An Original Schteinn Science Report
~Ninth Edition ~
Brought To You By: The Schteinn School of the Sophisticated Sciences (S.S.S.S.) -- Wet Weather Analysis Department
"When It Rains, It Pours" - the Morton Salt Company
"When It Rains, It Pours. But Even MORE So, When I'm On My Bicycle" - the Author
The Rainy Human Condition
As human beings, we seem to be obsessed with the idea of water falling from the sky. Start any conversation with a stranger in line at the market, and within twelve seconds there is a good chance the discussion will turn to the subject of rain.
And I don't think this is a particularly NEW thing. I'm sure if you could turn yourself into a cave-dwelling Bluebott Fly and buzz back thousands of years through time, then hang around on the wall of the average, people-inhabited cave, you would witness many a lively game of boulder-leaf-club, to determine which 'volunteer' gets to brave the predator-filled night air outside, to climb up and fix the cavern roof during a storm.
Old MacDonald And The Extended-Weather Forecast
"But that's way old school, Science dude! " OK. Then jump ahead a few thousand years, to the advent of Organized Agriculture. Ever carry on a short conversation with a local farmer? I have, many times. At one point in my storied job history, I spent a summer as a wildlife researcher in the Midwest. One of the main parts of this job was interviewing local farmers about the practice of mowing their roadside ditches, and the affect it had on the population of the common, Ring-necked pheasant.
And no matter how these conversations started off, they invariably veered away from bird research, to the topic of the rain. And the fact that there was either way too much of the stuff, or never enough.
I'm quite certain if you polled ALL the farmers worldwide, inquiring if there was ever 'just enough' rain, you might get two or three across the entire GLOBE to agree. And these few would no doubt be those proverbial drugstore dirt-tillers you read about. True farmer wannabe's. Those with no REAL experience in the profession of messing in the dirt, and off-kilter weather woes. I'm not holding my breath on this one.
So, it becomes Scientifically Official. As a species, we're highly obsessed with rain. And this week, I'm joining the true farmers and old-time cave dwellers of old. I think the rain of today has changed, and is now wetter than it used to be. Back when I was a younger lad.
A Whole New Theory About The Rain
This idea concerning the new wetness of rain started a few weeks ago. I got wet. REALLY wet. Much wetter than I've ever been in my short-lived history. And I'm not exactly new to this planet. But the other night was different. I took a real SHELLACKING in the old soak-department.
This occurred while I was out on my evening bike ride. A semi-nightly event performed for much-needed exercise, and to clear my brain of too much 'life-fluff ' that accumulates on a daily basis. This biking activity works well in both regards.
Things were pedaling along quite smoothly, until about 5 minutes into the ride. That's when the clouds bunched up, turned OMINOUSLY black, and the skies opened up. Letting loose all SORTS of water from above. I'm pretty sure most of the rain falling in the entire COUNTY at that moment was directed solely at me. And my poor bicycle. No problem...this seems to be a fairly common occurrence lately.
Time to turn around and head home? No way. But definitely time to find the closest 'Brellie Tree'. My definition for any densely branched fir, cedar or leafy hardwood along the avenue, that seconds as a giant umbrella from the rain. A great place to stop and stay relatively dry while digging things out from my waterproof panniers. A fancy French word, that when translated to English, means "huge, overweight-bags stuffed to the brim, hanging off your rear bicycle rack."
A very dense cedar tree soon moved into view, just as massively GINORMOUS drops began pelting me from above. I dropped my kickstand, rummaged around in the bags, and finally pulled and tugged the rain gear on over my clothes. Then proceeded on with my ride.
A Typical 'Brellie' Tree Along The Bike Path
NOT The One From That Night
What About This Rain Gear Stuff
An important point to this entirely new rain-theory-in-development here, involves the idea that when I say rain gear, we're not talking your average, flap-about-on-the-bike-in-the-wind-to-efficiently-let-the-wetness-in hiking poncho. This is the Real McCoy of biking accessories. Neoprene booties over the clip-less biking shoes, waterproof rain pants, and 'waterproof/ breathable' jacket. I even sport some Army Surplus mittens and covers, stocking hat under the helmet, and a fuzzy 'necker', to keep me cozy, or at least semi-thawed while riding.
