I had lunch with one of my best and oldest friends in the world a few days ago. This will likely be the last time we share a meal together for quite some time. Soon he and his new bride will be loading up a U-Haul trailer and traveling over a thousand miles cross-country to start a brand new life in Washington D.C.
It was a meal befitting of such a good and lasting friendship. We chose Tori Ramen, who has the absolute best Japanese ramen in the Twin Cities.
I’ve spoken about Juan (@luckyfellow here on Hive) and in my blogs before over the years and chronicled our creative collaborations and our trips. We've been friends since 1998 when we struck up a conversation on a shuttle bus from the Cancun airport to a beachside resort we had both booked.
Our friendship has weathered many different changes and phases of life and we’ve made some good memories throughout each of those eras. We published a children’s book together in 2003 entitled If I Had Thumbs Like People Do and a few others that are now either out of publication or never managed to cross the finish line. During our friendship we’ve each gone through divorces, marriages, health-issues, career changes, retirements, personal and professional milestones, the passing of parents.
Around 1999 we decided to take a break from the grind and booked a trip to Las Vegas. That weekend getaway led to a ritual of annual trips that stretched, mostly, uninterrupted for the next twenty years. Although the destinations changed—Chicago, Montreal, the North Shore of Lake Superior the goal was always the same—a reset, a rest, a celebration of our individual accomplishments that year, and a little adventure.
We have so many incredible, indelible, and sometimes unbelievable, stories surrounding those trips that we find ourselves reminiscing about almost every time we get together. Those first few trips to Chicago, shenanigans ensued but all of it was harmless and fairly tame. We were on a shoe-string budget, we were still steeped in the naivete of our younger years. It wasn’t unusual for us to stay out until 4am in the Chicago jazz clubs, many which didn’t survive the pandemic, and stumble back to the hotel after a few too many drinks.
Juan even had an encounter with infamous Chicago legend, “Mailbox Mary” while we were waiting for a table outside of a Rush Street restaurant. There was also the bran muffin incident, the details of which I'll leave to your imagination. I’m happy we got to experience Chicago before the corporate shops and franchised restaurants took over, there were still echoes of 1920’s/30’s-era Chicago around every corner. We still sometimes laugh until our sides almost split recalling some of the experiences we’ve had in the Windy City.
During those first few Chicago trips we were both so poor we each had to write down our daily expenditures to make sure we didn’t go over our daily budgets. We ate our weight in $4.99 Subway sandwiches during those early trips. Those first few years we stayed at the Cass Hotel, which was a dilapidated but very cheap independently owned hotel from the 1920s (not the renovated hotel that’s now owned by the Holiday Inn). Back then we didn’t mind, we were just happy to be able to have a place to rest our heads after our adventures and rest our feet after miles of walking.
Fast-forward to 2017, our first trip to Montreal. By this time we’d finally both established ourselves in our prospective careers (writing for me and art for Juan) and we could afford to splurge, treat ourselves. At last we didn't have to count every penny.
We practiced our French as we were out and about, explored the city on electric bikes, had great meals, zip-lined across the waterfront in Old Port, trudged up Mount Royale, mastered the subway system, treated ourselves to haircuts at Belgard. We put many more miles on our feet.
Between annual trips we arranged and maintained a weekly lunch to stay caught up on things, help motivate each other to the next plateau, and plan the next trip. We managed to keep this streak going until just a couple of years ago.
Sitting there at the restaurant table this past weekend on a warm day, serendipitously the last day of summer, the gravity of the moment began to settle in. Here we were twenty-six years later—greyer, wiser in some ways, battered a bit, with almost three decades of individual triumphs and tragedies under our belts—having one last lunch and not really knowing when the next one will be. It could be months, it could be years, there’s a chance it might be never.
These moments in life are surreal and grow increasingly common as we reach middle age. This is a phase of life with more endings and goodbyes and ever fewer beginnings and hellos. When we reach our fourth or fifth decade we begin to learn not only how to navigate these moments with a little more grace and mindfulness but also appreciate them and give them the importance they deserve.
Despite the best of intentions, I know far too well how difficult it is to predict what the future holds. Because, well, life happens and time, it has a way of marching on in ways that are often unpredictable. I’m just extremely grateful for and celebrate the friendship and the memories we’ve made. It would be easy enough to dwell on and wallow in the selfish grief of the possibility of losing touch with a good friend but I refuse to take that easy path. I choose to be happy and optimistic. I choose to make an effort to keep our friendship going and then leave the rest up to fate and the universe. Hopefully the many miles don’t put distance between us.
