Taking Pride

in #pridewithsergio6 years ago

Life shatters all expectations.

I was a little girl once. I wore skirts and dresses with frills. I played with dolls and on the playground I would play hand games with the other girls. I still remember the rhythmic clapping of Miss Mary Mack as I straddled a bench under the playgrounds biggest tree. Life seemed as bright as the summer sun in Georgia. I was an exuberant and fiery little girl. Warm and open. I was what my mother expected; pure. Unadulterated by any outside sources. Then, inexplicably, I wasn’t anymore.

Life never fails to be that edgy kid in class that think he’s funny.

I was eleven or so; bright and curious. The evening seemed equally as bright. My mother was driving past the local YMCA downtown. On the radio, a man was criticizing a mother for letting her transgender daughter transition. I was instantly struck with unease, but I remained silent.

Maybe a month later, it happened again. Still eleven. I was watching Queer Eye for the Straight Guy (Oddly, a show my mother let me watch.) There was a transgender man on the episode. I wondered what “Gender Identity Disorder” was.

Again I feel like I’m a thirteen year old girl experimenting with her gender presentation. At the time, I was aware that I didn’t have to be a boy to dress boyishly, so that’s what I went with. I became enamored with crossdressing. I tried my hardest to become what I saw; Girls who easily were able to twist the perception of what it meant to be a man. I loved male clothing, specifically streetwear. Male clothing became all I wanted to wear. It made me feel confident, which was something I had never felt before.

“Maybe I’m just a butch lesbian.” It was a plausible conclusion. I knew what I was. I could look down and clearly see what the doctor identified me as. I liked women and I liked dressing as a male. So by that logic, I labeled myself a “butch lesbian.” But something felt off. I liked girls, sure but maybe I’m not a girl.

Dressing up for events suddenly became being forced into a box. I was constantly chastised for dressing like a male by my mother. The middle school dance was no different. I had to dress “nice”,not in a way that made me comfortable. The dress I decided to deal with, but not the bright pink nail polish. Sitting on the bed in her room, the cool liquid made me want to cry. Yet I was still uncertain why my mom painting my nails inspired such a feeling of disgust.

My breasts in a low-cut dress made me want to shove them back into my body. Yet I still wondered why I felt that way.

Now, it’s obvious. Back then? It wasn’t.

It went on from there. The world was evolving and I was finally old enough to comprehend it. People weren’t just boys or girls, they felt as if they were other. Maybe I was other. It fit. It felt right. Then, it was just an internet thing. People mocked it. People like me were just teenage tumblr users with nothing to do. “Genderfluid” was ridiculous, right? But it was how I felt. People could range from man, to woman, to agender. I figured out I was that. Agender. Neither boy or girl.

I was happy with how I identified myself. I had finally found peace.

Unfortunately, life just never stops, does it?

My mother didn’t accept me. It almost felt like hatred. I was no longer the kid she loved. It was painful.She rattled on for hours about how I had a mental illness. I’d never be a real man to her, and my genetics would prove it. The yelling lasted days, actually. Both my mother and estranged father telling me how changing myself was an insult to them. To them, I was just making a persona. Only my mother knew “who I really was.”

I just wanted her approval and not getting that shattered me.

I became impure and our relationship stopped there.My love for her spiraled into hatred and disgust. That’s the way it was and still is.

It wasn’t until June 3rd, 2018, that I found solace; My mother’s boyfriend. He’s a man that treated me with such kindness and understanding. For once in my life someone said who I was, was okay. Afterwards, I was treated no differently than anyone else. My coming out had gone successfully.

Maybe the world has stopped crashing down on me.

Pride month isn’t just flag waving. It’s a struggle. A time for the voices of the downtrodden to be heard. It’s a story and a goddamn good one.

I’m here now. Not a boy or a girl. Agender. Nonbinary and miraculous. (He/They.)

Authors note: Shout out to @ancapbarbie for getting the ball rolling.

Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

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This post was shared in the Curation Collective Discord community for curators, and upvoted and resteemed by the @c-squared community account after manual review.
BRAVO! for writing this! Not only do we know more about you, but your writing might help someone else who feels this way, too, by not feeling so alone. Hopefully, this was cathartic for you to write. Big hugs! 🤗

hugs It was just one of those days, so I decided to write. I hope it does some good.

