We've all been there I'm sure. As a matter of fact, I'm willing to say that anyone 30+ has had at least a few experiences. Personally, when I was younger I had the mutant power of always find the most toxic people to fall for.
Nobody wants to accept
The truth is that none of us like accepting our responsibility, most of the time. This is not to say that the abuser is not at fault, because of course he/she is, but more so the fact that we allow plenty of things to get out of control before the abuse itself starts.
When my first marriage failed, I did feel shocked, broken, hopeless, etc. All the negativity of the world had attached itself to me, and everything and everyone sucked. It took me years to actually begin to see things for what they were.
I made a lot of mistakes, and I did so early on. The red flags always existed, and I chose not to see them, only because I didn't want to give up on the idea that I was important to someone, that someone needed me and loved me. But that is precisely the problem, it's an idea, not necessarily a fact.
So Why do we fall for it?
It's impossible for someone to write out a specific mechanism here, a list, if you will, of reasons why we end up loving the "wrong" person. Simply put, there are thousands of reasons to make the same mistake, and thus it's not truly productive to list them all.
What I will say is this. We may not have clarity in what we want in a person. At least, growing up, that was something that morphed constantly. I thought I wanted a romantic girl, a tough farm chick, a gentle personality and all sorts of incompatible things at some point in time.
But, and this is key to my little rant here. We all have absolute clarity in what we don't want, and that is the best of beginnings. At some point in time, we create a list of deal breakers, if you will, and for some reason or another, we begin to ignore them, when they become an impediment to our curiosity.
I came up with a mantra
Many years after being single, and after plenty of art had poured out of my soul to help me heal.
"I'm way too old to lose my time, and way too young to be bitter"
I repeated this to myself often. Every time I would meet a girl that would interest me, I would ask myself If it was a waste of time. If we shared goals, morals, ideals, etc, and thus I stayed single for 5 years.
Why this rant, all of the sudden?
Since social media keeps us somewhat informed of what our friends are up to, I found out a good friend of mine just got divorced, and I began to remember my younger self.
Here I am wishing I could somehow download internalized knowledge, solidified comfort into a usb drive or something, and give it to her; As ridiculous as that sounds.
but in the end, it doesn't matter what I say, or what I write. These experiences seem to be unavoidable for us, mere humans, and for most of us they become our most defining moments.
LOL All too relatable.
I did see them, and found a variety of excuses to ignore them, or pretend they weren't red flags at all, or etc. I desired a relationship the red flags indicated could not exist, and pursued that relationship despite the red flags alerting me, not because I didn't see them.
We only succeed by failing up. We make mistakes, learn from them, and avoid them in the future, enabling us to succeed by learning from our failures.
Thanks!
I think eventually we all get this... but it can't be taught, you have to learn it yourself.
;)
Hey Meno! We had a chat on Discord a few years ago about this. You are right, most of the times we choose to ignore the red flags for various reasons, then regret later.
of course I remember... it's been how many years since?
time flies, right?
I'm glad you do 🙂
I think it was 2018. Time flies indeed.