Back To The Bike Ride
By the time I left the main streets and hit the bike trail by the river, the rain was coming down almost parallel to the ground. Vision, and some breathing efficiency was a 'bit obscured'. But being an avid biker, I pushed on, through the squall and certain logic. Nothing much out of the ordinary.
MILKY WAY LOOKALIKE RAIN STORM EVENT
Emulated Later On To Save My Camera From Certain Failure
I'm NOT A Nutria In A Pond!
Things soon got messy. In NO time flat, I noticed major seepage occurring in my precious rain gear. It all started in the arms of the jacket. It suddenly felt like the River of No Return had taken a swift left turn from western Idaho, and down my coat sleeves, fully soaking my fleecy jacket. Not enjoyable in the least. Then it got worse. My arms became totally sopping wet, and the rain was fast-wicking up to my oh-so delicate pits. It was at about this time that another developing theory about this whole 'breathable/waterproof ' jacket nonsense started to seep in as well. (More on that in another keenly written Scientific article.)
Though less than comfortable, wet sleeves are something I can deal with. It's when the excess moisture suddenly shifted down south that the joy of biking took a major holiday. In no time flat I was soaked through to my under's. And though I don't make it a habit to discuss my 'fineries' on the Internet, this was getting downright RIDICULOUS. I was sloshing about on the bike seat like my shorts were filled with warm Petroleum Jelly. Within ten minutes my shoes were full, and my socks were floating around within. My disgust level reached a new, all time high.
I was perplexed. I've never gotten THIS wet in all the years I've been on a bike. There must be SOME explanation for all this extra dampness of my person, going on during this particular ride.
I wonder why?
Highly Scientific Findings:
Theory No. 1
This Was A Momentous, 100 Year Rain Event
Jump ahead to the end of my ride. Of course, the very moment I steered into the driveway back home, the rain instantly stopped. As if a giant hand turned off the hose-spigot from the sky above. Dumb rain anyway!
Tossing aside all my wet clothes, I popped onto the Weather Channel on the Internet, and looked up the sloshing I had just barely survived. I was quite sure this rainstorm was a momentous weather event to rival all world records throughout history.
Proof-Positive Graphical Evidence Of The Spectacular Rain Event
What I Found On The Weather Channel
This WAS an impressive rain storm. Looking at the chart above, it's quite obvious a rather large 'slug' of water belted me from above, in a very very short span of time. As in, the entirety of my bike ride. At least if those little red arrows I've added have anything to say about it. No WONDER I got so wet! This must have been some sort of 100+ year event I'd just pedaled through.
I needed to put all this into perspective. Staring at the weather graph from my ride, I was reminded of a trip to New Zealand several years back.
While wandering about the South Island, any time I or a fellow traveler at a Hostel mentioned "all this crazy rain" to a Kiwi, the locals were quick to roll their eyes to the ceiling while emitting a full-on chuckle, then set us straight. "Rain! THAT'S no rain,mate. You wanna see some rain, check out the storms of '94 and 2001. THAT was the real stuff, by crikey. But no worries, you'll ketch up..."
Standing in front of the Weather Channel screen in my birthday suit, I could no longer remember the exact details of these storms, only that they were supposedly rather impressive. So, I did the next best thing to being there...I Googled up the details of these events.
So Much For Theory Number One
Or: We Got Nothin' On Kiwi Rain Clouds
Good lord! And I thought it rained here tonight! This evenings 'torrential bicycle downpour' was a joke, when compared to the historic rainstorms of the South Island of New Zealand. Unbelievably, the event of 2001 produced 109 mm of rain. In one hour. That's 4.29 inches of rain. In one HOUR!!! That's not rain, that's standing in a bathtub under a waterfall while someone trains a fire hose on you.
Not to be outdone, the storm of 1994 produced 473 mm of rain in 12 hours. Over 18 inches of rain, in half a day! Not sure which is more impressive, but by comparison, my 'event' of this evening was more like a ride through a thick fog bank.
