So #MeToo has been quite successful in raising awareness of rape culture. Our feeds have been saturated with stories by women about their sexual harassment and assaults, along with headline after headline of celebrity women coming forward to put Harvey Weinstein on full blast for being a skeevy, criminal, serial misogynist. The story isn't losing steam, either.
Good.
But where are the men? ask many of these women. Where are their voices, where is their outrage, where were their efforts to stop this?
Notice we aren't asking, where are the men? Surely they have been harassed and assaulted, too? Because we know you have.
I need the men in my life, the men who read my words, the men who would criticize #MeToo for not including them, to understand something about #MeToo: It's not for you.
Let me be perfectly clear. I'm not into exclusion. I do not wish to minimize or dismiss your trauma. I'm not suggesting only men commit sex crimes.
I'm not into exclusion because I am part of a frequently excluded demographic. Straight white men, you are not.
I'm not minimizing or dismissing your trauma because my own trauma, and the trauma of so many who identify as women, has been minimized and dismissed and yeah, it sucks. Straight white men, you have largely been the ones doing this minimizing and dismissing, either directly (by your words and actions to us), indirectly (by standing by and allowing people like us to be minimized and dismissed), or by association (you are part of the dominant, in-power group that runs the world).
I'm not suggesting only men commit sex crimes because I know that isn't true. Straight white men, do you know that most of us don't lie, exaggerate, or fabricate our #MeToo stories? Do you know how many of you think we do? Do you know how many of us will be harassed, coerced, drugged, groped, fondled, cornered, kissed, felt, or penetrated against our will? Do you know how many of us will be raped? If your brain isn't throwing up numbers right now, numbers you've read and remember and can cite in response to these questions, then I would ask you to focus more on what YOU don't know than what you think I don't know.
And if you do know, I wish you would use your voice to say "I won't, and I won't let my male friends, co-workers, relatives, neighbors, or acquaintences, either." I wish you would say those things instead of #MeToo.
#MeToo is a nonviolent, grassroots response to the Harvey Weinstein allegations of sexual harassment and assault. Weinstein hurt women. Weinstein took advantage of his power to objectify and abuse women. #MeToo is about that culture of male entitlement that treats women as commodities. #MeToo is about hatred and mistreatment of the feminine, whether it's cis women or any person who identifies as female, non-binary, trans, and so on. It's even about gay men, or men who are perceived to be gay, and a culture that views them as feminine so it can further marginalize them.
Oh, and a woman of color started #MeToo 11 years ago.
Tarana Burke, currently the director of Girls for Gender Equity in Brooklyn (mission: to empower young women of color), says of starting #MeToo:
"On one side, it's a bold declarative statement that 'I'm not ashamed' and 'I'm not alone.' On the other side, it's a statement from survivor to survivor that says 'I see you, I hear you, I understand you and I'm here for you or I get it.'"
So, men, when you jump in with #MeToo, are you saying to survivors, "I see you, I hear you, I understand you, and I'm here for you"? Or are you really saying, "hey don't forget about me! I've had it rough, too! Don't exclude me!" In what spirit are you "joining the conversation"? I'm asking you to ask yourself.
Sit down and think about it for a while.
Because joining a conversation is one thing. But joining it to criticize how survivors survive, to shout down those who are working for change just to say "don't forget about me!" when you are part of the ruling class, the dominant demographic out of which erupts rape culture and systemic misogyny, is...well, it's pretty gross. Your privilege is showing. And you're silencing the very people you're proclaiming to want to help and protect by insisting upon your right to this space that we've opened up for ourselves.
Straight white men, you are pretty much never excluded from spaces. If you are critiquing #MeToo for not being more inclusive, I hope you mean that you are talking to your friends and neighbors about the unfathomable frequency of sexual assaults on members of the non-binary and trans communities, rather than trying to hold the door open for more straight white men.
