Where to begin, a topic that that really pulls the strings of my heart. The difference between a good day and a bad day. Mental health, I am no expert and I doubt I ever will be but I do struggle often with the ups and downs of life as it is. I would love to have a simple answer or 'fix' but there really doesn't seem to be one for me or people I know who go through their own struggles with mental health. I do however have the power to at least talk about it and raise awareness by talking about my own struggles or being there for someone else through their own difficulties.
I am a firm believer in being honest with people, sometimes that can be made difficult because the honesty might be about a personal struggle inside you. I don't like to be thought of as weak or not 'man' enough because of something like depression or anxiety issues. I won't deny sometimes I just cry and I don't understand why right away, is that something to be ashamed of? fuck no. All the emotions I experience are a part of who I am and how I grow and learn more about myself as a person.
My struggle with depression and anxiety has been an ongoing one, it sometimes feels like I am on top of the world. That can change at any point in time over the most simple things not going to plan or as expected. As a father who no longer gets to spend every single day around my kids it really does have a massive impact on how I function some days. These kids mean the world to me and having someone try to withhold them from me just because they can as a final grasp at control over me is depressing. It just really sucks. I know plenty of men and women out there who have it worse off than myself, but it doesn't make my pain and struggle worth any less. I do still get to see my 3 amazing children, just not as often as I would like and sometimes even that time can be taken away because an ex-wife wants to play games with me. It is disgusting that this can and does happen to parents all over the world, I just want to help raise the best children possible. I don't want them to be used in a way that is malicious towards others in any form.
I could be having a fantastic week, happy days back to back, a sense of normal, and things seem to be going well for me. Come to the weekend of fathers day, a day I really love to just be with and around my kids doing anything. Just being able to be with them seeing them happy and talking about anything to see those smiles and hear that laughter because dad can sometimes be a funny bastard. This year fathers day was set on the terms of the mother because she wanted to go away for the weekend and well dad doesn't matter as much as a mum. After all, he is just the dad.
Taking away something that the kids were also really looking forward to like that really hurts me and it really hurts them even more so. My kids were talking about father's day for weeks before the actual day. They love their dad and I love them, they make me happy and I make them happy. They really do like being given the chance to give and fathers day to my kids is one of those chances to show appreciation with even just the biggest hug they have ever given.
This weekend going so poorly really hit hard for me and seeing the kids upset that they didn't see their dad on fathers day is heart-wrenching. This was another steep decline for me mentally, I knew I was sad and upset about the whole situation. However, I didn't notice that it was another trigger for me and the mental issues I can struggle with. It can start small, just not really wanting to talk to friends or family as much as usual. I still can laugh or joke around in front of people or online with friends, but as soon as I am alone with my thoughts again I just can't. I don't care to smile, I just want to cry or be angry that I am crying and I can't stop it from happening.
I really never know how far downhill I can go but I luckily do have some amazing support around me with friends and family. I don't always have to talk about exacts with them, just them asking me how I am doing or a simple invitation somewhere with them for a few hours or the weekend really does help me personally get back up and at it again. I really don't think I would be alive today if I didn't have these people around me to keep me going. I don't really want to type anymore as this is already upsetting me and tears make it hard to see what I am writing properly on my screen. I just know at the very least the small amount I do share could help others and this writing also no doubt helps me process and grow as a person/father/partner as well.
I do thank everyone who has ever been there for me or my kids. I might not always say it but I do love you all for being good people. Any questions about me or if anyone just wants someone to talk to who isn't judgemental or biased, feel free to message me. I'm not the smartest man but I am good at listening and offering perspective to others when and where I can. So hit me up in the comments or if you want a more personal chat feel free to get a hold of me and I will do what I can.
Much love <3
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