Many of us are guilty of being passive, Aggressive, Or passive-aggressive. Being assertive is in short supply these days. Often, people are extremely angry before they bring up something that's bothering them. So when they finally do, It's an explosion of rage that leaves the other person sitting there confused. Or they'll just sort of hint at what they want or make a passive-aggressive comments. Instead of just being constructive in conversation and explaining what they want. And potentially setting boundaries when it's something a little bit more serious. Just like anything else in life, being assertive is something that requires some practice.
Use "I" language.
This can help prevent you from blaming the other person, because as soon as you start blaming the other person and they feel attacked, they're gonna get defensive and you guys don't really get anything done. It could also escalate the argument until you both become flooded or become aggressive.
Also, when you blame the other person, it has a tendency to potentially damage the relationship, where when you're assertive you're less likely to cause any damage. But you're still getting your overall point across.
When you are passive, you'll gradually grow resentful because you're not bringing up the things that bother you. So that person has no idea, they continue doing the things that they would normally do. And you're gradually getting angrier and angrier.
When you use "I" Statements...
It's a great way to express your feelings instead of saying something like; "You never listen to me" Which is not only an absolute statement. Which gives someone no credit for any of the times they have listened to you. It's also you're blaming them. You're accusing them. You could instead say; "I feel ignored when my ideas aren't acknowledged." See how you're describing your feelings.
It can be a little vulnerable talking like this. But to have healthy relationships, you need to be a little bit vulnerable at times. That doesn't mean that you're weak and helpless. Simply means you're just being open.
"I" statements are a great way of setting boundaries. Instead of saying "you can't just take my things." You could say; "I need you to ask for my permission before using my belongings." See how it's firm, and you're Letting the other person know exactly what your expectations are out of the situation.
So they aren't questioning it. And, of course, that also allows them to ask questions. Offer some alternatives to solving the issue.
It's also a great way of expressing a need. This is especially helpful in relationships. Instead of saying "you should know what I want." You could say "I need some quiet time to relax after work."
Practice saying no.
Practicing saying no is a great way to become more assertive. A lot of people can't say no. And unfortunately, there are people out there who will take full advantage of that, which will stretch you super thin. And then again, you'll start becoming resentful because they're taking so much from you. But realistically, how are they supposed to know your limits if you don't tell them?
You need to learn how to say no without feeling guilty. Your needs matter what you want matters. You are just as valuable and important as anybody else. And your "no" is completely valid. You don't need to justify your decision. Of course, if you wanna include a little bit of context. You totally can. Just do so within reason. For example, let the person know why if you want to, but don't try to justify it to them if that makes sense. You don't need to convince them of why you're saying no. They don't need to agree with you.
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Try to stay calm.
I know this is a hard one. We often get flooded when we're talking about something that bothers us or what our needs are. Sometimes we get nervous and overwhelmed and get a little emotional. Maybe our voice starts cracking a little bit. If you need a minute, don't be afraid to excuse yourself. If you're starting to get flooded. Don't get up and storm out of the room though, because that could come off as very aggressive.
Setting boundaries.
Everyone has a right to have boundaries. Define what is acceptable to you and communicate these boundaries clearly to others. Be firm but respectful when someone crosses your boundaries. It is a good thing to keep in mind that your boundaries need to be reasonable. Telling someone that they can never eat in front of you is probably a little bit unrealistic. Asking someone not to yell at you or not be disrespectful towards you is perfectly reasonable. Boundaries are what you will do as a result of them continuing their behavior. Do your best to be consistent with your boundaries if you're flip, floppy, or random. Then people won't ever take your boundaries seriously, or they'll feel like they're walking on eggshells because they're not really sure where that line is. So this can affect people who genuinely care about you and want To respect your boundaries. Make sure you're also respecting other people's boundaries because you can't expect someone to respect yours if you're not gonna respect theirs.
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