Vlad Tepes, more commonly known to western civilisation as “Vlad the Impaler”, was a well endowed prince who during his bloody reign, employed euphemisms and toilet humour to ensure that his authority was well respected.
These tortures, along with obligatory impalement, included the violent bludgeoning of thieves with his monstrous appendage and frightening the townsfolk with phallic horror stories of “The Beast of Transylvania”.
It is also well known that acclaimed director, William Clain, found inspiration in the bloodthirsty folklore of Vlad the Impaler and would eventually go on to create memorable blaxploitation classics - ‘Blacula’ and ‘Scream, Blacula, Scream‘ respectively.
But what about the private sex life of the Wallachian prince? Until recent times, we could really only speculate upon his personal exploits. This is because The Papacy has kept the intimate encounters of Vlad Tepes a closely guarded secret. Eye witness accounts and testimonials by those who claim to have slept with the prince have always remained shrouded in secrecy, deep within the archives of The Vatican.
That is, until now.
Using anti-government software such as Limewire and BitLord, we have managed to gain access to some of these top-secret files. Most of these accounts were illegible but we did manage to recover information pertaining to two people who claim to have known Vlad Tepes very intimately.
This account details the life of Velika, a working girl of Wallachia. While she slept with men for monetary gain, things were different behind closed doors as she lived her life a lesbian slave to her hunchbacked mistress, Camelia. Both Camelia and Velika claimed to have encountered Vlad Tepes as detailed in Camelia’s private journal from 1458:
“On the eve of December 6th, he broke down the door to our home. It is no secret that women who loved other women were persecuted for their desires yet the prince took special interest in us both. He claimed that if we were to ride his staff of power, he could transform us into women who loved men. Yet if we refused, he would spare no mercy on our souls.
I went first, easing myself slowly onto his shaft, Velika watching in awe. His size was unlike that of any human man, the girth tearing at my womb and as I bled, he screamed into the heavens. Velika and I took turns in riding him and we felt vertiginous, yet ecstatic from his sex.
When it came to be that he arrived at the brink of orgasm, he instructed us to kneel before him. We both took this monster into our mouths where his liquid came forth and drowned us both. Yet when we awoke, he was gone and we were changed.”