Straight white men, we are attempting, with #MeToo, to demonstrate the almost indemonstrable scope and reach of systemic sexism. Your trauma, while real and devastating, is not entirely part of that scope.
Straight white men, if you were abused, molested, harassed, or sexually mistreated, I am deeply sorry for what you've endured. Your trauma matters; your telling of your trauma matters. Your silencing is real, too. I don't deny the stigma that surrounds the rape of men. Fighting that stigma, making it "ok" for men to speak up and out about their assaults, is important. I urge you to find ways to do so that don't silence others.
But I need you to understand how done so many women are (waving wildly at you!) with being asked to put men's needs and traumas before their own, or even, in this case, alongside their own. I need you to dig deep and try to see us, hear us, feel us, and get it. If you're going to #MeToo, please make sure you are listening as much as, if not more than, you're speaking. If you're going to #MeToo, or critique #MeToo, please remember that the others who are using this hashtag are human beings speaking, perhaps for the very first time, their narratives of immense pain. I need you to know that if you can't do that, then you're part of the misogyny problem.
Weinstein, and yeah, #youtoo.
Can you do that, the listening and empathizing? Not sure how?
I might be coming off super jaded and anti-male here, but I think I'm not the only woman who would fall over sideways if a straight white male asked, "Hey, I read your post. What can I do to help you and this movement?"
After I picked myself up off the floor, I'd smile and say, Thank you! Listen more.
If you've read this far, thanks for listening.
Thank you for this post! Just like white people can be discriminated against, white, straight men can be harassed and assaulted. And just like white people, straight white men need to understand (and not condescend by calling us ladies, or the fairer sex etc.) that rape culture is a systematic problem that favors them. Yes, straight, white men may be harassed or assaulted, and yes, that is awful, but guess what. Everyone believes you. No one (in the position of oppressor) believes us.
So glad you pointed out benefit of the doubt. Men will get it, women won't. That's (one part of) rape culture.
While I've had the unfortunate experience of being on the receiving end, my response to the #MeToo posts was, verbatim, as such:
"The "me too" posts got me fucked up. Not because there are so many, but because the sheer number is somehow unsurprising (making it even more disgusting). Those that know me well know that my brain is often in "perpetual perversion" mode (which isn't me trying to make an excuse by any means), though I have never forced myself upon anyone or, hopefully, ever made anyone feel uncomfortable being alone in my presence (that I know of).
If, however, you happen to fall into this latter category because of something I did or said in the past, then I am sincerely sorry. Please feel free to put me in my place. I have nothing but love, admiration, and respect for women; that I feel the need to apologize in this moment tells me I may have overstepped my bounds at some point in the past; that I have been a part of the problem rather than a part of the solution. And while this won't fix the past, I hope you accept this mea culpa."
i had hoped to see more men respond to the posts with what you're speaking about - support and questions - and was seriously disappointed by how few actually did.
Thank you very much for this comment. <3
Thank you for this. As a woman of color, I am often frustrated by the lack of space with dedicated spaces for women. I experience the same thing on a larger scale with spaces for women where men respond with feelings of not being heard rather than taking the time to listen. Posts like this truly help to relocate the focus, or point it out to those who missed it entirely. Maybe we'll get some I'm sorry or today I learned posts from men who placed themselves into this movement for women?
We should be able to focus on doing the actual work of helping survivors, and of surviving, not defending how we are surviving against people who say they want to help us but would put their bodies and voices over ours. Ugh.
Okay - just to put another thought in your works there.
I'm a straight white male and yes, one of those guys that shared the #metoo tag. I didn't share it for myself though, I've well worked past my own trauma and I'm far beyond going 'what about me'
I guess I'm in a unique position in the sense that I have a good idea of how many women a raped, abused, assaulted, groped, etc - and I also know that the statistics are a fraction of what is reported.
I saw the #metoo campaign as a way to get us talking, to share our stories, to bond in our grief - men and women.
