I've been many things and worn many hats in my lifetime. I was raised country and dreamed of a life with a pretty girl and the white picket fence. Worked on the farm growing up and then with the family business, mostly plumbing and mechanical contractor work with seasonal big rig driving.
At 16 I met the woman I knew I'd marry. She said yes and I do when I was 18 and then, 15 years and two children later, she said no. In those 15 years I held a dozen different jobs from cook to driver and eventually served in the Air Force, where I also earned my first couple of college degrees, but a number of years later my body broke down and I was a jobless disabled vet, with degrees and certifications that I could no longer act on, a wife on the outs after an all too familiar dear john story, a house for sale during the recession and the hopelessness one can only know from a broken heart. I experienced the dark night of the soul for over a decade. Depression, anxiety and the usual suspects to help cope, all present.
I wanted to be present and social but my story had become a sad one and too disheartening to share aloud. I would try to put on the smile and keep how I'm doing to the briefest of lies but the question in every introduction would always come up: What do you do?
I became bored with my own life, unable to feel joy or peace. Pleasant neutrality had become the best I could expect, as all the history I had known became a lifeless mirage of what once was and was now unattainable. My work ethic that was once a great strength became my adversary as my body could no longer perform the most basic tasks, the work that I could center myself with by loosing myself in it, was no longer there. The support of working with others and the social support it provides, especially within the military, was gone. The fulfillment of being productive in society or even at home was a wisp of what it once was or could ever be. This was a season where even the beautiful gift that my children are, was lost on me and without love I had little patience and would often retreat, if only mentally from my life and those closest to me. I didn't want to cause harm, I just saw myself as damning to be around and the kindest thing I could do was to prevent exposure.
I realized at some point that I was taking my hobby's seriously and considered trying to make an impact in something I could still do. I considered professional gaming but especially with medication my performance was unpredictable and on the list went with one disqualifying issue after another. I soon realized I simply wasn't going to be able to engage these things from a career stand point but I could do it from a professional approach.
Soon after this self discovery I began introducing myself as a professional hobbyist and what a difference it made. Instead of spending hours in awkward silences after dropping the bomb "I'm disabled" to the question "what do you do" (which is often used as a question seeking common ground), with "I'm a professional hobbyist" there's now an opening for common ground to be found.
Everyone has hobby's and everyone knows what a professional is, or at least think they do, but the most common response is: "That sounds great! how do I get that job?", which I rarely answer with my personal methodology of loosing everything and then out of desperation....well you get the point. I've had some of the greatest conversations from this response and the main reason, most people hate what they do for a living; however, they want to like what they do and what they identify themselves with and that which they are associated.
My professional hobby's are extensive these days from photography to digital animation, building design, electronic engineering to movie production, drone pilot, audio recording, music production, green energy design and so much more. So how do I do what I want to? Because I have to.
I had the uncomfortable decision made for me, change was inevitable, I could no longer live the way had, doing what I knew because I simply physically couldn't but in that desperation I still couldn't realize my potential, for that I needed to be reminded who I was. I was raised country but I was also raised Christian and through the years I made unwise choices that had ramifications and while I'm not advocating that my disability was a punishment, I did have the results of those decisions to live with and sometimes we need more grace for our stupid then we inherently have access to in our own strength. I don't believe that you are a Christian because you say you are, I believe that if it's not lived out in a way that those around you can experience the goodness of it, of God through you, then you're missing the best and most important parts.
I believed I would die before I reached my mid-thirties, I had no hope, with no work of my hands or the gratification that comes with it I was perpetually wanting, I was anxious, depressed and between the pain and nightmares the insomnia was almost welcome. After so much heartbreak and raw exhaustion I confronted the pain head on and through Gods grace my heart experienced love for the first time in nearly 12 years along with hope and unspeakable, unthinkable peace. These are the essentials to all fulfilling human connection and without love we are already dead.
I still struggle with my disabilities but they are no longer who I am and certainly not how I identify myself, I have good days and bad days relative to each other but no matter how bad a day is, it is never without love and never without the enabling power of grace. I share my story, not to convince you of anything but to offer hope in a very hard world where your identity matters and so do you.
You choose what you do by first choosing who you are...do you know who you are? do you like who you are? do you desire more peace, love, grace in your own life? There are answers to your questions, never give up searching.
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Thank you!
Beautiful! Thank you for sharing! I appreciate the rawness and the realness of this sharing.
It's an experience to which a lot of people can relate to to varying degrees, I'm sure. And an experience/reality that is largely unspoke of. I think your sharing this is awesome because it allows that sharing of such experiences to become less rare and a little bit more "normal".
I appreciate your vulnerability and am glad you found ways to cope and make the best of your experience as well as adapt.
And yes! Love is essential!!!! Love and connection.
Blessings and Love!
I like how you turned around the challenge of being asked "what do you do?". Taking it from a situation that made you feel disconnected and turning it into an opportunity to feel connection. That is genius! Big ups!
Thank you for such a generous and kind response! This is the first time I'm writing online and it's always a daunting task to take the fist step, thanks for making it a positive experience.
Awww! You're welcome!! Glad I could greet your courage to post and share with encouragement!!!! :) Blessings! Keep up the good work! I am going to follow along so I can tune in to your future posts! Bless