I was inspired to write this piece by @galenkp who wrote about how to get out of a sinking car. You can find his article here.
https://steemit.com/prepping/@galenkp/got-that-sinking-feeling
Stay Alive
This is an article that will help you have your best chance of surviving in life. Life can be scary, and unpredictable things can happen, so it's important to be prepared and have the tools and knowledge available that will give you the best opportunity to make it through alive.
Source: Unsplash
Remember, there any many scenarios that could play out and you should be ready for as many of them as possible. I'm not saying that you need to start taking small doses of Iocaine powder on the off-chance that you must "go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line." However, if you have it available and your doctor gives you the thumbs up, that's another weapon in your arsenal.
The chief task in life is simply this: to identify and separate matters so that I can say clearly to myself which are externals not under my control, and which have to do with the choices I actually control. Where then do I look for good and evil? Not to uncontrollable externals, but within myself to the choices that are my own…
Epictetus, Discourses, 2.5.4-5
OUT of Your Control
Yes, there are going to be many things over which you will have no control. All you can do is try to acquire the skills to be ready to mitigate the damage and get out in one piece.
@galenkp mentioned a nuclear warhead detonating as a potential scenario. There's not much you can do for that. I hear the material "lead" is helpful in containing the blast, but that's just hearsay and I can't recommend you start eating lead in the hopes of building a nuclear shield. You could carry a cast-iron bathtub or refrigerator around with you though!
Another scenario out of your control is when you mother-in-law comes to visit. There's nothing you can do to prevent that from happening. All you can do is attempt to let the situation cause the least amount of damage possible. Remember, you can't "go away on a guy's weekend" with your buddies. That will cause more than minimum damage to you. No, in the case of your mother-in-law coming to visit, your best course of action is to shoot yourself in head with a nailgun. Make sure you're working on a project where a nailgun is actually required, and then find a nice spot of your brain that you won't really miss. Maybe the part that still remembers your hairstyle in college.
The last scenario we'll talk about that is out of your control is when the chicken revolt will occur. Trust me, friend, it's going to happen. We don't know when those little buggers are going to take over, but sooner or later, we're all going to have to answer for our crimes against chickenity. The best things you can do now are to carry pouches of chicken feed in your pockets so you can feed them whenever you see them, and to publicly denounce Chick-fil-A. Actually, their waffle fries are delicious! Never mind on the last one. You'll probably be eaten by the chicken overlords anyways.
IN Your Control
Okay, now we get to it! These are things you can actively control, and controlling them correctly will increase your chance of survival. Here are three tips that are most-likely to help you survive:
Marry an MMA fighter
I cannot stress this enough. There will likely be physical confrontation in the disastrous future on which this whole article is predicated. The quickest, easiest way to be prepared is to marry someone who is already prepared. Whether it's a roundhouse kick to the face or a volley of blows from two ridiculously-quick fists, you need someone who can emphatically shut down physical threats. By winning so dramatically, the chances of other people attacking your drop significantly. Although, do be aware of bullets, so make sure you still have some bulletproof vests.Don't cover yourself in steaks and try to outrun a pack of lions.
It's a tempting, but ultimately unfruitful endeavor. You're better off eating the steaks and watching the lions from a respectful distance after walking through piranha-infested waters after shaving your legs. Don't ask me how I know... or ask me to get anything from the top shelf.
Most Important Tip!!!
- Stay Out of A Horror/Thriller Movie
Do NOT under any circumstances, get yourself into a horror/thriller movie. It's the absolute worst decision you could make in your soon-to-be-short life. Whatever other decisions you've made or are considering making, just don't do this one thing. Yes, you might make less money over the course of your life, but what good is money if you don't have a head attached? Or how would you use that cash if "your arms are off?" I understand that for most of you this is going to be a surprise and shock, but it's the safest course of action, and the thing that is most likely to keep you from dying prematurely. There you have it: if Stephen King comes calling, don't answer... or maybe give him your mother-in-law's number.
- What's Your #1 Tip for Survival?
Disclaimer: Not life advice. Do your own research. This article is for entertainment purposes and is not an encouragement to follow or not follow any advice listed above. It is recommended that you consult professionals before attempting anything dangerous. This article is satire, so it's not professional advice. Use Wisdom if you have it, common sense if you don't. You're responsible for your own decisions.
I'm not sure why they would have changed desk materials. You're probably right though, budget cuts. If you can get poor quality desks for much cheaper than better ones, you can have more money in the budget for other things. Who knows though?
I'm getting a big box for Horse. He's going to be great!
Thank you, I will be able to sleep tonight knowing he will be safe.
Hahahaha, this is so funny. I started reading with a mindset of seriousness... I even got my pen & notepad out! How I wish I read this article when I was 6 and before I entered my grandma's large chicken coop and experienced a chicken revolt when I decided to grab one of the baby chicks. Your article is a must read for preppers!
It really did start out serious, didn't it?! Really all I wanted to say was the last tip, but decided to build an article around it. There's been too much seriousness and I wanted to lighten the mood.
I thought of the chickens because I can see them outside. I wonder sometimes if they're going to try something. So far they're content to eat what I bring them and they haven't tried to eat me. That being said, I always am a little uneasy when I have to squat down and my back it toward them. They could be sneaking up. :)
I'm glad you found it entertaining. Sorry it wasn't the serious set of tips you were hoping for. I think @galenkp is going to continue his series, so you should check him out. He's an awesome guy anyways, but he also writes very informative articles.
Thanks for stopping in!
You are always such a breath of fresh air! I just read @galenkp's post and expected the same serious tone here...what was I thinking??!! Although it started off here pretty serious, but soon I was smiling and then this...
had me laughing out loud!
Thank you for always keeping me smiling in a world where most everything is way too serious a lot of the time!
Cheers! So so so glad to have you back. (That's a lot of appreciation and not a recent stutter I've developed by the way :)
I was going to do a quick comment on his post, but I felt like there was too much potential to just waste it on a quick response. I know that my character isn't consistent all the time, but it allows me the flexibility to do fun stuff.
Glad to be back. I feel appreciated. Thanks for letting me know! :)
You are most welcome! It's nice to be missed, isn't it? :)
Yeah, it is. It's nice to know that people care about your well-being and that you're missed when you're not around. That's one of the nice things about friends. :)
It certainly is! I don't like to make people worry, but I appreciate when they do if I'm not around for a few days.
I start wondering what's happening if I don't see your name popping up after a while. I hope that means you and Brian are out on fun adventures, like finding cool, hidden beaches or an amazing restaurant. :)
Thank you, that's very nice to hear. If I ever really disappear for a few days, you know you can always reach me on Discord too. Please do.
I’m refining my feed to see more comments from users like you.
Oh that is awesome!! Genuine commenting is really what it's all about I think. It's the best way to really get to know someone!
Positive Mental Attitude and a good sense of humour.
Those two things can help immensely! Thanks for stopping by! :)
chic-fil-a waffle fries are AH-MAZING!!!
They're pretty great! I don't eat them often, but when I do, I enjoy them with dipping sauce. Ha ha. Thanks for stopping by.
gotta have the sauce. i like to ask them to make mine well done!
I didn't realize that was an option. You must like the crunch. :)
addicted to crunchy! its an option. you can ask them to pretty much do anything with the food, combo or preference wise. like add cheese to the spicy chicken? thats one thing ive got to hand to them - even in the heart of NYC they took special requests with a smile.
Good to know. There isn't one very close to me, but the next time I trek out there, I'm going to have to do my research first. Thanks for the hint.
no problem! i was previously paid to be a foodie so I know a few tips and tricks, lol.
Oh, you are so young!
Thank you? :)