Children need to be mirrored. When they come to you, you want to be that clear mirror. So, the most important work you do is with yourself. -Gabor Mate
Toxicity Is Our Normality
We’re on a mission – on a mission to find someone who we can reprocess our unhealed childhood traumas with. We crave someone with whom we can recreate our childhood dynamics with. Someone that has similar unmet childhood needs as ours. Someone who reminds us of what love felt like in our household as a child. But that love was not the one of a healthy parental love. It was conditional. Inconsistent. Withheld from us. It made us cry. Or it may have made us withdraw. It made us deny our own emotional realities. It made us mistrust adults. It made us doubt our worth. It made us broken at too much of a young age. It took away our chance at growing up in a healthy and loving home.
Consequently, as adults, we seek to rebuild that broken home in the arms of others broken beings. Two broken halves don’t make a whole. You can’t build a loving and healthy home on a broken foundation. We need the help of a professional third party in order to ensure that our home will be built on safe proof foundations. Our childhood traumas need to be healed.
What Is Love?
We idealize our partners just like we idealize our parents, no matter how toxic they are. Idealization makes complete sense from a survival standpoint – as children, we are helpless and rely entirely on our parents to survive. In that sense, no matter how much they may harm us – we will always look up to them and love them because our survival depends on it. Coping mechanism 101. This may lead us as adults to seek unhealthy partners who will make us suffer as a way to relive our childhood traumas. And just as we did as children, we may idealize our partners to no end in spite of the pain they are inflicting upon us.
Love is supposed to hurt - that distorted belief has been embedded in our psyche for too long. Ironically, when love feels loving and safe, we run away like our safety depends on it. That’s not the kind of love we remember receiving as children. It doesn’t feel right to us because toxicity is our normality.
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This is painful to read… May we break the vicious cycle. Working towards wholeness, healing and liberation —- writing helps 🙏🏽
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Interesting post, as usual. And cute pic, cool necklace! :)
I like the quote "the most important work you do is with yourself" and I think it is important that people realize that they can improve their life by looking internally and not so much externally. I think we all start life the same way, kind of as a fish in a tiny pond where all our needs are provided for, ideally. Depending on the mother's condition, the womb might not be that perfect but we can't do anything ourselves to improve things.
Then as young kids we're under the control of parents, family and society. We learn some cause-and effect rules about things we can do to get things we want. But it's inconsistent. However these variable interval/ratio schedules of reinforcement get us addicted to our behaviors and we idolize our reinforcers - parents, family, society. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Operant_conditioning
As we get older, we come to understand our parents aren't the idols we may have originally thought. Time to find new idols in the form of god(s), cultural icons and partners. But as we learn more about these persons/entities we find out they aren't perfect either.
It's very hard to change things externally, and maybe we eventually realize the one thing we can change to some degree is ourselves. So I think it is true that "the most important work you do is with yourself" and not expect that work to come from our parents/family/friends/partner/society. We can improve ourselves if we set realistic step-by-step goals, and that in turn will improve our relationships, which will make life a little better for others. As this effect ripples out, the world could become a better place for everyone!
Just random thoughts inspired by your excellent post! I wish you a wonderful day! :)
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This is a very interesting and important article. Thank you for providing it. You know, everything in life changes; people come and go. But childhood traumas are something we carry with us our whole life. I think that it's not possible to get rid of them or forget some moments, but it's for sure possible to reduce their influence on our life. It's hard, and it requires a lot of effort and professional assistance. I started writing my term paper, and it's about childhood traumas and their effect on adult life. There is so much info online, which means that the issue is serious. I've found a lot of amazing sources, and also, that site provided me with some informative childhood traumas essay examples, which are quite helpful. I also want to ask my professor if I can also write about my experience, but I have some ethical dilemmas. But I think it would have been a good adding to the paper.