People think of me as an agamic masochist. Hellbent over alluring agonizing and excruciating pain towards myself. It is as if I find myself in it. As if it completes me.
Makes me wonder if I am a "trouble magnet". Not the sort that Netflix would derive a quirky story for a supportive role from, but the type that the shamans would swear to never see the light of day.
In many ways I detest living like this. In other ways it has already become my identity. I seek grunge even in the brightest sunny days. I know I should stay away from the pain and hurt, but I also find the need to keep myself close to it.
You ask why? It is easier to accept that the pain is coming my way than hoping for something colourful. When there are no expectations, they cannot be broken.
I am not a masochist. I am a realist. I have scrutinized every little moment I have lived through thoroughly. I have seldom found salvation. All the memories of things that could go right only left my shoulders heavy with the thoughts of how things could go more wrong.
Have I really sought help? In many ways. Whoever said addiction is addicting, was wrong. I have never gotten addicted to anything. Shrooms, lsd, not even cigarettes. Nothing stays attached to anything falling apart as badly as I do. Not even addictions.
Many a times I have seen a therapist. Poured my heart out to another human with no grain of judgement in a closed room. You know the funny thing about therapists that no one speaks of? No matter how close and personal you get, the feeling of talking and sharing to another human never appears.
I always felt as if I was talking to a wall that replied with vague recommendations. But I could never stick to any solid recommendations either. Maybe therapy didn't work out for me. Maybe it doesn't for anyone. But we still praise therapy like we praise the Gunner's defence.
You ask if I reached out to God? We all have a religion. All of us. The atheists too. Some find it in music, some in skiing, some in meditation. We all have our own religions. Things we find ourselves comfortable and relaxed in.
I tend to push myself away from the healing archetypes. They try to shower everyone in their path with their "healing energy" and blessings. There is a limit to how much I could take of that before getting tired of it not doing me any good.
It had become my religion at one point. Surrounding myself in a blanket of healing mantras and extraordinarily big smiles. I tried suffocating myself in it. But that is what it was, suffocation. Not the type that I enjoyed.
Hello, @twistedtaste! This is @jcrodriguez from @OCD team. We saw that you already posted your first post here in Hive! Congratulations and welcome! However, it would be awesome if you do an introduction post. As a sample of what an intro post is, you can refer to this intro post for reference:
Keeping Up With the Buzz - My Introduction to the Hive Community
There's no specific format on how you do your intro post, but there is some suggested content that we would love to see in your post. Information like who are you and where you're from, how did you discover Hive or who invited you, what types of content you want to see here and the types that you want to produce, and what are your expectations in this platform. There's no pressure on this. You can choose whatever information you would like to share.
You can explore the communities that you may like in this post: OCD Communities Incubation Program. There is a wide variety of topics, you are sure to find the right communities for your content.
You may encounter RC (Resource Credits) issues when trying to comment/post because you don't have enough Hive Power in your account yet. You can fix this with a one week temporary delegation through the Gift Giver Site. Another solution is for the person who recommended Hive to delegate some Hive Power to you.
If you are looking for tips and information as a Hive newbie, click here: newbie guide. They are easy to understand and useful for learning how the platform ecosystem works.
Please be aware that Hive is a bit different from other social media platforms since you are monetizing your blog, so it is important not to include content that you don't own without sources (and it shouldn't exceed 50% of the post). For more information, check this post - Why and How People Abuse and Plagiarise by hivewatchers.
If you have questions or concerns, you can hop into OCD's Discord server and we'll gladly answer your questions.
Lovesniper will follow you and we are looking forward to your intro post!
Hope to see your next posts soon!