I have written before on how fragile the adoption process is; not only are we dealing with young and innocent lives who often find it impossible to feel safe and settled, but the feelings, emotions and opinions of birth parents, social workers and adoptive parents come into play too. This makes adoption one of the most intricate family dynamics and to remain respectful to each other, while keeping the well-being of the children in mind, we need to tread ever so lightly.
Each adoption taboo topic has the potential to raise varying questions and differing opinions. It is unfortunate however that these topics are very often considered as taboo and while I fully respect that others have different views on adoption, just as I know each situation and person is unique, I truly do hope that we will reach a point where adoption can be discussed more openly and that these topics don’t have to remain ‘taboo’.
The word taboo means to prohibit discussion of a person, thing, or idea due to social customs.
I hope that by talking about the following taboo topics that we can open the doors to honest communication and that they will not remain taboo. I hope that as a population, we can instead share our feelings and opinions, without meaning or feeling any disrespect.
10 Taboo Adoption Topics
ONE: Choices that birth parents make.
When expectant parents are considering the adoption route, they most likely have an idea of the type of family they would like the child to be placed with. Some pity childless couples and prefer the child go to them while others often opt for large families with instant siblings. For the most part, birth parents are also the ones who decide on whether they want an open, semi-open or closed adoption. This is an extremely personal decision and while you might disagree with their choices, you have to support them and show respect. It’s OK if they are trying to find the family that feels like the perfect fit to THEM, and not the other way around.
TWO: Choices that adoptive parents make.
When people adopt, the decision is very often preceded by heart ache. Sometimes couples cannot fall pregnant or have perhaps lost a child and are desperate to start or grow a family. After deciding to focus on adoption, there is then the choice of what kind of adoption feels right for their family. The adoptive parents can also voice what kind of adoption they would like, or what gender and race would fit their family. The birth parents can then agree to the expectations, or not. Everyone is allowed preferences during the adoption process and we have to respect these preferences. The individuals involved know what they are capable of and how they will be able to love and care for the adopted children within the new family dynamics.
THREE: Adoptive couples don’t need to be perfect – they just need to be parents.
This one really sits with me. So often we, as adoptive parents, feel the pressure of being a perfect parent because this is what we chose. Adoptive parents feel they need to be perfect for their children, their social workers, the birth parents…for everyone really! Comments like this are made all too often: "Well this is what you wanted for so long. Why are you complaining about it?". Parenting is hard, kids are difficult – no matter how you became a parent, it’s going to be hard and you are going to make mistakes! Please do not make comments like the above, instead sympathise and help where you can. We are all simply trying to do our best.
FOUR: Birth parents can be happy after placement.
Adoption comes with so much sadness. It is not easy handing a child over and along with this heart ache, birth parents experience guilt too. But this does not mean that they should not find or deserve happiness. They deserve all the joys life has to offer them, just like everyone else. We all have strengths and weaknesses, we all deserve to find our place in life, a happy place.
FIVE. Adoption is not a solution to infertility.
The best piece of advice I was given before starting the adoption process was to mourn the fact that I might never be pregnant and make peace with it. Adoption does not cure infertility and for some women and men too, it might not fill that void. It is important that one realises that adoption and giving birth to biological children are two very different things and different experiences.
SIX. Respect a person’s decision to adopt.
In some cultures, believe it or not, adoption itself is a taboo. Even in Western cultures people are questioned when they adopt, especially of they already have biological children. They might also be criticized on wanting to adopt a certain race only, or from a specific country. What you have to know about adoption is that EVERY situation is different and complex and unique to those in it. People follow their hearts and have reason for their actions, trust and respect that they are doing what’s right.
SEVEN. Adoption is pain.
As much as we would like to think that adoption is a good thing, it comes with so much guilt, pain and loss. While adoptive parents rejoice in receiving their new child, birth parents hurt at the decision they have made. While adopted children are enveloped into a loving family, they have lost their first one. Some try to cover their pain, so as to not hurt others, or they keep their guilt to themselves, so that other’s can be happy. For this reason, we need to show love to everyone involved, we need to make sure portals of communication are always open and a safe space should be created where everyone feels comfortable to share their feelings, without resentment.
EIGHT. Adoption is fear.
There are MANY fears in adoption on all sides. Many are irrational fears. A common one among adoptive couples is that the child who was adopted will one day leave your family for their biological family or that they will resent you for adopting them. A common fear among birth parents is that the child that they placed will be angry at them for placing them. It's ok to think about these fears, but don't dwell on them. Choose love instead. Love your child. Love your adoptive couple. Love your birth parents. Love yourself. - https://adoption.com/
NINE. When things go wrong…or right?
People change their minds, and this happens in adoption too. Sometimes a child will be placed with an adoptive family, only for the birth parents to change their minds and ask for the child back. Now it’s the adoptive parents who will mourn the loss. But who are we to argue that children should in fact preferably stay with their biological parents? Again, here lies guilt, resentment and sadness.
TEN. Adoption is an exhausting journey.
Every family has layers, but a family with adopted children has more. There are more dynamics, politics and things to think about. There are more emotions, feelings and opinions. This can often be overwhelming and exhausting for all family members.
As a birth parent, you think about the child you placed for adoption nearly every minute of every day. You love that child so much. The exhausting thing is that sometimes family and friends don't understand that. They don't know how to handle conversations raised about your adoption or realise that you can love someone who you let go. You may feel like you can never move on. And that can feel overwhelming.
Adoption is beautiful, it’s a miracle in its self. But with beauty comes complexity, imperfections and sadness. Even beautiful things can feel pain. As an adoptive parent I do everything in my power to try see each situation through everyone’s eyes, my son’s eyes being the most important. While there are so many taboos to adoption, this does not mean that happiness cannot prevail and that adoptive families and birth parents cannot prosper in their journey.
Wonderful content, but this was originally posted two years ago.
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