It's obvious, I did not get wetter-than-usual from a massive, wetter-than-usual event. As evidenced by the fact there were NO discussions on Google of massive rain gear failures in these New Zealand storms. Following this logic train to the theoretical station of result, my evening wetness event was pretty much a rainfall joke, compared to these big-boy storms of the South Pacific. Thus, we must turn our Scientific Insights elsewhere, for a much better answer to this watery conundrum.
Theory No. 2
If Only We Could Improve On That Water Stuff
Jump back a few more years, to my days of fighting forest fires in the West. A nasty bit of business, but someone has to do it. And as a 'pump jockey', I was an intricate part of the 'water-show' on these fires. The process of moving the precious fire-suppression water through the hose system, and on up the mountain to where the fire was burning. My job entailed hanging out down in the brush on the bank of a creek, running a portable pump, and firing it up once I got a call on the radio: “More water, D, MORE water !” (Sometimes in a rather pinched, excited voice. Glad I was in the creek...). The one and a half inch hoses would then charge up solid, and the water raced up the hill to a big, red, portable 'Fold-A-Tank.' It was then pumped out to from there to where it was needed on the fire using other pumps.
One of the other jobs up on the mountain--was to add a product called “Wet Water” to the Fold-A-Tanks, before filling. Without getting TOO scientific here, "Wet Water" was some sort of surfactant or wetting agent (think 'soapy mixture'), added to make the water 'go further' while fighting the fire. Evidently it worked well, or at least that's what I was told by the powers that be, from above. Evidently fire doesn't like soapy, very-much-wetter water.
Wet Water And Even WETTER Rain
This bit of my history started me thinking about water, rain, and this getting-wetter-than-usual-in-the-rain-while-biking thing. It's possible all this fire fighting 'Wet Water' evaporated during or after the forest fires, and then passed up into the clouds as Wet Water vapor. Then, later on, the odd stuff was picked up inside droplets of falling rain as they passed down to earth through these clouds, leading to more efficient raindrops soaking through my rain gear the other night. It happens in the washing machine, why NOT in the sky as well? This would explain a lot.
On Second Thought
Yet, there is one small problem with this theory. This was years ago, and I've studied the water cycle. Evaporated water and rain do not just hole-up somewhere in the sky for ten to twenty years, then decide to fall on some doofus while out riding around in a rainstorm on his bike. The water cycle is MUCH more efficient and timely than this. I couldn't tell you HOW efficient, but I'm pretty sure it is. Thus, this theory is 'all wet'. Or, 'all dry', which in this case seems more appropriate. I do not believe fire-fighting and 'Wet Water' is a viable theory about the rain being wetter than ever before.
What this line of thinking DID jump-start, was some OTHER conspiracy theory sort of...theories, to explain this increased body wettening.
The Government Must Be To Blame
Though I'm not usually much of a Theory Conspiracist, I do read about various sorts of things of discussion on the Internet. All manner of ideas about how the earth is as flat as my dining room table, and that airplanes are putting out chemistry trails across our skies.
Flat Earth and Rain
The whole flat earth thing? I have a major problem with this theory for sure. I've worked in the woods in the West for years. There's nothing flat about the earth. At ALL. It's COVERED with major, non-flatness. Mountains, ridges, cliffs, humps and bumps, molehills. Unless you live in Oklahoma or Kansas, there isn't an acre of flat earth to be found.
And what ABOUT rain, and a flat earth? If the earth IS flat, what's underneath this big kitchen table we live on, besides everyone's gum? I suppose there could be other people, standing up with their head facing down below. But if they're on the underside of the 'Earth Table', why don't they fall off? There can't be gravity on both sides, we'd be sucked through the table by the 'other sides' gravity. And what happens when you get to the edge? Is it a really THICK edge, like miles wide, and you don't notice it's actually a corner, so you just keep walking, and then continue on to 'Side B', like an old 45 RPM, Top 100 phonograph record?
