Definition is so important. It is so important to define things or subjects accurately and recognize that because when we define things accurately, we'll start believing things actually.
Right believing equals right living - Joseph Prince
Before today's blog post, here are my earlier post on the "forgiveness" topic to put things into perspective and be on the same train of thoughts:
How to Handle Offense
Being the Bigger Man
And now on to today's post about "Handling Abuse"
........ first off.... DEFINITION!
What is Reconciliation?
Reconciliation by definition in the dictionary:
the restoration of friendly relations.
The Great Misunderstanding
When it comes to forgiveness, there is a common misunderstanding of what it means. Forgiveness doesn't mean reconciliation.
It doesn't mean that when you forgive someone for a particular action or whatever offended you or hurt you, that you have to be friends or close with that person again. Don't get me wrong. I love staying connected with people but what if that person doesn't wanna be connected with you anymore? You don't get a choice do you? (We'll come back to this thought later.)
Forgiveness is an inside job of 1 person which is yourself!
Only you can decide to forgive someone or hold the offense. Nobody can do this on your behalf.
Reconciliation on the other hand is an inside job of 2 people. Reconciliation takes humility of 2 people and 2 people choosing forgiveness. Of which takes a lot of work, time, love... in other words, commitment. If only 1 person decides to be committed to this and the other person doesn't, reconciliation is not gonna happen no matter how much you wish for it to happen.
Practical Guide to Handle Abuse and Hopefully Reconciliation
Here's a practical guide to handle abuse. If you're in an abusive relationship, here's how you can handle it. If you're afraid (I'll write on that soon as well), pray for courage and wisdom. You'll find that every single point in here is easier said than done. But take courage. Be assured that you can do it and if you choose not to just do it but BE a person like such, you're really a powerful and wholesome person!
So anyways...............
1. Say you're sorry... For what? I'm not so sure 😃
Sometimes I don't even know that I offended someone (because offense is subjective) but I just say I'm sorry first. I mean if you know you're not wrong or you didn't mean to hurt somebody then whats the harm of saying sorry?
When you say you're sorry, what you're actually saying is, "I value this relationship". The following steps will put things into better light and understanding. Let's move on.
2. Talk about the offense
Tell the person that as much as you might have said or done something to hurt the person, what that person did, hurt you as well. Let's ALL take responsibility for OUR OWN actions eh?
I did say sorry and I'll learn to handle my words and actions better coz I know it hurt you and now I'm asking you whether you would do likewise.
3a. Setting boundaries
Now after this, things could go 2 ways, one is the person refuses and says he/she did not do anything wrong and you feeling hurt is just your own feelings.
This person is discrediting your feelings and doesn't consider you of which you can kindly acknowledge that person's choice and then you know this is person is someone you do not want to be close with in the sense of the dictionary definition of "reconciliation", which is the restoration of friendly relations.
Set boundaries!
3b. The better scenario
The better scenario is that he/she says sorry as well. You make up and forgive each other and wa-la, reconciliation is automatically in effect.
HOWEVER!!!!!!!!
I must warn you that the above could happen again if both of you don't have a game plan. Talk about how the situation that caused this all to happen. If similar words or actions are gonna take place in a particular heated situation or disagreement or argument in the future, what should we do in order to not make things worse.
Now doesn't that sound mature?.... DAMN MATURE BABE!
Have a Game Plan!
4. What? There's a number 4????
Yes there is! Avoid number 1-3 and and any form of relationship and just be a miserable fart all the days of your life. Because if there is no relationship, there is no intimacy. And if there is no intimacy then there is no chance of getting hurt. See I can be "smart" as well.
IMMATURE MUCH!
Final Thoughts : If 3a happens
Well relationships that matter to you as much might not matter to another as much. The only way to find out is through time of which friction, disagreements, hardships, difficulty, the list goes on, takes place.
Is it painful to find out that you don't matter? Of course. But I wanna encourage you especially if you're currently in a situation like such or have been in a situation like such, you don't have to be defined by your pain. You don't have to be dictated by a bad relationship.
Your story may not have such a happy beginning but that does not make you who you are, it is the rest of it- who you choose to be - Soothsayer, KungFu Panda 2
What is important is that YOU did your part. YOU were responsible. YOU treasured relationship. YOU forgave. And for THAT, nobody can take that away from you. That will be in your history. That you are a forgiving person and that you treasure relationships.
Imagine 2 people in a relationship like that. BOOM!
Now imagine a whole community of people like that. A community of wholesome and powerful people!
BE THAT PERSON FIRST!
ALTERNATE ENDING
I wanted to end the blog at that last punchline but here's a little more thoughts to tie up the earlier part of my post which might have left you feeling a little on a limbo.....
While being empathetic, the thought I really wanna bring here is that an abusive person CAN change.
I wanna say that an abusive person is only abusive because he/she was probably abused as well. They have never experienced love or any affection from people close to them before.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that there aren't a--h---s around town. I'm saying that sometimes, if you stick around long enough, and continuously choose love, even that environment and relationship CAN change.
