Yes, #metoo. I hate to say it, but it's true. And unfortunately, there are too many me toos out there. It is sad and heartbreaking. This is what our society has become. And so many women (and men) will never tell their story because they are either too afraid, too ashamed, or maybe, just like myself, they have talked themselves into believing that their experience was "not that bad."
When it happened to me, I was already in my late twenties. Not that young, but young enough, and trusting and naive enough to never tell anyone. Until now.
"Why now?" one might ask. The #metoo movement, as I am sure it did for a lot of people, sparked feelings and emotions in me that were long hidden and repressed. For me, the experience happened, and I dealt with it by trying to forget that it ever happened. In the following years after that, I have even met with and even hugged on several occasions the very same person who violated my trust and respect.
I started my formal training in martial arts when I was in my teens. As a young girl, I was often the only female in my classes. I grew up and became accustomed to being around boys and men of all ages. When we held exhibitions, we often times had to do costume changes, and it was no problem for me to take off my shirt or pants and change in front of my mostly male classmates. These classmates were my brothers, and there was never any inappropriate touching or even inappropriate language. We all just did what we had to do, and we were like one big family.
My teacher moved away a few years after I started my training and opened a sister school in another location. He left his top student in charge of the school, and it was then that I started my training under Liam.*
I had known Liam for many years. He was about ten years older than I was, and I really admired and was in awe of his amazing skill in martial arts. He was like an older brother to me, and when he officially took over the school, he became a quasi-father figure.
I trusted him with everything. In martial arts, as with many sports, you form a bond with your teacher. There is a trust and respect for the person who is teaching you this special art. Mixed in with the art of combat is an element of Eastern Philosophy, and with the regular philosophical conversations, your teacher can also become somewhat of a spiritual leader.
In short, I trusted Liam. He was family.
One day, I got injured. I was practicing and I pulled a muscle in my shoulder and upper back. I had an upcoming competition/tournament, and I wanted to heal quickly. In the past, I frequently injured my ankles, and Liam had always helped me to heal quickly by rubbing a magical liquid that we called "bruise medicine." So, when I hurt my shoulder and upper back, Liam offered to heal me with bruise medicine.
I thought nothing of it. It felt routine. I went into Liam's office and he closed the door. He locked it. Still, I didn't think anything of it. He told me to sit in the chair and to take off my shirt so that he could apply the medicine. I did as he asked, and again I thought nothing of it. I kept my sports bra on for decency. He opened the jar of ointment and he rubbed his hands with it. He started rubbing my shoulders and upper back, carefully massaging me with ointment only on the injured part. This went on for a few minutes. I became uncomfortable only when another student knocked on the door, and he yelled out, "Come back in twenty minutes." His voice had become different. Deeper and more gruff.
My instincts, long overdue, finally woke up. I felt myself tense up under his hands. He must have felt my anxiety as well, so he held me down on one shoulder and his other hand, previously within only the appropriate zone, crossed the boundary and found its way to the front of my bra. I stiffened even more. My mind was racing. I felt fear. I wanted to cry, but I felt paralyzed. He continued to hold me down on one shoulder while his other hand kept groping my breasts.
I was saved only because whomever was knocking on the door would not stop. I quickly put my shirt back on, and left the room.
I felt like I had been hit with a stun gun. I was shocked and confused. I felt like I was drunk. I used my shoulder injury to skip my class, make my exit, and go home.
When I got home, I sat in the shower and cried. I blamed myself for what happened. I told myself that Liam was my teacher, and I owed him so much. I convinced myself that he would never do anything to hurt me. I even started to doubt myself that it ever happened.
I did not come back to the school. Instead I contacted my former teacher and asked if I could train under him. His school was fifty miles away. I cited that my reason for wanting to study under him again was that I had outgrown Liam's teachings and wanted to further advance my knowledge.
Throughout the years, I have run into Liam at tournaments and other martial arts related events. We are friendly and cordial, and on several occasions, we have even greeted each other with a hug.
I do not want to say that I forgive him, because I don't. But the fear, anger, and bewilderment are no longer there. I still feel a sense of guilt, however, that I never told anyone about what happened. I successfully convinced myself that what happened to me was "not that bad" and that maybe I was partly to blame for (1) entering a closed room with him, and (2) taking off my shirt.
Sometimes I wonder if he had ever been inappropriate with any of the other students. In the moments I think this, the guilt hits me even more. I should have said something. Of course I should have. I might have been able to save any other potential victims.
I write this now, not to seek for justice, but simply because it has been cathartic to finally tell this story that I have been holding inside of me for all these years. It has been a long time, close to twenty years now. I do not feel the need to bring him to justice. I was, fortunately, one of the lucky ones, in that my situation was "not that bad." I only wish that I did do something, or tell someone, after it happened, if for nothing else than to make sure that what he did to me did not happen to anyone else.
*Liam is not his real name.