Now that the New Year is upon us, many of you will be making resolutions. It's common knowledge that most people fail at keeping their New Year resolutions, so what's an alternative to making resolutions?
First let's look at the main problem. New Year resolutions are the same as false hope syndrome and cultural procrastination. So why do people fail every year with their New Year's resolutions?
According to psychologists:
Peter Herman and his colleagues have identified what they call the "false hope syndrome," which means their resolution is significantly unrealistic and out of alignment with their internal view of themselves. This principle reflects that of making positive affirmations. When you make positive affirmations about yourself that you don't really believe, the positive affirmations not only don't work, they can be damaging to your self-worth.
The other aspect of failed resolutions lies in the cause and effect relationship. You may think that if you lose weight, or reduce your debts, or exercise more, your entire life will change, and when it doesn't, you may get discouraged and then you revert back to old behaviors.
Making resolutions revolve around changing behaviors. And changing behaviors means that your thinking will have to change. This involves making new neural pathways which can be quite difficult. Stopping a behavior rarely works. Instead, you have to create a new enjoyable neural pathway which changes the way your thinking works. This is the truly difficult challenge that causes most people to fail at keeping their New Year's resolutions.
So, try themes instead.
I gave up making New Year's resolutions many years ago. I've been using the idea of themes to change my life in radical ways for years. I got the idea from James Altucher. The reason that themes work for me is because it allows me to take many different paths, just like a roller coaster path, towards some amorphous, big area that needs constant improvement. By making it non-specific, I feel success instead of failure, if I work on one of my themes throughout the year.
So, here's an example from my own life to illustrate how themes work: I was a heavy drinker and definitely addicted to cigarettes for most of my adult life. I was sure I would probably die from one of these habits. But I never set goals to overcome these bad habits. I used themes.
The reason that goals don't work for me is that they are too specific and don't encompass the process of unraveling the core driver of the habit I want to change.
Setting goals for me is like setting up a failure timeline. I need space and room to understand my own issues, so setting a goal doesn't help me change. Life is chaotic, non-linear and much more like the way a river flows: haphazardly, wherever water can best go. Mainstream thought says you have to set goals to achieve them. Goals don't really work for me even though I've managed to overcome some really bad habits in my life.
I quit smoking and drinking a few years ago and I never set a goal to achieve those two behavior changes.
Instead, I used themes, but I never said "quitting smoking is my theme". The theme I focused on was "understanding my smoking and feelings of unhappiness".
I knew I had to change my neural pathways when I felt anxiety. I smoked when I felt anxious and I took this anxiety out on my lungs, in the form of smoking. I identified the main source of my anxiety: a job I hated and that wasn't a good fit for my personality. So then I quit that job after I had secured a different one.
Quitting my bad job got rid of my anxiety, which caused me to quit smoking.
So, do you see if I had just focused on "quitting smoking" I would have ended up in failure? The central, deeper problem that I was trying to fix with cigarettes was the fact that my job (selling cars) was not aligned with my core beliefs and was causing me massive suffering. Once I came to understand how not aligning myself with my core beliefs was damaging myself, I was able to make a change. And this job change led to me not needing to smoke anymore. Using themes allowed me to make bigger changes that I hadn't even fully understood.
Also, I began writing and creating art around the same time that I quit drinking. I began to do enjoyable things more and more, which took the place of drinking and smoking. It's not easy though. I allowed myself to mess up and I occasionally smoked even after I quit. I never got mad at myself for messing up. This is a normal part of rewiring neural pathways. But today, I don't smoke at all. I've changed the circuits in my brain and when I feel anxiety, I don't turn to cigarettes to seek relief. Now, I am just sort of stuck with my feelings, but at least I won't be killing myself with smoking and drinking anymore.
But I'm not a perfect, happy person.
One of my themes for 2017 is working on understanding my fear of commitment. Another theme for me is understanding what things create happiness and despair.
What are your themes for 2017?
If you're on Twitter, you can follow me: @stellabelle
I also have a YouTube channel, so if you're into watching somewhat odd videos, have a look. If you're on Linkedin, guess what, I'm there too, maybe you have a good idea we could implement?
My book, Un-Crap Your Life: Navigating Life's Crappiest Situations is available in ebook or paperback on Amazon.
I also co-authored the official Steemit 101 ebook that is available on Amazon for 99 cents.
Happy New Year Steemians!
I have never been a heavy drinker: I could not be, as I am drunk after two beers. I think I am lucky in this domain.
I have quit smoking for the last time on April fool's day 1978, at the age of 29.
