My Experience With Suicide
I have been clinically depressed twice in my life so far, and I'm sure I have much more to follow. Both times have been so sever that I have contemplated suicide. Before someone judges, people need to look inside the person who is going through such a curse. If you have never experienced mind deteriorating depression, then listen to my experience and some advice I have for when someone you know may have to go through this.
I have been diagnosed with Bipolar Type 1. Many people have misunderstanding toward Bipolar. They mistake it for a simple personality disorder where somebody simply is irrational emotionally. However, people should truly be educated on the true aspects of the disease. In this post I'm only covering the Depression side of Bipolar, through my experience.
How are you doing?
A common question that seems to be brushed to the side immediately after asking. I'll be describing the feelings of my past depression and how it affected me.
I felt empty, alone, and broken. I was in a university where I had a single dorm room. It was the dorm with the highest suicide rate on campus, hilarious. I had recovered from an extremely traumatic experience which happened in the winter of 2015. Spring rolled around and I was studying computer science. Surrounded by hundreds, yet completed alone. I would break down on my floor crying, having fear of the thoughts I would have. They wouldn't leave. I was consistently eating unhealthy food. I gained over 25 lbs of fat that semester. My medication caused me to have severe carvings for fat based food. Where does a low self-esteem go when hit hard again? Just lower. Sooner or later it doesn't matter because you feel defeated and broken.
I would think about the pain I would cause my family if I killed myself, but they didn't even understand. They were gone after I had "recovered". They didn't stay in touch, and I was alone again. Nobody was there to talk, I could reach out, but in the state of depression you don't want human interaction. I looked around my room for something substantial to tie a rope to, or my backpack strings. I thought if I took enough of my medication, then it would show it's true colors, poison.
I could go into further depth, but I am here now. That was only my first experience with suicide and depression. I had another episode this past spring in 17'. Forget about me. I'm insignificant, you don't know me, and you probably wouldn't notice if I disappeared one day. However, please take some advice in case someone important in your life shows signs of depression.
Help Your Friends
Keep an eye on people in your life. Examine their habitual behavior and look for things that are off. I was an extremely athletic and fit kid in high school 2.5 years later I have gotten chunky and ate like crap. This is a key sign of a significant change in behavior.
Talk to them, try to get them to open up if you can. I haven't spoken deeply to somebody in my family for years, its devastating. I wish it upon nobody to be emotionally alone.
Give the person something to look forward to. It won't be easy, because their brains won't respond the way yours does. I would eat ice cream every day to get a little kick of serotonin, not healthy, but worth it in my eyes. It was all that gave me a little taste of happiness. Sounds pathetic, but it worked a bit.
Let them know that you are there for them, at any time. Call them to check up on them and see how they are doing. Randomly stop by to say hi and maybe get a meal with them.
It's not rocket science
Be a goddamn friend
Love the person that you love. Give them hope, and help them through it.
Or picture your life with them gone. Imagine knowing you can't contact them. Think about how they won't be in existence. What did you do for them before they left? What did you do to prevent what had happened? For my family, the answer would have been short. They would be heavily disappointed with themselves if the worst happened.
People do not realize it until its too late. SO DON'T
You know what you can do. That person is family, don't let them go due to your obliviousness.
"They were selfish and weak"
Hilarious
This sentence cannot enrage me anymore. People state this about individuals who go through with suicide. They turn their back and accuse the victim of their "stupidity". This person was already shattered, and people proclaim that they were cowardly.
I truly don't know exactly what to say about this statement. I can't give somebody a taste of depression. It's cute, people thinking they experience depression when they're simply glum and blue. The people who truly feel the chaos are people who have to sit on the line of existence. Why not? Maybe there is something to look forward to after the deed is done. Who knows, these are things that would almost encourage me to continue.
Shout out to @wolfenlord, thank you for inspiring me to write my post. Check out their post at this link,
https://steemit.com/psychology/@wolfenlord/my-take-on-depression-learn-how-to-get-rid-of-it
I've ranted enough. Give people some love. Upvote and comment about your experiences please! I'd love to listen and be there if anybody needs to talk.
thanks
This is very touching, and i would like to thank you for sharing this, i can't imagine it being easy. I've talked a close friend out of suicide before, and the thought of it happening again absolutely terrifies me. The signs aren't always there, so it can't be very hard to see when a person is struggling, but i'll do my best to spot them.
I hope you're doing okay, and is able to enjoy the festive seasons :)
Gratitude Emil! I wish you many blessings this season. Keep an eye on that friend, good for you for being there; that shows true companionship. I've been stable for some time, but I never know when a wave will come my way.
Appreciate you reading.