Back in the 80's, at the age of seventeen, I moved to the famed Hollywood located in the "City of Angels". I had been living in Brooklyn with my mother and almost father. He was an actor in The Colonades Theatre Lab in Manhattan, a repertory theater off Broadway. Repertory theater, I learned as a kid, is when the same cast does multiple productions, of which I was lucky enough, at the age of 12, to be in one of their productions. I'll always remember seeing Rhea Pearlman perform a show at our theater of a woman playing a man stranded alone in the Viet Nam war waiting for help. She was riviting.
From the stoop of the theatre, inbetween scenes of the play I was in, is another memorable moment when I saw Groucho Marx coming out of the last night of Cats off Broadway, while I was on break in between scenes of the play I had been cast in. My twelve year old eyes were surprise to see two beautiful young girls hanging on each of his eighty some old arms.
By and by, the talented and unique cast of this particular theater company began leaving NYC for the promising magic and money of the silver screen in sunny LA. Two of these folks became very famous almost immediately. Many others from this theater company had viable careers in the movie and television business, including my step father.
And of course I aspired to become an actress, having gotten the bug by being cast in the small role of Kolia, a little boy (yes boy - I had to get a god awful perm at the time to look like a boy - imagine what that did for my self image in school - I mean, it wasn't like I looked like a cute boy or anything) in a play by Moliere called A Month in the Country.
I remember, Eddie, the actor who played my babysitter in the play once tickled me just before entering the stage during a performance. Not understanding that his intent was to have me enter the scene laughing I turned to him and said, "Stop it Eddie!" loud enough for the audience to hear. Oh how I love embarrassing moments of not knowing what's going on and not being quick enough to get it.
But I digress - we're in Los Angeles now ... Hollywood High School - where over 30 languages were spoken at that time - can you believe it?? I had friends from all over the world.
True to it's name, Hollywood High is where lots of famous people went to school and where we put on fabulous productions of plays and musicals with our glorious director, Mr. Jerry Milton. His daughter did a lovely recap of his life and times at Hollywood High here: http://hhsalumnicommunity.ning.com/profiles/blogs/mary-melton
In my junior year we did a production of West Side Story, a massive undertaking, which was amazing ... and I was in it! Aaaaand, holy smokes, while researching images for this article I came upon a video of the whole production here:
Fairly terrible quality but if you were there you'll love it! If you weren't you can at least see what an amazing production it is for a High School to pull off.
And this is what seeing myself in this video from 1981 brings up in me; sadness, shame and embarrassment. Of course I'm in awe that the production was so good and that I got to be a part of it. The pain I feel, however is in the remembering. Remember when I said I was basically too slow to realize Eddie was tickling me to help the scene go better? Well there's a reason for me being slow on the up take. But before I get to that I want to say that when I was attending Hollywood High School I remember thinking I was such hot shit - so much "better" than everyone else in some secret indefinable way, when the fact of the matter is, I was wracked with anxiety coupled with it's resulting fight or flight adrenaline most of the time. So much so that I could barely think clearly in a lot of ways because the fear I was in was always commanding a significant chunk of my attention. The general persistent stress I had been living in as a child took a lot of my inner attention as well. I also had a somewhat crippled leg and foot yet I was a principle dancer in this production and somehow, beyond my knowing how, I not only remembered the steps, I also pulled them off in shoes which I can't stand due to the pain they cause me. I do look stiffer than I realized compared to what hot shit I thought I was. But most of the sadness comes from remembering how I presented myself to be so cool and smart and such a "somebody" when in reality I felt so extremely frightened that not only was I a nobody but that I actually caused others distress by my mere existence. The pain of hiding such a gross amount of fear and the constant undercurrent thought that I caused others' distress by existing was considerable - and that's most of what I remember.
Oh, yes, I remember too that I didn't get to dance in the steamy hot number (probably because I was so stiff - which I'm certainly not when I dance my own steps - even to this day - but I've certainly been stiff doing choreography which is part of why I can't believe I even did what I did on stage). And that I was so jealous of the girls who got to dance in the steamy hot number that steam was constantly coming out of my ears whenever I thought of not being in the number. How on earth I rationalized being "better" than everyone else in the face of not being in the steamy hot number I don't know - I only know that I rationalized it.
And I remember Mr Milton yelling up to the stage at me, "Get that red lipstick off!" I'm pretty sure that's the only directive he ever actually gave me...
And of course I remember my bestie who played the role "Anybodies" - the tomboy who keeps trying to join the Jets, (and who just told me she secretly wanted to be a Shark!) She and I continually grabbed each other's tushes for fun during the run of show and it started a fad which really pissed us off because then other people tried to grab our tushes, and they were not invited to!
Despite the anxiety/fight or flight complexity I was experiencing we (my hidden multiple personalities and I) did have fun.