I don't remember having ever decided on New Year's resolution.
BUT, I know I have often been what I called a "mythomaniac procrastinator". These days, I am less and less mythomaniac.
what's 'mythomaniac'?
wiktionary.org:
mythomaniac: Someone who suffers from mythomania.
mythomania: A compulsion to tell lies and exaggerate the truth.
i see. you could always write stories then?
Absolutely! ;-)
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Nice ideas. Happy you quit smoking. I smoked in my twenties and tried to quit many times. I only was able to quit cold turkey the day my father passed away. Such a hard thing to overcome. Congrats for choosing to be healthy physically and mentally by leaving your job. Be well!
Happy new year to you @stellabelle
thanks! You as well! So, you're still smoking then? no judgment, just curious...
My theme is to be a better person.
And...
A Very Happy New Year to you.
that's a good one and it encompasses a lot of different things. Thank you! Happy new year to you also.
you're welcome and Thank You too.
Congrats for quieting Leah Stephens :)
Happy mew year
Thank you, same to you too!
Very sensible stuff, I really like your approach here. In general I enjoy your writing, I hope 2017 is a good year for you! 🌈
Thanks for your compliments on my writing. Happy new year to you as well.
The psychological aspect is very true. It's an easier bypass to overwrite, than rewrite, is an analogy I could use. To do something else instead, than to stop doing it. But this just means i's easier, as a way to put something else in it's. Not doing that, and just removing what you don't want, is possible. It just takes more effort and dedication, but I have done it.
Also, a resolution can be done any day of the year, just letting everyone know if we want to change, we don't need to wait for some day or the other, we're the will that decides what we do, not some day of the year. It's all about our power over ourselves, self-control, self-mastery, self-governance, and having the higher will power to stop the subconscious/unconsciousness conditioning to remain in place. Good luck everyone!
just curious, what thing did you stop without replacement? I've never been able to do that...
Well for instance, I only drink water now. No sugar drinks or anything like that. So is drinking water only, really a "replacement"? I reduced and stopped doing others things, and had to drink water... cause... you have to.... LOL. But I didn't replace one type of drink for another. I also stopped smoking, and didn't replace with a habit, just decided to stop with will power. It's a higher vs. lower consciousness dichotomy. We either don't engage in our higher consciousness power to override conditioning, or we do engage in that power and change our lives!
Themes...if this worked for you, maybe it will work as well to some of us so there's still a chance.
there's always a chance. The one thing I didn't cover though was desire to change. That's a huge part of this thing.
Will either desire or determination have the same weight to change or both?
i think desire.
Hmmm that's something to ponder.
I will have to check myself on this ;)
Yes if you fail once at a resolution you give up. If you fail once at a theme, you didn't fail, so you want to keep doing your best.
I have a resolution. Two actually. But I may now turn them into themes. I think you hit the nail on the head.
This was very helpful to me. I am sure to many others as well.
Check out my post on how we can work together to make a better Steemit filled world in 2017 HERE It is worth taking a look at to see if you or anybody else are interested in working together on implementing the suggestions.
Yeah, I agree with many points in that post. I for one need a Private messaging function.
Yes you could get your voice heard by one of the creators if nobody has tried that yet. I am going to have my eyes open for any material on this topic from the creators.
Great words of advice. I've rejected resolutions a long time ago as well, though admittedly not as cerebral behind the reasoning. I knew they didn't work but never thought of them as paths for failure.
I had started smoking after quitting for 20 years. I realized my addiction (this time around) came from stress with dealing with my adult Aspie child and from boredom and lack of inspiration. Once I started "art-ing" and going outside to have distance from my son (without being totally distant), I was able to quit. I still crave a smoke now and again, but my mindset is right about it.
What is my theme for 2017? Hm... This is a tough question because I certainly have goals. Save $. Buy land. Literally build our home. How do we accomplish this? I need to have a steady income. That means pursuing work outside of the home because freelancing hasn't been consistent enough. That kind of sucks but if I want what I want, I have to do what I must do.
Happy New Year! I just followed you on Twitter
all i can say is good post
thank you!
I wrote a brief post inspired by your post, StellaBelle. My theme for 2017 is the "Year of Living." I've played it safe and quiet for the past two years but today and every day I plan to get out more, experience more, extend myself more, and LIVE more! Thanks for the inspiration and I hope you have a wonderful year!
glad to hear it. We all have work to do for sure. I need to live more too.....thanks for the reminder.
yes, I read it. Good work! Thanks for your comments and Happy New Year!