One of the most frequent struggles in my life is my relationship with my body. I can remember exactly two times in my life when I didn't feel overweight and unattractive. In reflection, there have been MANY times when I have been neither of those things. And while I'm on the bigger side of social sizing now, I'm still not bad to look at. I know this to be objectively true because I am regularly pursued and complimented by strangers.
But here I am making pros and cons lists in my head about not eating. I'm not talking about eating less or eating to macros. I'm talking about starving myself.
Why? During COVID lockdown, I became permanently disabled due to a leg injury. I was unable to seek treatment because of the pandemic, so I spent nearly two years living with an injury that greatly reduced my ability to move. When I was finally able to have surgery, the recovery was long and complex, and the procedures completed on my foot and ankle did not have the hoped for results. In short, a combination of injury, lockdown, depression and the medications I had to take for my injury piled on 100 pounds.
So I think about not eating a lot.
What's especially silly about my mind traveling this all-too-familiar path is that I have been going to the gym almost daily for two months. In that time, I've seen my strength and stamina increase, my body fat decrease, and much of the symptoms of my disability ease.
Yep, you read that right. I'm doing incredibly well. I've gained plenty of muscle back after losing it due to my injury. Muscle weighs more than fat, so it makes sense that the scale isn't budging as fast as I'd like, but I still think about starving myself.
When is good enough?
Don't worry. I'm eating healthy foods in healthy amounts. It's all rather boring, in fact. Still, I feel like not eating would somehow give me more control even though it won't.
If you're out there having the same annoying inner dialogue, hi. I get you. Let's keep up the good work.
I am so sorry, to hear about everything that you have gone through.
We can take our mobility for granted, I can't imagine how I would have managed.
It seems as though you are going through a transformation and within it a lot of insight. The way we talk to ourselves, wow it is so powerful.
By eating well you are doing a great job controlling what is going into your body and that is the best type of control xxx
Thank you for this! The words of support help so much. Since I'm a person driven to travel, the loss of mobility has been hard to accept. But I'm eating and getting exercise and slowly making progress. I feel like if this had happened to me 10 years ago, my body would have snapped back, so age is a frustrating factor as well. Anyway, this is blurt because you "heard" me and commented. I really appreciate that.
💚