I don’t think enough importance or priority is given to friendships in our modern world, especially male friendships. We men can be stubborn and solitary creatures, after all. We quietly spend a majority of our best years striving towards our goals, planning for our futures, fighting to figure out our own shit, and deciding what our place in this crazy and chaotic world is.
We push our fears down and in the face of obstacles we put on the bravest face we can muster. Many times we pretend challenges are easy and we aren’t worried. We’re buffeted, pulled in this direction and that direction by life, sometimes taken for granted. We don’t always have all the answers. We are willing and capable of tremendous personal sacrifice for those we care about—sometimes to our own detriment. Despite appearances, there are times we are afraid. Despite shifting societal norms, often we’re still looked upon as the providers, the consolers, the steadies, problem solvers, during the best of our days we prevail. A lot of us still maintain that connection with our inner child who just wishes to be the hero.
Perhaps it’s a kind of miracle that, in spite of all this, friendships can take root for us but sometimes they do. I believe those who're lucky enough to experience these friendships have a great advantage. It helps to know we have someone in our lives who truly understands both the depths of our struggles and the importance of our wins. It makes us a little more brave to know there’s someone in the world who really has our back.
Such is life. What matters isn’t as much the peaks and valleys. What we will really remember as our days are winding down is all those memories we make in the spaces in between the crescendos and diminuendos. As I sit here in the ever-more-quiet and settling years of middle age I’m most grateful for what happened in all those spaces in between.
I wish you all the best, Buddy.
Remember, where there’s a will there’s a way. Know that, as long as I’m still here, there’s someone in this world who has your back. I see nothing but happiness and wins on the horizon for you and I can’t wait to hear all about them sometime soon.
If everything goes as planned I’ll see you in Chicago next September. It's a different city from what we remember but by then we’ll have a lot to catch up on. Most importantly, we’ll be making some brand new memories. Between now and then don’t be a stranger, don’t do anything I wouldn’t do, and for Godsakes watch out for those bran muffins.
All for now. Thanks for reading.
That looks like a really nice ramen dish! My favorite ramen that I have tried so far is Santouka: https://www.santouka-usa.com/
I tried Bellevue location that is our local one and one in Harvard while my son was there for a summer program, both were excellent.
It is cool that you got to experience that kind of friendship. I had a best friend in Ukraine when we were growing up, the last time I saw and spoke to him was in 2008 so that is long gone... Right now my best friend is actually my wife :) And that is one friendship I hope will last our lifetime...
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That sounds delicious! There aren't many dishes that can beat a good bowl of ramen. It's really satisfying.
Yes, I consider myself lucky! You're lucky to be able to say that about your wife too! My wife and I are great friends—we were friends for years before we got together.
There is no way you will lose touch with this man! Not after what I just read. No way. I feel blessed just knowing there is such a friendship as this one in the world.
I have lost touch with so many people over the years! There are very few I have known for many years, but there are a few. Ann from my early days in Brooklyn - I just spent quite a bit of time with her. Sylvie in Nyack from my college days - I just spent a night at her lovely home. And Susan from my hometown, who is a dear friend again now that I have moved back to that hillbilly town. The ones who really really matter stay with you.
I'd really like to think this would be the case. I've never been a person to have a lot of friends but have had a handful of close ones throughout the years but, as with a lot of folks, the pandemic really changed that. Those years really changed so many of my other friends in some strange and unpredictable ways. As I said though, I choose to remain optimistic. It's great to hear from you @owasco. I hope the summer has treated you well!
I've been insanely busy! Not only did I graduate from an academy for homeopathy after a year of grueling study, I've also started taking violin lessons again! I wanna be a fiddle player who can jam with the best of them. The garden is cranking out food that needs processing (I can't wait for winter at this time of year), my dog needs her daily long walk (me too) and I gotta squeeze time in for just hanging out with others - I could easily live the life of a recluse. I've freed up a bit of cash by selling my building in Park Slope Brooklyn (sad that it will no longer be in my life but it had to go) and am looking at properties in Nashville to be near my eldest who, I hope, will begin breeding soon.
It's all good!
That all does sound like a good kind of busy! Congratulations on all those accomplishments and new beginnings! My sister-in-law in Sedona is a homeopathic healer, she's been at it since 1995. As soon as all this work is done on our house we'll be getting another beagle. I feel like we're both ready now. : )
Great! I look forward to your posts about your beagle. I miss Amstel. I can hear him now.
How is that house going?
And you have a homeopath in your life? I'm using a method dubbed "practical homeopathy" which is probably very different from that of your sil. It's been structured for anyone to be able to use for everyday ailments, and is very effective for just about any illness. I treated an infection on my hand a couple days ago, one that would have sent me for medical care five years ago. One dose, and within a few hours it was noticeably improved, gone the next morning. That stuff is fabulous!
