When we experience hurt or pain, our brains automatically start constructing a narrative around that experience. We can't help it. Our minds are wired to make sense of the physical and emotional stimuli that we encounter. That is true generally, but there is a particular urgency around the negative, hurtful and painful stimuli because those are threats. Those need to be clearly marked with warning signs so that they are not experienced again. In fact, your brain is actually standing by with a package of neurochemicals to reward your pleasure centers if you are able to jam all the pieces of that experience into a frame.
Okay, so what's the problem hotshot?
The problem is that your brain kind of sucks at doing this accurately. That frame is usually broken. You may adopt a story that keeps you from that particular harm again, but to make it fit, it often has to weave together a set of lies or distort a belief that you hold. This is especially true of children when the wounding comes from a parent or an adult in a care or authority position. Kids need to believe that their parents are good people. That they are trustworthy and will be safe. They need to know that if the wise masters of the world (i.e. parents) say something is true, then it is in fact so. When a parent assaults, abuses, neglects, or otherwise wounds a child without proper apology and reconciliation, the brain makes a story.
However, the most accurate version of that story, the one that says that the parent wrongfully hurt the child leaving them without recompense or recourse, threatens to tarnish the image of their hero. So you distort. You accept a false version of the event that does not implicate the person actually doing the harm. Sometimes you adopt the lie that it didn't really hurt or that it was an accident, thereby denying the reality of your felt experience. But more often the lie is something like:
That happened to me because I deserved it. I'm too clumsy, too lazy, too wild, too wimpy, too boyish, too loud. I'm not strong enough, soft enough, ambitious enough, good enough. I'm not enough.
Right about now some of you may be nodding your head. Perhaps you're thinking of a childhood experience where you "got what's coming." If that's you, I have two things I want to challenge you with. First, I'm not saying that we never play a role in our own wounding. But, the lie is cleverly hidden in the structure of the message. While you may have acted lazily, brashly, or disobediently, your brain turns it into an identify statement "I AM lazy," "I AM wild," "I AM uncontrollable."
Second, and without knowing your story, I want you to momentarily refrain from holding that belief. Open yourself up, ever so slightly, to the idea that you did not deserve it. Pause the story. Take yourself out of the frame and put another kid in your place. Maybe you put your own child there, or a niece or nephew. Someone you know and love. Now hit play again. What do you feel seeing that other kid verbally berated in front of their friends, or being shoved to the floor by an adult, or ridiculed for the shape of her body, or told to cut the shit because boys don't cry, or whatever it is that happened to you? Do you feel the same thing when you put yourself back in the story? If not, why not?
These stories we tell about ourselves are lies.
These stories need to be challenged. Still, they should NOT be rashly thrown to the wind. If you're able to dig in, these first drafts actually hold important data points. Like the notes scribbled in the margins of your outline, the stories tell more than what is seen on the surface. Pull up your stories, but don't just start revising. First, understand why you wrote it that way to begin with. Get back to that mental space and take a good look around. There are treasures hidden in those lines. Only then should you make the necessary edits.
Lastly, this does not have to be an exercise in demonizing your parents. A lot of us had really loving parents and an overall positive childhood. All of us have imperfect parents that. You do them no service or honor by denying that. This process does not ignore forgiveness, but you need to make yourself whole first. Restore the story. Correct the lie. Only then can you forgive.
Until next time, be blessed.
Sam
Image Source: Bath, Sunrise
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This is hard to read because it is so good and so true.
One quick note. I believe you meant to write "it" instead of "is" here: "Sometimes you adopt the lie that is didn't really hurt or that it was an accident, thereby denying the reality of your felt experience."
I have done this my entire life. I still go to counseling to try to correct many things I learned as a child and it's difficult, but I still often blame myself. I find it easier that way -- to take responsibility for the role I played in a situation instead of casting blame and realizing that I have been wronged by others.
Great piece!
Good eye! You're right about that typo. Thanks for catching it.
I think you're right. It is easier to stick to the routine that we are familiar with. While it is important to not fall into the role of perpetual victimhood, there is a healthy place that allows us to recognize that there there was more going on than what we were responsible for. It is hard work and I am encouraged to hear of your commitment to it.
Thanks, and congrats on the great piece! 341 votes!!
Holy smokes! This is quite the surprise. I know those numbers must be due in in large part to some voting trails because there are only 65 views. I am very grateful for the support though. What's funny to me is how much more easily this post came to me than some of my others. In fact, your advice has a lot to do with it. I've been trying to streamline my message and focusing on a more minimalist formatting style.
Yeah the upvotes came through with the @curie vote as part of the Curie curation trail (@curie / Curie is a curation community with curators looking for posts to submit for review, and reviewers who are former top curators that review and upvote the best submissions).
Ah. That makes sense. That makes sense. I've heard of @curie but this is my first experience getting the curie curation trail. Thanks for the insight.
Yup, that tricky brain of ours will lie and lie if we let it. The great thing about the truth is we don't need to believe it, we don't need to think about it, so if we just drop all the beliefs and thoughts about the way things are the truth of what is reveals itself
Mmhmmm. I have found that to often be the case. We are usually the ones standing in the way of the truth taking root. Sometimes I think we do need intentional positioning in order to replace the lie, but that is not done by thinking or reasoning our way through it. You can't use thought to unlearn something you learned through experience. You need a new experience.
This was a helpful exercise. I actually did it. It wasn't easy. But I did notice how what you were saying about internalizing it. The message did change.
That's awesome. Thank you for sharing that. I am really encouraged that this was able to bring some kind of meaning and help to you.This is never an easy thing to do and I commend you for diving right in.