It is still gray outside and has been for days. My mood has become dull and lethargic, I barely want to get out of bed. I force myself to smile and put my feet, at least on the floor. I stretch heartily and take a deep breathe.
Wake up, shower, get coffee, cook ramen, check STEEM.
"The bus comes soon", I tell myself.
Another day just like the last. Life's routine keeps me safe and active. Such sameness has blurred the lines between night and Sun. I tie my shoelaces and lock the door behind me. Earphones in... I don't want to have to answer questions today. I want today to be just like the rest. No cause for worry or alarm.
Another plan...
In 5 years,
I fancy to buy a farm.. Maybe to raise chickens, grow fruits, grains, and vegetables..
Swiftly my mind shuffles and is fixated on a growing panic. Fiercely I scan the world in front of me.
I am interrupted by a lingering notion offering a still silence. The tension and apprehension are thick here, almost suffocating. The man is still tailing me.. Making use of the shadows to elude my thoughts. I mumble to myself, "He thinks he is so clever." I know he is there watching me. Laying in wait to strike. I am no fool, I stand resolute awaiting that moment.
Always watching...
I can feel his piercing stare. He stands behind me in ethereal form. His vaporous presence is chillingly dreadful. I cannot think of any reason he must hunt me, to torture me with my own delusions.
I know he is there.
Isn't he?
The city is safe but the ghettos in my mind are some of the most dangerous slums on the globe. That fact is the reason I must remain quiet and go on about my business. A gray man in the back of the bus whom nobody knows or will not be remembered.
Since im stuck home alot and have been..shit i started getting sick with my breast implants for 2 years i was in a bed. Took them out got better. Then started having episodes where i pass out. I pass out quite often. If i move around, multitask etc. Now when im not binded up. If I do bind,( do it nysellf) I can feel how to adjust my insides. It helps me do things for a few jours at home. So wierd to go through but you learn your body. Because of the falls, i have a lot of brojen inside. And in this county, government insurance is based on treating symptoms. Not to curem But its like the past 5 years, i go to Doctors appointments, get out into the mountains and once in a while i muster the energy to do something crazy! Lol. I get svared just to open the door knob sometimes. To walk into walk mart and loom at everyone staring at me. It feels horrible. Like ground hog day. The same dsy, but subtle changes. Thats why I do appreciate steem. It really is like therapt for me. I create videos and inbetween the shots its hard. So Im started to do videos without me in them. But i do habe good days. I appreciate every boring ass day. I think.my nerves are just shot. I cant handle loud noises. Movements. Yet is my environment is comfortable and im happy, all that seems to just melt away. I guess w
Having Purpose. Ok. Thoughtful Thursday. Lolol. Fuck. There my book. Haaaaa. I just understand what you go through. I kinda dont miss the world. I only miss what people i want in my life and nature;
Word. Loss of self is pretty crushing to the soul. Being sick all the time sucks ass. Especially when the world is just bleh all the time. I try and paint sometimes to brung a little color to my life. Ya'know?
We do what we can 💚📽🎬
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