How to understand that this is love

in #life7 years ago



We are often not sure of our feelings: is it just friendly sympathy, or have we really finally found our “soul mate”? Scientists offer three questions, the answers to which will help us better understand our feelings.

Saying “I love you” is like saying “I want to be with you, and when you are not around, I feel bad and I miss you.” To say “I love you” means to say “When I look at you, something softens in me, and I want to hug you and pull you close.


It means saying with the yanami Indians: Ya pihi irakema - "I have become infected with your being."


It means to say: “A part of you entered into me and lives in me. Because I see you in a dream, because I feel your presence, even when you are not around. Because I can no longer imagine how it is to live without you.


And after we sincerely said all this, putting all our soul into the words, after we repeated it in the registry office or in the mayor's office, we divorced - more than half the time.




So what should we say to ourselves to find out if a long life is prepared for our union?


The Love Lab in Seattle, created by John and Julia Gottman, explores the life of couples in the long term. They seek to understand what distinguishes strong and harmonious alliances from those couples that break out and quickly go out.


According to this laboratory, for a strong marriage, it is necessary that both partners honestly and sincerely answer "yes" to three questions. These questions only seem simple - in fact, everything is somewhat deeper.


1. Would you like to be friends with this person? In other words, could you have a rich and fruitful relationship with this person if you were not sexual partners and were not going to have children?

Such a question immediately excludes those with whom we are primarily tied to physical attraction or plans that are not tied to the everyday reality of everyday life.

When I say “I love you”, do I say “I like to live with you, even if we do not caress each other and do not make common plans for the future”?

I like it when love takes its rightful place: with its feet on the ground, and with its head it reaches the stars


2. Do you respect this person as a person (with his preferences, lifestyle, values)? Do you respect his attitude to the world and relations with other people regardless of his behavior towards you?

This allows us to assess whether we love another person, not only for what he gives us (and what can end), but also for how he interacts with the world (and this can go on forever).

Does our declaration of love amount to the words “I love you as a gift to the world, already your presence in it is a gift”?


3. Are you ready to accept the fact that some of the flaws will never disappear? The shortcomings that are already annoying you every day will almost certainly continue to make your couple's mechanism squeak and rumble: the habit of scattering things or the need to meet with friends every weekend ...


Does my “I love you” mean that “I managed to convince myself that with time everything that does not suit me will be smoothed out”?

Or can I say that “What I love in you is so powerful, so unique and so desirable, that I love you despite everything that distinguishes you and will always distinguish you from my ideal”? Can I tell myself with the utmost frankness that I love you the present?

As for me, I am glad when it is possible to combine romance and reality like this. I like it when love takes its rightful place: with its feet on the ground, and with its head it reaches the stars.

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