseen that support us on the daily. may you find peace and inner joy as you walk your path and explore who you are. just so you know, many people on steemit would miss you as im sure youre now aware. after this was shilled many raced here to show their love.
a’oo
eagle spirit
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