I’m sorry for all you have been through in the process of becoming the person you were meant to be. It is always my hope that we (human beings) are learning and teaching tolerance and respect more and more over time, but it is obviously very hard for many people to allow others to be who they are without judgment.

I hope your mother’s boyfriend will have a positive influence on her, and that one day soon she will take the steps to start healing the relationship. She doesn’t have to completely understand you to accept you as you truly are.

Thanks, Jayna. Society has come a long way but some people lag behind. My mothers boyfriend is a good man but who knows if it'll rub off on her. I'll just be myself regardless.

I find that it's hard for people to let go if something, if they like it. Black and white thinking makes them comfortable.

I absolutely agree, and for the record I am super proud of you for working through all that and not allowing judgment, negativity, expectations, and black-and-white thinking to set your destiny.

This is possibly the bravest post I've seen. I'm so proud of you, honey. You know I love you, right? Hugs

Love you too, tiny.

Very brave of you, write this post. I congratulate your initiative, you must know that it is a topic, that you will always have people in favor and others against; but what matters is that this is good, keep fighting for what you consider the right thing to do.
For others to comment and criticize is an easy task, nobody puts in the shoes of the other, let alone ask about their feelings.
Even Pope Francis (although I do not know if you are a believer) manifested a boy; God loves you as you are.
Hopefully you get more people who understand and support you.

OMG THIS is why I was hoping you would post more. Out-fucking-standing!!!

Hi your post has been upvoted by vis4, the LGBT+ curation bot! Come and visit us on Discord

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Maybe it will sounds repetitive, but you are magic. The way you write, the way you talk about this is magic. It's hard be accepted by the surrounding people. But more than a flag or a month, this is about you and all the people that feel and love in a "different way". Is a fight everyday and i understand your point. Keep writing about this, keep believing. We are proud of you! Maybe Im just an user reading posts and reading magic and strength in your words.

It's much appreciated! Every user who sees something special in a peice is one to be cherished. The reader is just as important as the writer.

I love that I have people like you to support me.

Heyja! You've got a upvote and resteem from @PRP-LGBT, the Curation & Magazine Account for content like yours! Thank you for sharing this story, wow..! <3

hugs Wow. Quite a statement. So, uhm, what pronoun do you prefer be used towards you? I've always used he but if that isn't what you prefer, please let me know. And no, none of this changes anything about how I feel about you.

hugs I still use he, so it's fine. Thanks for asking. It's really wonderful how much support I've been getting. You all are wonderful people.

You are wonderful person. And a talented one. The people worth having in your life will love you for who you are and treasure your weirdness and quirks as part of the magic that makes you special.

This is very powerfully written - thanks so much for sharing it.

Dealing with the reactions of one's parents can be very hard. My mother is still having difficulty with various aspects of what makes me who I am - including gayness but cest la vie. They don't get to decide 😉

;) Sure don't. Just keep being you, fam. Thank you for reading it.

I know it had to be tough coming up. I was raised in a pretty conservative household, so a lot of what I do and who I am now is scrutinized. I'm called "snowflake" and "liberal" (I don't really like the word?) for standing by my fellow citizens, no matter who or how they are.
I'm so glad you found happiness in discovering your identity. <3

Hugs from TWB. We love you no matter what.

puedo decir que es una de las publicaciones de personas trans que mas me a impactado, lamento lo que has pasado, pero eres grande, eres valiente, eres grande, un abrazo. estoy seguro que llegaras lejos.

one of the bravest post I have read on here for a long while

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My heart is with you.

Choosing to share this sensitive personal information is an inspiration. I hope other's can take courage from your post.

I hope so too, man. Maybe it'll be easier for people like me in the future.

I couldn't upvote this post because I didn't get to it in time. I applaud you for the courage to become who you feel you are. Although I still have personal issues with the labeling (namely the pluralization of the Pronoun), I can understand the emotional dilemmas.

It's quite alright. I'm glad your support for me can outweigh your personal feelings. I'd gladly do the same for you.

I hope everything works itself out the way you want.