He definitely left a void. The next beagle will be lucky to grow up out here in all this nature! Although Amstel did appreciate all those discarded chicken wings people would throw out of their car windows in the city. : )
Yes! Lilli started as a massage therapist and then took a two year course on homeopathy. She comes from a long line of healers, her grandmother practiced in Mexico. That sounds incredible you were able to heal the infection that quickly. There's great power in natural medicine!
This recent JRE Podcast opened my eyes to things I didn't know about our healthcare system.
The short of it is it's worse than I even thought. Do you do consultations?
I've only just started this video, but this rings very plausible regarding dosage:
No surprise there.
Homeopathic products are heavily regulated and facilities inspected by the FDA, far more heavily than pharmaceuticals, which are made willy nilly (remember covid vaccines anyone?). The remedies are very inexpensive. They work, some would say effect cures, (although we are not allowed to say so) and only occasionally have mild but temporary side effects. They also taste good. Kids love them.
Thanks for the video. I expect it to be eye-opening.
Yes! Free! I don't need or want to make money. I don't want the tax related complications.
Any friendship that lasts more than 7 years can make it through a geographical divide that happens. I have a friend I met in grade 6 that moved across the country and, though it has been different, we have maintained that connection and still see each other on special occasions.
Friends like that are such a big piece of us, no matter if they are next door or across the globe. One of the blessings you can count.
That's great that you two have been able to maintain that connection! I've had old friends who just completely fell off radar. I think the key thing is both parties have to be willing to make an effort. I don't know about you but I appreciate friendships so much more now than I did twenty years ago.
Oh definitely. I also choose new ones a little more carefully because I am too old to spend my time with twits! ;)
It gets more difficult as we get older to make friends for a variety of reasons. Being more "choosy" is definitely one of those. We learn how to spot all those pesky red flags. : )
This makes me realize I need to reach out to my good friend and have lunch with him sometime. I'm sorry that your friend is leaving, but I hope this move is awesome for him.
Thank you! I think the move is what he needs at this point. I think it will open a lot of doors, professionally, for him. There's something about taking that kind of chance that pushes you out of your comfort zone enough to help you gain confidence you wouldn't have otherwise.
I might be in a position like that soon as I have said. I don't see us moving across the country, but pushing out of my comfort zone is definitely on the table!
I am very moved reading this. This text is the most beautiful proof that friendship exists. You are very lucky to have each other, more than friends, you are brothers. I am also lucky to have a friend with whom I have over 40 years of friendship. I raise a toast to that upcoming meeting in September. May the anecdotes and beautiful things multiply. Hugs.🫂
Thank you Nancy! We actually call each other "brother". That's wonderful you still have a friend from childhood. I'm still connected to several people I grew up with on social media but we aren't close friends. It's still nice to keep caught up on their lives, even if it's vicariously.
I hope we can make Chicago happen next September! I've done the thing Juan is doing, I moved from Ohio to Minnesota in 1995. It's so much more difficult and expensive than people realize so we'll have to see. If nothing else there's always the option of me visiting him in DC. I wish you a wonderful rest of your week!
Good afternoon, dear friend @ericvancewalton
How wonderful it is to have a friendship that lasts over the years, and you've experienced so many things together.
The words you dedicate to your friend are beautiful, and you'll undoubtedly meet again in Chicago next September.
Thank you so much for sharing this friendship experience with Juan.
Have a great day.
Thank you Luis! I hope you're having a great week!
Always great to have true friendships that last over the years. I regard my friends as family, and so do they. Only a handful, but all are special souls, even the Russian. Two of them since the 60s, one from the 70s, and the Greek from around 2006. So yes, you are blessed to have a friend like that.
!BEER
I feel the same way about my good friends. It sounds like we've both been very lucky! : )
The correct choices were made, as it is said to surround yourself with like minded people :)
Oh man! This was a fucking ride. It made me think of the little rituals I have with my good friends, and how at any point, those rituals could be the last time they happen, with an indeterminate future.
How the continental drift of friendship can start slow (with something like this) - but all it takes and all it will take, is a phone call to make come back together again.
I know that this sort of friendship is one that will endure, but what on Earth are you going to do for lunch once a week now?
Those little rituals you describe make life worth living and take on so much more value as we walk further down our paths. Yes, shared history and memories have a way of binding us together. Both sides have to be willing to make an effort though. I think this is often how friendships drift, one side stops making that effort. We stopped our weekly lunches a few years ago when my wife got ill. For the past couple of years we've managed to have lunch once every couple of months. I'll definitely miss those lunches.
Man, this post is a story by itself :)))
Thank you, man!
#hive #posh
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