When my Son was 10 years old, anything I would tell him, he would listen to me, agree with me and I was always right. Then when he was 20, if I would tell him anything there would be some counter arguments and I was mostly right and not all the time right. Now he is 29, and if I tell him anything most of the time, I am wrong according to him.
There was a phase when we would have lot of arguments. He always had his point which he thought was right, and I would feel that I am giving him the best advice from my side. The fact is that no matter how much ever bonding is there, the generation gap is always there and with that difference of opinion is surely going to come up. He finds my advice old school, which to an extent is right also, because I know world is changing and with that advices also need to change, what was practical 20 years back may not be practical now.
Some times our conversations will become a debate, about his work, money, relationship, travel anything. I am also at fault because I have cared for him as a child for so many years and then it is difficult to withdraw when he becomes an adult. There are small things like, when we are travelling together, I keep giving instructions on packing and all, and he will get annoyed after a point. He tells me, he travels without me also and it is all fine, so I should stop giving instructions to him, which is 100% right.
From my point of view, I am not trying to control him; I am only trying to protect him. Then I recall my time of 20s and 30s, and I realize how rebellious even I was and I never liked anyone giving me instructions. I would get annoyed when anyone would do that and tell them to stop. At that age we want to be carefree, we like to take risks, we want to do experiments with life, we are not scared of failing. But as we age up, we look for more security and stability. When I am telling him right now anything, it's from a perspective of security and stability but his age is at a point where the whole world is in front of him to explore.
I realized that I was still trying parenting 10 years old, who is now 29. I have made some rules for myself, I will not try to win an argument with him, I will give him the respect that he desires. If he will ask for advice, which he does very often, I will give it to him with an open mind that he can accept or reject. I will support him at every step and stop auditing him. Winning an argument with a grown-up child may feel good, but in the bargain, it is possible that they will start distancing from you. I would prefer to lose and have him around.
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Once a child grows up, they cannot be controlled like a small child, as they are capable of distinguishing between right and wrong; when my mother offers advice, I accept it just to keep her happy.
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Children do grow up and begin to not respect our advice and opinions nearly as much as they used too. It is always our instinct to keep them safe, and for good reason. In my twenties I lived in South America and Puerto Rico off on my own away from my parents in the US. I was fortunate enough to have a kind lady in Puerto Rico who became a surrogate mom, and would give me advice that actually helped me do better in life and stay safe. It's a shame our kids don't listen forever, but today they get so much garbage from social media and they believe it. It's kind of scary...
It sounds like you have done a wonderful job as a mother, when your son has kids he will realize it and thank you. It's sad that it takes that change in their lives for that to happen, but I think it's how the world has always worked... loo
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