I don't know where to begin again. For now, I will live one day at a time and try to find things I should live for.
First of all, I'll send you a! Strong HUG. I know how hard it is to have those dark thoughts and the path of effort you have made to get out of there. That's why you already know that you are strong, so much that you endured until you broke.
It is positive that you allow yourself to cry and that you have written down what afflicts you. Writing does not solve but it helps to download and relieve.
You yourself know how to help you: one day at a time. There is neither the past for which you punish yourself nor the future that has not happened and no one knows if we will be in it. If you need medical help, go back to her. If it helps you to talk to someone who listens/reads to you without judging you or giving you false cheers, you just have to mention me and I will come as soon as I can.
Take good care of yourself, you are the most important thing in your life. ♥️