I don't like exclusion because it doesn't empower people, it isolates them. When you say 'this is about women' then you isolate the men that could have got something off their chest, you effectively get a bastardized view of a problem.
I dunno - I'm also open to critique! I'm not solid on this stance because I have a good idea of the sheer amount of women that are degraded on a daily basis - I'm also not looking to be anti-women, I'm all about empowering humans! :)
I appreciate my friends jumping in to to help me respond to my other friend's comments, who I know has good intentions. Here's my problem with intentions, though: I don't always know they're good. I know a bit about you, Raymond, so I know how hard you try. I'm going to respond here respectfully and honestly.
First, I don't think the #MeToo campaign was about getting all of us talking, at least not to get all of us using the hashtag (men talking should happen outside of that realm, in response to it, with compassion and a pledge to do more to help prevent rape and abuse?). I think the #MeToo campaign is about showing people, through sheer numbers, the scope of a systemic sexism epidemic. Straight white men are not victims of systemic sexism. Women and gender-fluid and non-binary and women-presenting/women-identifying people and gay people and trans people are. It's worth pointing out, I think, that I could not immediately reply last night because I was busy single-mothering, which is a direct result of my experience with domestic violence and sexual coercion with the implicit threat of physical harm if I refused. This is just one of many ways that systemic misogyny has DIRECTLY affected me. That's how I can say #MeToo.
Second, I profoundly disagree with "exclusion doesn't empower people, it isolates them." It sounds nice. It sounds inclusive. But you don't get to decide what empowers someone else. Not having to share misogyny survival space with men is EXTREMELY EMPOWERING for me, and I know I'm not alone. My post was very clear about my empathy for ALL survivors of abuse and assault, regardless of gender identity, and for the un-silencing and destigmatizing of that trauma for ALL. #MeToo just doesn't happen to be about straight white male survival. Straight white males have the rest of the space, all the other existing spaces, in which to figure out how best to create and voice their survival narratives. I can't possibly isolate men, no matter what I do. To suggest that wanting a space free of straight white males in which to voice my own survival narrative is excluding them is to center men. That men are central IS systemic sexism.
Third, yeah, "bastardized" is not the word. It suggests that a space free of men is inferior, less than, undesirable. I can see how men might feel that way, but again, lots of women disagree. Lots.
Thanks for being open to hearing this and for asking how you can help the cause. Read women. Listen to women. Promote the narratives of women. Talk to other men, but in a way that says, "here, listen to this woman speak," not in a way that suggests you have learned everything and are instructing men. For example, I have not learned everything about intersectionality with regard to race. When I speak or write on these topics, I have often fallen into the trap of trying to instruct other white people about how bad white people suck sometimes and how we can be better. I find what's more effective, in terms of relating to other white people and getting them to listen to what I have to say, is showing my weakness. Rather than antagonize them, I try to say "hey, white people, I'm trying too, and we're gonna screw up, and here's how I've screwed up and am trying to do better, what about you?" I think you have a platform, Raymond, and you could reach men by being honest about your journey of trying (and failing!). Making it ok to screw up and showing how to recover with grace and empathy is what the world needs in order to talk about and heal from systemic oppression of all forms. Doing that in a comment thread is one thing (still appreciated), but doing it on your platform means you are putting something on the line for us. That's being an ally.
Yeah. You are right! Like you, I try (and fail lots) with intersectionality (I love that word) and gender and fall into the trap of trying to teach other people how to be better when in fact I should be exposing my vulnerability - I will try and venture down that route over the next few months!
But white men, As the dominant force in our society, aren’t ever excluded from anywhere. It’s ok for a space not to be for you. I know that feels weird because you aren’t used to spaces being off limits for you,but that is the point. You not being included in a specific space, in the instance the #metoo space, is how women, particularly women of color, feel everywhere. Also, bastardized is particularly offensive.
Okay, apologise for the wording, I like using that word, I actually didn't realise that it was offensive.