While I performed in a few more plays in High School I ended up leaving the acting scene a couple of years after graduating. I was waking up at night grinding my teeth in terror and realized that my acting ability was considerably compromised by the sheer extreme discomfort I felt inside myself.
I didn't know myself. I didn't know why I was overwhelmed with anxiety 24/7. I needed answers. I didn't think I knew myself enough to be an actress. I had to find myself, first, before anything else...
(My Life in SoCal in the Eighties - To be continued ...)
#SoCalSteemit #mycalifornia #socialsteemit with shouts out to: #freewrite #freewritehouse for getting me writing and to #theluvbug LOVELOVELOVELOVE!! Thanks for all the fun!!
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What an awesome My California entry!! Thank you so much for participating!!
And I think you and @byn need to get to know each other. You have much in common - dealing with multiple personalities...
Thank you Marianne for liking my SoCal entry! I have more stories plus I lived in NorCal as well. Looking forward to writing more about it all!! And thanks for the heads up on @byn I look forward to connecting with her.
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WOW, WOW & WOW! THANK YOU VERY MUCH!! I can't wait to post Part 2!
THANK YOU!! 😍
Hah whatever...you looked like some ugly boy in the school but you were an actress!!
Haha poor Eddie guy, being more experienced trying to pull of a cool move and young you destroying it hahah :D
I'm from europe and even I've heard a name "Hollywood highschool" :D
Woow that must be amazing, watching the production after soo many years. I hope to watch my vlogs like that hahaha :D
Oh wow...the second part wasn't soo much fun as the first one...do you think you're 2 personalities problem came from actually being an actress and therefore constantly acting like another person?
Hi MatkoDurko,
Thanks for the fabulous reply!
Oh it was excruciating having that tight afro perm and NOT having the luscious round features that go well with it (for two years in a row) but I thank you for pointing out that there are things more important than looks!
It IS amazing to watch that video after so many years. In the second dance I did much better than I thought and am still surprised I pulled off as much as I did considering...
As for the two personalities (or three or four), acting may have contributed to my refining various fronts of my presentation personality but I think it was ongoing stress, instability, internal self loathing and constant anxiety that played the larger role. My freewrite piece entitled "I Know" talks about some of the challenges I was faced with and indeed most of my writings are around those challenges and what I've done to rewire and heal the patterns set up in me during childhood.
Laughing is really the best medicine. I thank you for making me laugh and for taking the time to write. Are your vlogs posted on your page? I'd like to check them out. I just finished filming my first vlog!
I mean...everyone has several personalities...it just comes to how much does it effect your daily life and if it's in good or bad way. Me in the shower on sitting on the toilet definitely isn't the same me which you meet at work haha :D
Oh yepp I do vlog only on DTube. It's kinda funny thing to do and I've started cuz the rewards are better then just blogging :) You should consider vlogging more then hah, at the end of the day, you're an actress! :)
Hey @matkodurko, I'm sharing this ole' post to some HHS friends (someone found a picture of us
in Ancestry.com, and while reading over the comments I see I never saw this last comment of yours. You make me laugh with the shower you and the sitting on the toilet you hahaha. Are you still on DTube? I'll look later today when I have more time. Do you do 3speak now? I hope you're still around :)
Howdy from Texas sima369! Wow wasn't that a tremendous culture shock going from NYC out to Southern California? Anyway this is such a raw and honest piece of writing, kudos for such pure truth about your life, it's pretty amazing and emotional, I think we can feel your pain! Great job.
Howdee Janton! Thank you for your feedback. I've moved from culture shock to culture shock my entire life. "Living in the learning curve" I used to say. Feedback is very helpful what with being a newbie at this writing thing :) I hope I continue to captivate with the raw honesty ... always a bit scary but it's all I have to write about...more coming. Loving Steemit!! Thanks again!
hey sima369! You are new at writing? I'm surprised to hear that because your post was so good! That just proves that you're in the right place and are a natural at it! I mean you don't have to worry about succeeding on here with that kind of writing. Living in the learning curve...that's a very interesting and accurate way to put it! See, that's great writing too! lol.
Well, Janton, thanks again! I've been writing my feelings down for years as one of the ways I undertook to process them (and have written some sappy poetry) but joining the #freewrite has caused me to blossom in unexpected ways as a writer. I've been waiting for an avenue to express myself within because I'm bursting with so much to say! I'm inspired by the interactive approach in Steemit (like the daily prompt in the freewrite). It's the perfect venue for throwing yourself out there. I'm completely stoked, and encouraged with the reception I've been getting and the people I've been meeting! Super grateful :)
howdy again sima369! I agree that the freewrite is amazing at bringing things out of people which they never knew they had and developing them as a writer. I'm thrilled that you are so thrilled! lol. You are in with a great bunch of writers and this platform is made for you! People love poetry on here too as I'm sure you know by now. Thanks for getting back to me!
Cheers.