I often call myself film director on vacation. This is who I used to be when I first stopped to take a break with giving a birth to my first baby. Life in front of me seemed big and promising. Two next kids came one by one and it turned out that 7 years have passed by and I'm still having a rest. Then came a short comeback and another stop on the go.
My kids
It's very frustrating to know how women willing to find themselves stay put on a break for a lifetime. It's very inspiring to know there are others who found a balance for being a mom and being something bigger than that.
Yesterday was full of positive emotions - joy, love, acceptence, interest. My almost everyday fear of not having a chance to get rid of the annoying feeling of uselessness was destroyed by a talk with my mom. Getting to know she also had a lack of support when me and my brother was little made me feel cofident, as if my positivness is more important than anything in my family work.
I then got dressed and went out for some business reading the news feed on the way, and I read then that a 38 year old russian film director of armenian origin has died of cancer just a day ago.
Her name was Maria Saakyan and she left 5 kids and a few movies shot.
I was having a tram ride, it was snowing and I thought of how often I forget that I'm alive and that it's a joy to be alive. I thought of how awfully unfair it was to take a mother from 5 kids. I thought of how her (almost my coeval) could even manage it - 5 kids and a few films done? I thought of whether it's right or wrong to sell my Blackmagic cinema camera giving up on making movies just because my fourth maternal leave has made the whole kids/family story way to dramatic.
So I thought and to tell truth I was feeling much better than last few weeks. Maybe it even felt like hope.
This is Mariya Saakyan shooting on the upper picture
and myself with the camera down here 10 years ago.
Glad you had positive yesterday, sis!
@originalworks
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