I just don't like seeing the world burn - it is particularly hard for me to watch men and women, who I love equally, on different sides of the fence. Don't we stand better united? Isn't it better when we work together?
Maybe I'm just naive!
Okay, actually - @shawnamawna has explained everything perfectly to me in private. I retract my statements and you'll hear no more from me on this - just know that I'm listening - and, how do I help the cause?
Grateful for @shawnaMawna And her giving heart, but women of color shouldn’t have to do this emotional labor for you. Next time, maybe take a minute, google and research for yourself and contemplate whether the movement needs your input on this or if there are other ways to help, even if they don’t get you attention or pats on the back.
She's my friend - I know she knows way more on this than I ever will. I can't ask my friend?
@raymondspeaks, You and I have a different situation since you have been invited by me to ask me questions. If it is a burden to answer, I will tell you. However,@teneiced is right in saying the burden shouldn't fall on the less privileged to explain to the privileged (and everything else she said). So, and I think you know this, unless you have been invited, you need to take the first investigative steps on your own.
I think it would be amazing to look at @bucho's comment above for a way to be supportive in the #metoo conversation as a cishet white male.
I'm only just learning about this stuff. I'm sorry. Thank you for this opportunity to grow. I'll keep learning, and trying! - Resteeming for support!
Here's my problem with this; if someone is truly hurting right now, regardless of their race, gender or sexual orientation, and they've been inspired to tell their story that they've hidden because of the #metoo tag, why should anyone discourage them from telling their story? If you silence them now they may feel too afraid to speak up ever again.
The fact is there is no tag or movement that speaks out for men on this scale. The more honest Men's Right Activists have tried and failed to bring awareness; partly because the group as a whole is filled with self-obsessed misogynists but also because whenever a man tries to share his very serious experience they are shot down as invading a space set up for women.
The criticisms of the tag absolutely need to go out the door, but so do the criticisms of the "misuse" of the tag by straight white men who are legitimate victims. It's an attack on a victim, just as much as women who's experiences have been minimized.
I do hear what you're saying, and I at least like to think I understand where you're coming from. I certainly agree that if someone is coming from a place of "hey don't forget about me! I've had it rough, too! Don't exclude me!" they need to really stop and reconsider their motivations. But that truly isn't every straight white man who uses that tag. I don't think it's shocking for me to say that a lot of men are taught, and believe, that they need to hide and stuff their emotions. If the #metoo tag helps one of them come to terms with the terrible things that have happened to them then maybe they should be allowed the voice they suddenly feel comfortable using.
Personally, I am listening. I've been listening for a long time and somewhat understand the scope of the problem. I know almost every woman will, at the very least, deal with sexual harassment if not assault in their lifetime. Without double checking, I believe 1 in 5 women deal with rape. A number that could be tragically underreported. I recognize I'll never truly comprehend the issue because I don't live it. I see it, I shout it down and support those that will accept my support, but I don't live it.
Yes, there are absolutely aspects of #metoo that are irrelevant to almost every straight man, but I think it's important to support all victims in any way we can even if they don't perfectly belong.
For context, I checked this tag after writing up an article about my own experiences with sexual assault; not in the vein of "I have problems too" because I don't; most of it hasn't bothered me, but I recognize that there are those that it would have in my place.
I did read your post, and I would love to know if there's more that I can do beyond offering support, listening and trying to correct those around me if they say or do something that would be harassment or assault.
Particularly, as I'm a bit lost on the best way to handle it, should I report serious offenses to the police when a victim refuses to do so? Both reporting and staying silent seem so wrong that it's hard to navigate. I'm not in that position, but I might be one day and I'd appreciate your opinion on the matter.
Hey - what a thoughtful response.
If you check out what they said to me upwards, they have a really good point. I thought about it for a good few days afterwards. We really shouldn't be asking them what to do when they are the victims. It should be up to us (the men that despise the current status quo) to make a change. They've been shouting loudly about it for years, and, again, nothing. You, me, we stay silent on it.
