Some times
I like to think Deep Thoughts
chew them up
suck them dry
feel them move across my skin and breathe them deep within this meat sack I think I am
Some times
the Deep Thoughts
cut so sharp brutal terrible wrenching horror
they
shake
the foundational parts of myself
I used to define who and what I am
what I thought was the essence of ME
terror grips me to the shattering, shifting, shapeless, nonexistent core
nothing but fear ripping through me
electrifying everything
pulsing chaos smashing All I Thought I Knew
the reaction so intense SEARING burning frightening PAIN
As this "ME" rips apart
a thousand arrows piercing flesh and I fight fight fight for Ego Self
blinded by my own eyes shut tight in miscalculated defense
Fighting against the Light coming through the cracks as it all feels like attack!
In desperation I grasp and scream for some Thing
ANY Thing
to calm the storm
return the peace - at any price -
please gods MERCY please
a deep breath
a reminder
For the love of fuck, CHOOSE the breath and reminder already!
deactivate the haywire circuits!
it is only a Thought
one I summoned (commanded?)
again
with a keystroke (intentional? or haphazard?)
one that activated a wicked viral program on my supercomputer Nintendo console again...
a Thought, a program, so Deep and horrifying that I found a new part of myself
...oh
...Ooooooh...
OH it's not just to terrorize, it's to find those new parts of the TRUE
I AM
OOOOOhhhh!!!!! 🤦🏽♀️
OH I hope I didn't cause too much damage in the real world with my fearing and flailing and screaming and crying...
Oh fuck I did ...again...
Holy fuck what will it take?
These are the very most VITQs - the Very ImporTant Questions - I must explore - because if they can shake me so severely to grip my entire being that I lose myself in spiritual chaos and destroy my material heaven on Earth - these are the places I must control for true mastery - this is the hell, the demons I must conquer -
These are dangerous games,
and it is growing boring to keep making the same panic moves
(why would you keep running into King Koopa, Mario?? That's not how to win)
but
It is all of my own creation
So on I go to
Free the Princess
THANK GOD I scored these extra lives!
✨💫💛💫✨ Sara!
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