So, the earth just SEEMS round to us? Even though it's flat? Because you keep walking through the crowds of people on Side B, with their heads pointing the other way? Down, to our original up? And where does all the rain falling on this flat Earth GO? The rain would run off the 'table', and fall below, into whatever IS below (or ABOVE, which is THEIR below, those folks on Side B....). We would run out of rain after awhile. No, I think that flat Earth thing might be a bit of a stretch. Just doesn't make sense to this Scientist. On to some more theories about the wetter rain.
Theory No. 3
Where DOES That Funky, Blue Water GO?
After kibosh-ing the flat-planet thing, this leaves only the Chemistry and Airplane Trail Theorem to ponder. And I feel this one has a BUNCH more merit.
I've ridden in many a jet airliner over the years. Often for long periods of time. And as such, have used the bathroom many times during flight. And when all the chores in that tiny closet-cubicle are done? And we flush the commode. That funky blue water swirls and swirls around and around, then heads down through the little flapper-valve hole, and on out to who-knows-where. Though I think I DO know where it goes.
When I was a kid, we took the train to Florida. And we children seemed to spend an inordinate amount of time in the bathroom on the Amtrak. No, not because we were having 'difficulties', as my parents wondered aloud: "Why DO you children spend so much time in the bathroom? Are you all sick? " Staring back with our best, small-person incredulity, we'd pipe back the most obvious answer: "NO, we were just watching the tracks go by." And who WOULDN'T?!
Every time you flushed the toilet, that flapper valve opened, and the wooden ties and railroad bed went whizzing by at a 60 mph blur. It was FASCINATING. "Let's go to the bathroom, and watch the ties go by." Never mind there was a whole PANORAMA of the gorgeous, REAL world passing by out the window on either side of the train. Things MUCH more interesting than creosote wood and gravel. But we were kids. Not bounded by any of those pesky annoyances like good sense, logic or reason. Which brings us back to the airplane theory. I think I know where this blue water is going, once the plane flushes it.
Mile-High Tidy-Bowl Trails
This odd, blue liquid ends up being dumped into the air. Think about it. What color is the sky when you look up from the earth? And what color is this liquid being dumped by these planes? Direct correlational patterns are developing fast and furious upstairs, in the old Scientific hat-holder.
Ah HAAAaaa!
I'm going to go out on a limb here, and say that this may be causing the rain to be wetter than it used to be. This blue airplane toilet water MUST be something akin to soap, or some other surfactant. Like the Wet-Water of my firefighting days gone by. Why else would it be blue? If it was just plain water, it would be clear. Like in my toilet at home.
And this helps explain why the rain is wetter than ever before. Because the clouds and then the rain must be picking up this blue stuff as it falls through to the earth below. With the end-result that the rain is chock FULL of this blue airplane water. And this makes it pass through rain gear fabric much more efficiently. Like the Wet Water. And made me very very wet on my bicycle.
Though I like it, there is one problem with this theory. Why didn't my clothes and skin turn blue that night on the bike, if this is the source of our 'wetter than wet' rain? A major thinking problem develops, and holes rapidly widen within our theoretical fabric of Scientific Fact.
No, I think this marvelous, spot-on theory must be put aside as well. I didn't turn blue that night. Or any other color after my soaking. So we have to look to other possibilities here for all this added wetness. And frankly, I'm running low on viable theories here.
Theory No. 4
The Worn Out Rain Gear Axiom
Since I've exhausted all plausible Scientific thought I can think of in relation to this phenomenon, I am going to branch out here, venturing into another possibility. And though it seems a bit far fetched, I am otherwise out of Science-based ideas. So I will shinny out onto the thin limb of academiology here, and put if forth anyway. It IS possible my rain gear is worn out. After all, I've had it for a while. Though I originally leaned away from this idea, as it seems more far fetched and entirely too simplistic for Science, than the other three possibilities above.
There was only one thing left to do. Set up a Scientific Experiment, to test my rain gear in similar, rain squall conditions. The skill-crafted Scientific Treatise, Photography and Final Conclusion is presented below.