When women say - hey dudes, listen to me, I've been abused - you can't just then turn around and ask the victim how to solve a problem. You, me, should be aiming our sights at other men. Men that know it's wrong, men that hate this shit. We need to stand up united and stop this shit from within. And I'm not saying through violence, I'm saying through thoughtful discussion and education
I am currently starting a movement on my magazine - for men to stand up and be heard - once it's cleared for being publshed. If you're up for it, then I'll paste you the link when it's live.
Very true; though I'd say the most important thing right now is to help guide our society's children. Perhaps I'm pessimistic, but the likes of Weinstein, and several degrees less severe, I don't think can be reformed. They grew up learning certain things that are just part of who they are. As such, we need to take on the problem at it's source.
For me, I have a niece/nephew who's struggling with their identity. I try to be as supportive as I can and help instil confidence whenever I can. When I interact with kids in the wild I try to instil the same good values; confidence and respect for the other humans on this planet. If we can reach enough youth we might be able to eventually call this a dark spot in human history where "open secrets" and casual aggressions were the norm.
Still, there's still a big problem of casual assult. I look back on my life and realize the things that I've done without really considering the actual effects of my actions. I know there are things I would have done differently knowing what I know now, so of course adult outreach is still important for those that can be reached.
It's great that you have a method of getting those stories out. I'd absolutely appreciate a link when it's available. Thanks for your good work :)
"...if someone is truly hurting right now, regardless of their race, gender or sexual orientation, and they've been inspired to tell their story that they've hidden because of the #metoo tag, why should anyone discourage them from telling their story? If you silence them now they may feel too afraid to speak up ever again." I agree that #MeToo facilitated un-silencing outside of just women or women-identifying people. I just don't necessarily agree that #MeToo should be the platform for that un-silencing because #MeToo was born of the response to Weinstein's abuse of power and the part he plays in systemic misogyny. You're right that there is no existing platform for men to share, but that doesn't mean someone couldn't start one... Yes, if #MeToo helps someone who wouldn't otherwise have been helped, that's great, but using the hashtag isn't the only way someone could be helped, is it? I wanted, as a survivor myself, the men using the hashtag to acknowledge that women--specifically, a woman of color--did the work of creating this space. To acknowledge, in their own sharing and un-silencing, what women endure, and the work that we do to help others. Again, my personal wishlist is mine alone, and I don't wish to silence any survivors. I appreciate your comment and that you are listening. As for reporting offenses to the police when a victim refuses to do so, I would say no. A victim who chooses not to go to the police has reasons that are probably invisible to you or anyone else. Support victims, reach out to victims, ask what you can do to help just as you asked me. But taking agency and choice from someone else, even if it comes from a place of wanting to help and protect that person, is dis-empowering and could in fact put the victim in more danger. Thanks for a thoughtful question, and again, for your support of abuse/assault victims and survivors.
"I wanted, as a survivor myself, the men using the hashtag to acknowledge that women--specifically, a woman of color--did the work of creating this space." This truly is important. Understanding the origins and what they mean is necessary, and thank you for helping point me in the right direction of those origins.
I will say, after looking into the hashtag my article was not at all appropriate to include. I'm glad I had the wherewithal to actually look into it deeper before posting; I can't say I always do. Any such article that is in support, but not meant to be personally cathartic, I think is a clear example of the misuse of the hashtag. It's really only the stories of individuals I'd suggest require some leniency. Not that they're entirely appropriate as a part of #MeToo , but that may feel the safest as there isn't really any public Weinstein event for male sexual assault victims. Certainly a separate space would be better though.
Thank you for your take on the reporting issue. It matches how I've felt since I became conscious of this problem, but there's certainly that nagging feeling of "could I/they have done more?".
Thank you so much for the response. I'm certainly still learning as I go, unfortunately there's a lot to keep up with, and I promise I will continue to listen.
Thanks for listening and commenting thoughtfully. Following! :)