Disclaimer: In case the title didn't tip you off, this post contains sexual content. Reader discretion is advised.
"Then he started spreading chocolate frosting on the woman's ass," my boss said.
Where were the keepers of the office quote board when you needed them?! It seemed like they were always in earshot to write down your most embarrassing words (I had one on the whiteboard that said "I'll do anything for a chocolate chip cookie"), but right now they were missing some pure gold.
My manager was in the middle of describing one of the shorts from the film festival he had attended the previous night. This one had something to do with turning a woman's naked body into a cake.
It turns out HUMP! Film Festival has a rather singular theme: porn.
I hadn't even heard of it before, even though it was in its 11th year and played for several weeks at the Seattle International Film Festival (SIFF) Cinema each October.
The hilariously inappropriate conversation left me intrigued, but my curiosity didn't teeter over the edge until a friend happened to bring up the festival again later that night, while we were at an Electroswing Burlesque Dance Party.
(Man, my Friday nights were way more exciting back then.)
We had just watched Catherine the Great strip off her clothes and go wild on the horn of a man in a rubber unicorn mask - how much weirder could a porn film festival be?
She and I bought our tickets for one of the few remaining available shows on Sunday night.
The audience milling around the SIFF foyer was a normal-looking mix of ages and genders. "I'm about to watch porn with these people," I reminded myself.
Once upon a time, before the internet, was this really how folks did this?
The familiar scent of movie popcorn filled the air, but the pre-show ads cycling between a sex positivity group and an in-home penis molding kit reminded me that this was not a normal movie theater experience. The MC laid down some ground rules - absolutely no cell phone use and no disparaging remarks - before tossing tiny vibrators into the crowd and starting up the film reel.
Here's my ballot with the full line-up:
Some shorts were super artsy, some went for humor, and others were just straight up amateur porn.
There was a film noir in which all the actors were real penises, dressed in wigs and googly eyes. Another was a mockumentary about a man who collects semen from celebrities.
Near the end, a political video-game-themed piece followed the protagonists through battles with bible thumpers and body shamers before literally fucking the patriarchy in an orgy. It was so Seattle.
To prove that the short films were made for the festival, the filmmakers had to include some extra credit items. So every so often a hula hoop or a copy of Mike Huckabee's book "God, Guns, Grits, and Gravy" made a strange appearance.
Unlike much of the porn I'd seen online (and I admit, I'm not an expert on the subject), everyone on screen was having so much fun, their bodies shaking with laughter and their smiles unabashed.
The audience was having fun, too, laughing and cheering (with their hands out in the open).
The films made a point of creating an emotional connection with the audience and representing a variety of body types and sexual orientations. None of them felt tired or depressing.
It made me see porn in a new light, as a celebration instead of a shameful secret or an obstruction to real physical intimacy.
The only time it got super awkward was in the moments of silence after an unsettling BDSM short involving animal masks. Everyone tried to figure out how to react before a smattering of applause.
On the way out, I shoved my ballot down a cardboard cutout of a butthole, then we walked across the street to grab some Dick's.
Suddenly, everything from the name of this classic Seattle diner to the act of licking my ice cream cone seemed titillating.
I never imagined that I would watch two hours of porn in public, but it's now something I recommend that others try!
The festival sparked several interesting conversations about the porn industry and sexuality with the friend I went with, my boyfriend, and pretty much everyone I mentioned it to.
If you're interested, HUMP! Film Festival is based out of Seattle and tours around the US and Canada each year. Several major European cities also host porn film festivals, such as the one in Berlin.
Have you been to a porn film festival? If not, would you like to attend? Let me know in the comments! (P.S. I upvote my favorites.)
Thanks for reading, and my apologies if this one was a bit risque - curiosity can lead you to some interesting places! All words and photos are mine unless otherwise noted.
- Katie, @therovingreader
More “That Time I…”
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- That Time I Spent a Week Swimming With Wild Dolphins
- That Time I Rang the Opening Bell at Nasdaq While Wearing My Brother's Underwear
- That Time I Kayaked With Hundreds of Alligators
- Plus more to come each Wednesday!
You are quite the adventurous one! You definitely know how to seize life by the horns.
I have never attended such an event, but did have a BF when I was young that worked the graveyard shift in an adult "bookstore" . No books as far as I could see were sold there, but maybe a magazine or fifty hundred(like literal stacks and stacks).
I could tell you story after story from his 6 month stint but I will spare you. Let's just say your evening sounded a little classier than a lot of what went on there. I'm afraid that the short time I spent in that place may have rid me of any notion to seek out porn related gatherings.
Oh my goodness, I can only imagine (and I really don't want to imagine). I've heard this film festival described as "porn for people who hate porn" and it seems an apt description, since it was such a light and un-shady event.
Not my experience, but my boyfriends...
He went to Amsterdam with his girlfriend, and they went to an adult cinema to watch porn together.
He ended up screwing her in there,...while 3 or 4 guys jerked off around them ,watching the show - and then they left ! lol
Haha, now that's a crazy experience! This was definitely a lighter event, I would be a lot more nervous going into a genuine adult cinema (and I probably couldn't talk my boyfriend anywhere near one lol).
I'm off to bed now, it's late here - but believe me that is wild, but nothing compared to what he has been upto in his life .....seriously. lol
Ill tell you more, another time.
good nite x (followed)
I would be at HUMP! in a heartbeat. I am personally fascinated with sexuality and am planning on creating educational content on this platform so accurate information is recorded on the blockchain. Society is unfortunately very uncomfortable with the most basic part of life, and we keep reinforcing it by shoving it behind closed doors and shaming those who seek to understand and enjoy. I am excited to use this project to push my own understanding and preconceptions. It sounds like you are actively doing the same by checking the festival out! I will keep an eye out for it touring near me! Thanks!
That sounds really cool! I agree, America could use more openness, understanding, and positivity to cultivate a healthier sexual culture.
Talk about an adventure! Who knew there was a festival celebrating porn? I can't say I'm too surprised. I'm glad it wasn't the trashy variety. The comedic ones must've been fun to see!
I was very relieved that it was more funny and upbeat than trashy!
The same film festival plays in Portland as well I believe, or at least something similar, and I have always wanted to go. It sounds like a ton of fun. By the way, you should check out my friend @lilycampbell's blog, she (among many other things) films and produces woman-positive, ethical porn. She is awesome.
Cheers - Carl
It's the same one! You should check it out. And thanks for the recommendation, that is so cool! (Plus, VR porn?! Woaaaaaaah)
Highly readable (the way you use font helps a lot!), well-formatted, and entertaining.
I've never watched porn at a theater before but you sure make it sound enticing!
I've been working on making my writing more readable/scannable, so thanks so much for pointing that out!
I went to HUMP the same year, in PDX on Friday night :D
It was my first time too...