Some keys we use to develop relationships:
We have many different kinds of relationships.
We have friendships, romances, work and school-related connections, family ties, etc.
Each has the capacity to advance us, adding to our feelings of self-worth, enjoyment, and growth.
These relationships are healthy.
On the other hand, in other situations, we may find ourselves feeling uncomfortable. It can be difficult to come to the realization that a lover, friend, colleague, or family member is not treating us with the respect we deserve. Keep in mind that in all kinds of kinships, there is likely to be some disagreement, need for compromise, and times of frustration. Frustration is a function of expectation sometimes we need to evaluate our expectations.
These are not necessarily an indication that a relationship is unhealthy.
Some things to think about when considering whether a relationship is healthy or not:
In a healthy relationship, you:
Value each other’s differences; one of the strengths in relationships is in valuing each other’s differences not allowing our differences to drive us apart, using the differences as complementary to one another (Steven Covey)
This is the fundamental rule to having sex...she is not the other sex, she is the opposite sex... which is why you are together...VALUE the differences without, you cannot have sex...
Dwell with each other according to knowledge: If I love you, I will do things to enhance our relationship…things you like, not the things you do not!
Can resolve conflicts satisfactorily:
In conflict, a suggestion is to role play: You are at the restaurant, one is the order taker the other is ordering, the order takers job is to take the order then restate the order until the order is understood, suggestion: seek to understand first, then to be understood (Steven Covey)…you can not understand without listening!
Understand them by listening intently, and restate their position. The order takers job is to listen only, not interject, we all need understanding, when we have an understanding, we feel validated, valued and appreciated (Steven Covey)… this is one way to resolve conflicts.
Can trust each other:
Trust is difficult, and earned, not given, and this takes time…
To build the emotional bank account, or trust account, you make deposits by your actions or reactions, by listening intently, listening with your eyes. Sometimes it is not words but body language… you cannot withdraw more than you deposit, (Steven Covey) old scripts we have in our minds by our experiences that can manipulate our ability to trust, it takes time to write new scripts…
Communicate clearly and openly, suggestion: being open about differences in opinion, goals, and dreams.
Not necessarily speaking your mind, but having discretion with your words, so that we don’t cut the others head off in the process of getting to the point, by prefacing our words with perhaps… “Just a suggestion…“or “you probably know, this really bugs me…”.
Not by shoving it under the rug only to resurface again, expressing ones needs & expectations and again valuing each other’s differences… (Steven Covey)
Sometimes it is not so easy to decide if a troublesome tie should be maintained the way it is, worked on, or ended before it goes any further.
One thing to consider is if the relationship was ever different than it is now, be conscious to recognize is there something stressful happening that could be affecting the way you interact? Maybe money is tight, you've moved, are looking for work, are dealing with a difficult family circumstance, or are going through some other kind of transition.
Or maybe there are problems from a while back that were never resolved, and are now resurfacing. What in particular is bothering you, and what would you like to see change? Talk over these questions with each other, or with someone you trust, like a friend, teacher, or counselor. Think about what, if anything, you can each do to make the other feel more comfortable in the relationship.
Are each sexual by choice
Treat each other with respect
Feel secure and comfortable
Are not violent with each other
Enjoy the time you spend together
Support one another
Take interest in one another's lives: health, family, work, etc.
Have privacy in the relationship
Have letters, phone calls, and e-mail that are your own
Make healthy decisions about alcohol or other drugs
Encourage other friendships
Are honest about your past and present sexual activity if the relationship is intimate
Know that most people in your life are happy about the relationship
Have more good times in the relationship than bad, hey, that would be a plus!
Does this ring a bell?
In an unhealthy relationship, one or both of you:
Try to control or manipulate the other
Make the other feel bad about her-/him
Ridicule or call names
Dictate how the other dresses
Do not make time for each other
Criticize the other's friends
Are afraid of the other's temper
Discourage the other from being close with anyone else
Ignore each other when one is speaking
Are overly possessive or get jealous about ordinary behavior
Criticize or support others in criticizing people with your gender, race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, religion, disability, or other personal attribute
Control the other's money or other resources (e.g., car)
Harm or threaten to harm children, family, pets, or objects of personal value
Push, grab, hit, punch, or throw objects
Use physical force or threats to prevent the other from leaving
If a partner, friend, or colleague is harming you or your loved ones physically, emotionally, or sexually, it is time to seek help. If s/he is encouraging other harmful behaviors, like abuse of alcohol or other drugs, unsafe sexual activity, or other activities that make you feel uncomfortable, you have a right to leave. There are many resources available to help you.
Perhaps the most important thing to do is to trust your instincts and the people close to you whose opinions you trust and value. Each one of us deserves to feel safe, valued, and cared for. Keep in mind that one of the strongest signs of a healthy relationship is that both people involved feel good about themselves. In addition, by treating yourself with self-respect and believing in your right to be treated well, you are taking important steps towards developing reasonable, mutually fulfilling ties in the future.
Resources for people dealing with unhealthy relationships:
24-hour National Domestic Violence Hotlines (7 days a week)
National Bilingual Hotline: (800) 799-SAFE (-7233)
(will translate into over 130 languages)
TTY: (800) 787-3224
National Association of Social Workers, Inc. (NASW)
(provides referrals to social workers and services)
(202) 408-8600
American Psychological Association (APA)
(offers a practice directory for referrals to psychological services)
(800) 374-2721 / (202) 336-5500
TTY: (800) 374-2721 (x6123)
YMCA of the U.S.A.
(800) 872-9622 / (312) 977-0031
YWCA of the U.S.A.
(800) YWCA-US1 (992-2871) / (212) 273-7800