Experimental Treatise
Is My Rain Gear Worn Out? Where By: Through the simulation of a large-scale rain event, utilizing common, household items such as a rainfall sample chamber, complete with high-tech moisture meter, to test the integrity of the human rain suit. Unfortunately, no moisture meter was available. And no other rain gear either, to use as a control for a comparison study. (This is my only biking rain gear, and a moisture meter is beyond my allowance.)
Scientific Supplies
Standard Garden Hose
Household Water Spigot
Special Rainfall-Emulation Gardening Nozzle
Tree
Test Subject in Rain Gear
Timer
Wetness Tester Gauge
Summary Of Experimental Procedure
While waiting for my rain gear to dry, I crafted a make-shift 'event' in the Redbud tree out front on the lawn. I added a brass, No. 3 WideSpray Water Nozzle by the Nestooca RainCloud Company of Terre Haute Indiana, on the end of my garden hose. I thought this would most-closely resemble a Northwest rain squall. I wedged the hose and nozzle as high up in the tree as I could reach, but it was still too low to TRULY emulate rain drops falling from the lower atmosphere. To make up for this lack of height, I turned the spigot up to 'Full Bore', to help replicate the harder rain of drops falling thousands of feet from the sky. It seemed to work well, as the final results will display below.
The test subject then put on the rain gear, and stepped INTO the simulated rain event, and noted what was going on inside. Since I couldn't afford a truly Scientific moisture meter, I just used the standard, everyday Scientific "Feel Test", to gather the final results. Detailed notes were taken before the hose was shut off for the evening.
Science Photos
Late-Night, High-Tech Testing of The Final Theory Regarding: "The Rain Is Wetter Than It Used To Be"
Photo No. 1
Photo No. 2
Scientific Experimental Result
Subject got very very wet within 5 minutes, during the "Feel Test". The final soaking felt very similar to the rain-squall event on the bicycle. Subject was not "wet to the shorts", but was also not sitting down on a bicycle seat during testing. We are fairly sure if he WAS sitting, he would be exceedingly wet "everywhere."
Final Conclusion
It is very possible that my rain gear is worn out. Though I am STILL fully convinced--the rain is wetter than it used to be.
Thanks for stopping in and viewing the latest Scientific Discussion about why the rain is wetter than it's ever been. If you have any thoughts about much wetter rain, any NEW theories you can come up with as Junior Scientists ABOUT this phenomenon, where I can get some more good, cheap rain gear, or anything else this post reminds you of, please feel free to comment away in the spaces below. I'd love to hear from you.
*Scientific Note: This article is being published after the rainy season has ended. The school has heavily suggested I send these deeply-researched articles out for peer review. I tried this, but got few answers back. And it takes too long anyway. So, I'm putting this out without peer review. The results are just TOO important to delay any longer.
A huge shout-out from the Freelance Reporter's cardboard holler-horn goes out to the amazing @ocrdu for creating this marvy little identification credential for The Schteinn Science Report. Not only is it ultra-cool, but it allows me to poke about into databases and other larger places I'm probably not supposed to be. Though that IS the point of this on-the-edge, razor-sharp Science reportáge.
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And go to @ddschteinn -- There's a whole lot more...
Posted: 06/12/2019 @ 07:48~ Post No. 315
Excerpts From Late-Night Conversations With A Mechanical Cat
Fact Number 150
More Classic Cat Facts From Stinky the Cat
I have seen many an American who could well get wetter than others by sheer gravitational pull, but you're probably not one of them.
I do feel the tug a bit more than years past, but it's still pretty light. Though in the vertical plane, it has been a challenge since the 7th grade.
After reading this and seeing the milky way reconstructed in rain drop glory I too am convinced!!!
Ah, one has to appreciate another person of High Science. Glad you agree with the put-forth premii (pl.-premise). Though I suppose the truth is much like Ms. Dahlrhymple's toy poodle on the morning walk: Always there, yapping in the background, but at times needs a bit of a leg up, to really clamp it's jaws onto one's posteriorii of believe-ability.
Blame the government!! Blame them!! hahaha
Hmmm... You just gave me an idea, if the rain don't come my way I will just use the hose and cover in "homemade rain" the entire yard!