You'll be surprise at how some of the most loving and forgiving and kind people that are out there were once jerks.
Situations, relationship, environments, cultures, even nations will change if more choose to love. YOU CAN AFFECT CHANGE!
Love covers over a multitude of sins. - Simeon, 1st Letter of The Small Rock
There... now I'm done 😃 Have a good week Steemians!
Beautiful .. wonderful words and useful
It is enough that you intend reconciliation
Thanks for sharing your experience with us.
Good post!
Your writeup is good. I once made a research on powerful effect of reconciliation and forgiveness in human life. My own defination of reconciliation is an act by an individual to seek to restore a situation or an object back to its previous state. A decision to reconsile result when an individual discovers a wrong action taking or a wrong step towards another individual or process in actualizing a goal. From mine findings reconciliation is an endeavor, when the other party accept (forgives) and see a need(reason) to restore back to the previous state, it then becomes a successful reconcilation. If reconciliation fails, the individual that engage in the act at least satisfy his/her conscience.
I am new on steemit, I am still trying to get use to the platform. When I am used to steemit, I will be posting powerful post that will empower the human life.
Self awareness and humility is so important.
Welcome to Steemit. I’ll give ya a 100% upvote to give you some support to start. Have a good time exploring the blockchain 😊
Thank you. I am looking forward in contributing to steemit growth.
Thank you!! 💝
When I read quality posts like this, I am overjoyed. Thank you for this incredible article, it has blessed me. I see you are graced in this aspect of relationships, I would love to invite you to join me in my discord community where I help people to understand the true meaning of love and how they can live life successful when true love is their motivator. I would be so thrilled if you can sir @danielwong. Resteemed & followed . The link to join is https://discord.gg/EQC6gZ7
Thanks for the invite. Glad you’re blessed by it and I hope many more are.
Good work on this.
I think the only propper advice to anyone in an abusive relationship is to leave that relationship. As you said, thats easier said than done, but I don't think there's any benefit to maintaining a relationship that has already become toxic.
Not to say there isn't room for reconciliation (as you said) but I think it's important that we are able to identify the 'point of no return' so to speak when it comes to any form of dysfunction in our relationships. There comes a point where no amount of discussing will change things. The only thing that WILL change things is.. well, real change, from the couple within the relationship, from the abuser, or the abused.
More likely than not, the change will not come from the abuser, so it will be up to the abused to make a change for themselves, as hard as that may be to do.
In any case, you've earned my upvote and my follow! Would love for you to stop by my latest post if you feel so inclined. Can't wait to hear what you think if you choose to do so! : )
These kinda relationship abuses always needs situational advise. And in most cases I would encourage the person to put their foot down and state their boundaries. If that person doesn’t respect it then yes, leave.
Thanks for the upvote and follow. Will be checking your blog and post out later today 😊
Have a good week ahead!
Thank you, cant wait to hear your thoughts!
Wow steemitbloggers
Yes! In every situation, choose to love! Because love always win. :)
Excellent advices you have there bud!
Thanks man. Appreciate the comment :)
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Hi @danielwong, your post triggered one of my experience, where I see with my own eyes, a coach is hypnotizing a victim of abusive relationship. Due to privacy, I will not reveal names and details.
The girl was in an abusive relationship for 3 years. Her so-called "boyfriend" humiliated her to the point that she has lost all self-love and made her dependent on only him. He said "You're so ugly, no one will love you except me!" in a very angry, arrogant tone.
She manage to get out of the relationship eventually. However, in her case, how could have reconciliation happen?
Even after the hypnotherapy, the girl hated the guy so much to the point of wanting to kill him. Is forgiveness possible at this stage?
Since forgiveness is a choice, yes its possible, if the person so chooses to; alternatively if the person chooses to withhold forgiveness that's said person's choice.
However, choosing to forgive takes alot of energy and not everyone has that right off the bat.
Forgiveness of course possible. With her own effort? Probably not.
Forgiveness is an outward expression of an inward transformation. If she doesn’t get heal from within, she’ll never be able to forgive that person, and if so she’ll then somehow hurt someone in the future as well. Hurt people hurt people.
Thus why I stressed the point of how important forgiveness is. It is ultimately for your wellbeing.
Yes, it's an inward transformation and she'll definitely need help. Luckily her family condition is improving and I hope her family able to support her to forgive that guy. Thank you @danielwong for the wise guide.
Okay, so it depends on her choice and takes energy. I also think it takes time. She's just got off the relationship, so I think the memory is still fresh within her. Thank you @rayraymy for the good comment :)
Wonderful and practical advise, I must say. Thank you for sharing.
On a side note, I am also convinced at last, by a group of people to start writing here as they say my writings could inspire people. I'm still finding my footing here and hopefully, one day, I will be in a place where my writings could be the voice of those who are silenced too.
*When you say you're sorry, what you're actually saying is, "I value this relationship". * ~ True story.
Communication is the key element in any interpersonal relationship. Without it, there is nothing.
Something is better lucky ring danielwong