This morning, I sought solace in a warm cup of dark coffee. Bitter, crisp and heavy roasted. A cogitating recipe that resurrects me every so often. Morningtide often comes accompanied by a myriad of emotions, introspections and heart-searching thoughts that keep me company. I let them creep in and watch as they sometimes turn peace into havoc. They are restless and seek explanations and clarifications and most of the time, I let them drift in or away.
Someone I knew passed away and her death took me by surprise. She died young and quite unexpectedly, leaving everybody in a state of confusion and distress. I did not know her all that well nor did I had the opportunity to do so, but the short interaction we had was auspicious. Her death felt especially tragic since she was a noticeably happy and easy going.
To me, death is still is an uneasy topic. Even hypothetical death makes me jittery. It triggers knee-jerking reactions that propel me into a loophole. As silly as it may seem, I am not yet at that point where I can simply take death as a part of life even if I acknowledge it is a universal law. The more I think about it, the more troubled I turn and the more I force myself not to dwell on it, the more I think about it. These whirlwinds of thoughts occur to me incidentally. They have sunk into my consciousness and a clear reminder that every exercise I have tried in order for me to get familiarized with the mere thought of it, have failed miserably.
In an attempt at creating a false reality, my subconscious took over last night in an attempt to comfort me. My dream played out like an eerie movie, in which she appeared in front of me. Tucked into velvet white light, she said her farewells, and just like a cool breeze that sweeps into the room, she quickly soared through the thin air.
Though one may presume and find many explanations for this type of dream, I choose to believe that it had some sort of significance that only I can truly understand at some point in life. My sheer instinctive fear of the unknown still exists, though with each dream of this nature, the fear subsides. Or hides.
In terms of death and dying, cogito ergo sum isn't always helpful.
Take care of your heart :)
Very moving. And I can feel your overwhelming sense of dissonance. Both because you express it well and because I share it fully.
❤ @outrayjust
Do you feel like reading a book about death, Ema? I recommend The denial of death.
I've actually read it. Psychoanalysis at its best.... very thought-provoking. Though at times it was too technical for my liking and the sex parts in the book left me a bit confused, I can't deny that it is a great book.
Staring at the sun by Irvin Yalom and The Thing About Life Is That One Day You’ll Be Dead by David Shields are also books that I recommend.
Staring at the sun is now on my list of books to read :) How was your weekend, Ema?
Uneventful but good in a way. I stayed in most of the time, worked on a project and ate a god awful croissant.
How about yours? :)
Haha, from what I remember, you have some pretty damn good croissants and pastries there ;)
Mine was great, I was back in my hometown, I had a few beers in the evening and a "banichka" in the morning :)
Wonderfully written piece, especially given the subject matter. Though it's not a subject I particularly fear (because life has forced it into my awareness from an early age), it's still not a pleasant topic. And my understanding and acceptance of it is often dependent upon my mood.
Though I have my doubts at times, I think the heart knows the way through the minefield.
Indeed :) She knows her way and how to heal herself even though it may seem impossible.
Thanks for your wonderful comment, Scott.
I mentioned this post in this week edition of The Library
Everytime I find myself obliged to read your posts more than once.
And enjoy it more everytime.
I remember at some points of my life I had that thought that I was "ready for death". At that point I felt immortal because death only meant a transition for me not an end.
I can't say that I still have that feeling but I hope I'll have it back one day.
Thank you, Hazem :)
Seems to me you had an expansion of consciousness and you should be grateful you were aware of it at that moment.
Sending ❤
good post, friends. Amazing Friends
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