Blame the GOV, whenever possible, yes. (Though unfortunately, often true as well...). As for a fake rain machine, GREAT idea. The whole yard too. You'll be the talk of the town, and very popular. And they DO work well. I installed some small water lines with little mist nozzles on the porch of the house, to spray a little fog stream in hot weather. Works great. They actually make and sell kits for this purpose. Maybe you know of this already, since you live in MAJOR HOTVILLE, Planet Earth.
I suppose a hose and sprinkler would work well too. Though the water bill might keep you from buying things like food and clothes and rent and such. Maybe that's why they make the 'water mist-ers'. You'll have party central on your back porch, once all your friends find out. Yee haa.
My old buddy is a farmer for ever, and it is totally true, the right amount of rain will never be had!
Oh it is dreaded to do much peddling or walking when the unders get soaked. Wet fabric and repeated motion tens to always result in chaffing of the first order...never a good thing in my book!
As an aside, I have heard it said we are always sharing the same water molecules that the ancients shared. Next time you are getting an inadvertent shower while riding your bike, just think that some of those water molecules are the same ones that Ben Franklin showered with too :D
I've yet to meet one that is content. Then again, I can't imagine my whole life dependent on the weather. Wet shorts are one thing, but the entire crop going down sour for the whole year would be another.
I've often thought about that water molecule thing. Mainly in light of dinosaurs and their piddling, but the Ben Franklin shower is a new one to ponder. Maybe some of his wisdom will wear off, or get osmotic-ally placed within my person. As Ben would have no doubt said, "thine baited, showery breath thou shall not holdeth fast o'r times grand progression". (I'm only assuming he was a fisherman... and playing a bit loose with assumed knowledge and Franklinish vernacular.) Cheers, and welcome back to the joy, my friend.
Thank you, and hello, small, tail-dancing blue kitty. Nice to see you again.
I'm sure Trump would take credit for making this year's rains "The wettest of all time."
Funny you should mention surfectants. I was just reading up on whether I really need to fill that "rinse aid" reservoir in the new dish washer. Apparently it's a surfectant. It does seem to make the dishes a lot less spotty.
Did you discover that you got dry faster as well as getting wet faster?
I shall have to set up a new 'system' in the trees, and test the drying factor. I omitted that in my last experiment. (I see possible Post potential written all over it, though). Amazingly, I didn't even think of THAT. What kind of Scientist am I anyway? I may be drummed out of the S.S.S.S., after having my academic epaulet's wrangled from my sleeves and tossed into the quadrangle dirt.
Ah, our fearful leader would no doubt take full credit. I've always known some politicians stretch the truth to their own whim and need, but never have I seen one so blatantly lie with proof of the contrary in recorded form. Well, all jokes aside...I'm still not convinced on this wet rain thing. It's GOTTA be wetter. As for the dishwasher, kind of makes you ponder what rinse aids, and other things we put down the drain are doing to the water supply we later drink. Though I guess we do dump a ton of surfactants in the drain every day doing dishes. So maybe a big nevermind is in order. Though I've just been reading about micro plastics. Good grief. Maybe we all should be drinking out of spotty wineglasses and such. Thanks for stopping in, always a pleasure.
Haha. You are a hoot. I don't know about Oregon rain but I am pretty sure Vancouver rain stands up to Kiwi rain. My ex is in fact a Kiwi who has also lived in London and so he knows rain. The first year living her he turned to me in February and seriously and a we bit desperate asked 'is the rain was ever going to stop'. I of course responded with all the compassion of wet coaster and laughed out loud.
I've always heard you get a lot of the wet stuff. I love the 'wet coaster' thing too. I may steal that. You definately have the attitude down. Folks always ask that here, "does it rain a lot", to which I say, "Naah, only in the winter, spring and fall." Many go back down south after a winter or two. Though GCC has slowed it a bit, and this summer the jetstream is ALL wonky. So hopefully not going to drought. I'll take the rain any day over that. Glad you enjoyed the little word romp. Have a nice day. (It's not raining now, is it? )
Lets hope for a few more brief but impactful downpours with just the right timing. Yeah, go ahead and use wet coaster. I hardly coined it:)