I’ve always been a bit of a strange person. Even back in the late 90’s I have documented evidence of a Psychiatric Consultant writing a letter to my local Doctor describing me as a “strange young boy”. I guess back then, with all the issues that I had, and the lack of awareness in certain groups, it would seem quite a reasonable response that my consultant was scratching his head. You see, to walk past me in the street you wouldn’t know I was Asperger’s. I don’t look different and I certainly don’t act different. I’m just a regular guy blending in with the natural order of the crowd.
It wasn’t until we had our Son, and educated ourselves on the typical signs of Autism and Asperger’s that I realised a lot of what Alex displays in childhood is exactly the same as me when I was a kid. It led me onto thinking about some of my strange behaviour and how I desperately hid it from the world. As a young boy in the 80’s I had to hide anything that strayed from social norm else I’d get laughed at, or beaten up, or both.
But ever since the realisation a great awareness shone over the abyss of the unknown, for the first time in my entire life I could put an explanation on where some of the really odd thoughts, behaviours and obsessions originated from and how they affect my life today. As a late teen I was thrown into Psychiatric hospital and walked out worse than I had come in, it wasn’t the proper place for me, but alas, care was so archaic back then. We’re talking twenty years ago. On the tail end of patients being taken for their daily walk, chained to each other, pumped full of medication and forgotten about. Alas, awareness, care and Psychiatry has so much more advanced since then.
I had been missed. I had been missed because I was high functioning, and although behaviours, body language and facial expressions I simply did not get; I learned to cope, because life was a lot rougher back then. People weren’t freely allowed to express themselves like we are now. Men finally have a platform to shout out their feelings and cry, whereas back then we had to ‘keep the stiff upper lip’, ‘man up’ or be a lesser human. I had learned to cope in the most deceptive ways too. Mirroring body language was a great one, and learning to please people all the time. People were more receptive when you please them.
I spent most of my life mirroring body language, pleasing everyone and not having the word ‘no’ in my vocabulary. It was the way I was. And that’s just the beginning of my story. There were emotions that I understood as a kid, but for me they were quite intense. Mirroring sadness, negativity, anger or anything of the negative traits hurts me a lot more than most. I feel emotions from people more than others. I can walk into a room of angry people that you can literally cut the atmosphere with a knife, and I’d want to go right back out as soon as I walked in. What is normally not that bad for others, is like a chainsaw slicing my arms off. I wasn’t very aware of this either, and it always led to me being quite the recluse; opting for sitting in, rather than going to heavy parties. A blissfully happy atmosphere was my optimal growth environment, and I’d do anything, literally anything to maintain that.
I started toying with the idea that something might be slightly off centre when I started to get myself some help. I had read a book in 2006 called “no more Mr nice guy” by Dr Robert Glover, that had literally changed my entire perspective on life. I had been trying to make people happy for most of my life. Things weren’t going my way and this book explained why. It was about then that I started to get some professional help, involve myself in a few Mental Health charities to further my help. I had been told by my Auntie she thought I was Asperger’s, as was my Dad, but we both thought she was mad. I had a lot of problems, they needed fixing first.
I learned a lot of things during the days of which I call ‘The Great Awakening’ including how to stick up for myself, date women, and earn a degree. Yet that was only the beginning. My Son was born a couple of years later and what a lovely, beautiful boy he was. Alex has taught me a lot of things, including abundant compassion and patience. Probably his biggest gift to me was the realisation that I had Asperger’s. Since then, everything has fallen neatly into place. I realise why I do the things that I do and that it’s perfectly acceptable to do them. It’s given me the gift of ‘being myself’. For years I thought I was an oddity, but it turns out I’m perfectly acceptable in normal parameters.
The best part for me has to be learning about humans and why we do the things that we do. In my eternal struggle to figure out who I am, never quite putting a finger on it, I’ve always went out of my way to learn something new, and it’s been an enlightening journey. I’ve educated myself, explored the world and lived life. I’ve also managed to develop a unique way of steering situations into the way I want should I need to, because those years of people pleasing and mirroring others body language weren’t for nothing. I truly understand how people work and the things I need to do to manipulate a task or situation to my needs, all good things though! Nothing ever bad.
But I can say it doesn’t stop there. Life is truly an eternal learning journey, and never a day goes by when I don’t learn something new about myself, someone else, or the world at large.
Keep your eyes and mind open, because you never know when your life is going to change for the better.
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Check out some of my previous posts!!
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This story is amazing. It's so real.
I don't know if at the point of writing this, if it felt easy, or if it was a type of release now that it's 'out there's.
I can tell you that it's so powerful.
That power you gave to others just to feel part or present in the company of others, just to feel included it, if hit home for me somehow.
Change is really hard when you're in a generation of change. The generation before you , being old school and the one before being so much more accepting.
Constantly being somewhere in between. That must not have been easy.
Somehow you make me feel a sense of renewed faith.
Thank you
Good! Please hold onto that renewed energy. Lovely :)
It's not hard for me to write any of this anymore - I've moved past any troubles that I've previously had
To grow beyond it. That's amazing. May you always be such a light to those you come into contact with.
I try - thank you :)
It's terrible that people judge just because you are different from them. It like taking a bright kid and telling him that his uniqueness is a sin and a sickness. People are so use to categorizing and classifying someone as this or that, they forget what it's like to live happily. I'm glad that you're strong and you stay true to yourself. And that young boy you have will definitely grow wonderfully. COURAGE and STRONG
Cheers =)
They are :/ - but I rose above it eventually - thank you :)
@raymondspeaks, thank you for sharing your story here! In fact, I just wrote a post about my encounter with a child that was diagnosed with Asperger's. Although I may be out of the place to say this, I truly feel connected to what you've shared here. It is just so amazing how life takes us on these curves day by day, especially those unexpected ones. Steering life is so much more meaningful when we know things are just going to be better. Thank you! Hugs :)
Glad you liked it! Definitely not out of place. Your experiences are your experiences!
Read your post and want to ask what is your profession. and how old you are. just wondering how you write on such topics and so accurately conveying every thought.
Thank you! I'm 37 and I was once a Project Manager in the Charity Sector helping people overcome certain barriers they have had in the past - mainly because I've been through the wars myself.
I was taught to write better by @shawnamawna :)
First thing, i guess, is to say your son is lucky to have parents who understand his nature. I believe it will help him harness his personality and live without being misunderstood or running into the same problems you said you did as a young person.
Im not familiar with asperger's but I was quite emphatic and withdrawn as a kid too. I came across "No More Mr. Nice Guy" at some point but by that time I was already say a lot of NOs and wouldn't oblige people any favour when not convenient so I skipped it (I might pick it up to see if it has other lessons).
I also believe knowing oneself is a key to learning about others and we live to learn.
Thank you! And yes, No more mr nice guy is a good foundation - but the forums and general help is a mess.
you're welcome. I think I will take my time to read it now, I have put it aside for long, maybe I will gain a thing or two. thanks.
Amazing and nice post
Thanks for sharing