When I just had just started on Steemit @techslut gave me a tip about a chance to have something I had written featured by a user. Since I am trying new things I sat down to write immediately. Thankfully my submission was accepted and you can see it here. If you haven't read it before this post will not make much sense however. Ever since I wrote the post I have been thinking that I should also post the real truth because while 90% of it was true, 10% was added to make it a better work of fiction. I prefer to write truth but sometimes fiction can be a fun challenge, and the story would not have been as fitting if I had just written all the truths.
There are a lot of similarities, I did, however, feel a bit more for the guy than I stated. I had just been single for a year and not been able to feel much about anything, especially not any feelings related to love. The summer boy, that I will refer to as SB from now on, and I hit it off really well on Tinder and then later Discord. It is always odd to me when I find out that someone has similar issues to me, especially in this case when we proved to be extremely similar, perhaps a bit too similar.
I remember our first date pretty vividly even if it's nearly a year since. We were supposed to meet in town by one of the fountains and my phone did not work. It was raining, a lot, and since I could not text him and change our meeting spot I had to just sit there and try to read, causing the sight to look rather ridiculous. After a while, since he was late, I found some cover but I was still pretty soaked. When he finally arrived, it all felt better, even if I was cold and soaked. We went to his place and just talked, had some tea probably and then later that night we headed out to a bar to meet up some friends of mine. I had not planned for the date to last a day but we had so much fun it did. It also lasted long enough for him to come with me home for some nice first-date sex!
I remember that we saw each other a lot the first week, even if both of us really need some personal space and alone time but you all know how it can be when you first start seeing someone. Had I known what I do now, I would have tried to take it a bit slower but I honestly thought it was impossible for me to fall for someone or even feel something for that matter. So, very very shortly after, I fell hard. Mostly because I had no guard up and perhaps deep down I wanted to feel again. This is where the problems started. SB was not exactly feeling that well mentally, and I thought I was feeling better than I did honestly. In hindsight, I was still pretty ill mentally even if I was well into my recovery. Deep down I knew how emotionally unavailable SB was but hope can be stupidly strong sometimes so I felt that maybe he would just miraculously be able to feel for me as I did for him. I'll save you the time and just tell you right away, he didn't.
The night I broke down at his place was one of the most embarrassing things ever. Everything is a bit of a blur regarding this night as I had a very long panic attack. I believe it got triggered by my hopes that we would become a couple (even if we had just seen each other for a few weeks, so it was way too soon but my stupid feelings did not care about that) and he told me what he had been clear about from the start, that he couldn't have a relationship currently. So I just locked myself into the bathroom and cried while having my panic attack, at some point I let him in and we talked, it started to feel better but I still felt pretty heart broken. In hindsight, I realize what a crazy person I must have seemed to be, and honestly, I was crazy. It would be irresponsible of my actions to call it 'crazy in love' but in some ways that is a good way to explain it.
The last time I met him I remember holding him close and telling him I was trying to create a memory since I felt like I did not know when we'd see each other again and he did the same. I think we both knew it was the end. Shortly after, I told him we could not see each other anymore. I knew he needed space to work on himself and it was pretty painful for me since he did not feel for me as I did for him. I did, however, do the classic hurt teenage girl thing, I started writing down the things I wanted to tell him. Yep... You thought you'd be safe from cringe in one of my love related posts? You underestimate me! I wrote something down almost every day. Could be a party I was at that I wished he would have been at or just how I started to feel better from that emotional chaos I had brought upon myself.
Meanwhile, I tried to get over him as quick as possible. I had been given a lot to think about, not only about my feelings but also my behaviour. Looking back I am not surprised he did not want to be with me. I was intense and pushy while also being unable to chill and let things take their time. While I wanted to think I was able to respect his needs of lone time and the fact he had his own life to live it is safe to say now that I honestly didn't. I never wanted things to go where they did but sometimes even the kindest gesture can turn into something bad. After a month I allowed myself to contact him, deep down I probably hoped he would change his mind about me after he had read all the things I had written while we did not speak. He informed me I was not the first girl to do the writing thing, and it stung a bit. He had also not changed his mind about me because honestly, I was not on his mind anymore, and I do not blame him for that.
All bad things can come with a lot of good when you look back. This whole experience caused me to have to take a serious look at myself and to start working on some problems I did not really know I had. I worked on them the whole summer and I had started to become rather chill, less of a control freak, able to let things take their time while also being able to control my emotions better. It was too little and too late for SB and I, even though I had hoped he would like the new me, and perhaps even willing to give us another chance. It has still not happened. And I doubt it ever will because I am not sure I want him. I do not think he is the right for me because I now believe that I deserve better because -I- am better. So I want to thank you, SB, for being the trigger that started my positive transformation. Could not have done it without you, bro.
So ladies, remember this, even if something goes to horse shit, you are in a position where you can do some proper change of the positive kind. So get out there, experience, learn and adapt. Until next time ~
Also, here is a pic of me because I need a thumbnail and I look really cute.
Thank you! And nice banner there repping Team Girlpowa!
At least you learned. I never learn!
It's always good to speak the truth. Great story, and you're right. There isn't anything you can't bounce back from with a little effort.
Thanks appie, other good things that come out of all these messes is that one can write about it and hopefully make people laugh or facepalm a little!
hahaha, most definitely! Laughing at ourselves in important :)
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STOPu r realy cute.Follow me back and look more beauty