"You should've said a word, we could've helped you!"
The problem with our friends and family is that they don't think we could hurt badly enough for us to take away our own lives. Who would imagine such a grim thought anyway? We've always been taught that everything life throws at us, we're bound to surpass them; we're stronger than we think. But what if we are not? What if life continuously stretches us to the point of breaking? Will we be punished for choosing to surrender?
When my friend hung himself in their home's comfort room, I could only think of how lonely he could've felt in his last moments. All these years, I wondered what JI felt, what kind of thoughts filled his mind moments before he took his own life, and what could've gone so wrong that it was the only way out he thought of. I didn't judge JI for his decision, but I always wondered.
Last night, when I went from tired to exhausted, from believing that "Life's worth living" to "Life's ruthless!" The moment I couldn't feel my hands, a sign that a panic attack was kicking in, I asked myself "How did I get here?" I had spent a relaxing Saturday at home and perfect plans laid out for today, Sunday. "Why are you here again, Pat?" At times like this, I despise myself for not being strong enough to get my shit together. A relapse as they call it. I've been doing so well for so long without seeking medical attention but here I am again.
"You're weak, Pat! You are!" whispered a voice in my head.
I used to believe that people choose to die, but last night, I knew I didn't choose to die. I was sick; I've been sick for a long time only to find out a pat on the back and some random "You'll be okay!" wouldn't convince me to live just for another day. I couldn't think clearly. All I could remember was my pain, hatred, and disappointment. All thoughts from the past struggles I had to face kept repeating like a broken record. I tried picturing how the world would look like without me in it and it turned out, I don't matter. People will grieve and sooner, they'll move on with their own lives.
It was dark; all the lights shut off. I wanted to burst into a loud cry but that would wake up my parents, so I allowed my tears to flow freely like unstoppable waves in silence. In minutes, I drenched my pillows and blankets but who cares? Each time I drew a line deeper one after the other, I felt relieved. I wanted people to know I was hurting and I was hurting so bad it didn't make sense to live.
What I realized from last night's breakdown is that no matter how the people around us say "We get what you're feeling!" Truth be told, they will never understand how dark and lonely it can get when you face your demons. They cheer you up but that's it. I'm sorry JI I didn't get you back then but now I know how lonely you were that moment. I wished I could've hugged you tight.
I don't know where to begin again. For now, I will live one day at a time and try to find things I should live for
.
Hey, Pat!
I am so incredibly sorry to hear about your friend's tragic and heartbreaking decision. 😔 I lost loved ones before. I won't say I know where you're coming from, but, I do understand that it's a devastating loss that no amount of words can ever fully express or heal.
I believe we're all no strangers to feeling lonely at times. During this unimaginably difficult time, I think what we can hold on to is knowing that we are not alone. Chances are, there are people who are going through similar emotions.
And what I believe, is that, there are people who genuinely care and want to support you through this pain. So, maybe reach out to your loved ones or even seek professional help if you feel it would be beneficial. And something even talking to strangers about it might give you unexpected comfort (based on my experience). After all, sometimes it's in the unfamiliar that we find the greatest solace.
...and oh, before I forget. I want to thank you for sharing this online. It takes incredible strength to open up about loneliness, which I believe is a topic that can often be difficult and stigmatized.
By doing so, you're not only helping yourself cope with your own emotions but also inspiring others who may be silently battling similar struggles. I think your vulnerability and honesty create a safe space for others to connect, relate, and find solace in knowing they're not alone. And sharing our experiences is a powerful way to break down the barriers of loneliness and foster a sense of belonging. You are making a positive impact. I am not just saying this to cheer you up, well, a part of it, maybe, but I truly admire your courage.
Remember that in moments of profound darkness, there is still some light. Hold onto the memories and the beautiful moments you shared with your friend, and understand that it's okay to feel overwhelmed and lonely. And take the time you need to grieve, but never let your overwhelming emotions take control. You are truly not alone.
Gi
I was always judged against my cousin. She was amazing. All A's. Always in sports and dancing. Absolutely gorgeous.
And the entire family put her on a pedestal.
One night her problems overwhelmed her. That inner voice became too loud and she hung herself.
The second she went too far, is when she ended up fighting for herself. She ended up hurting herself so much in trying to save herself.
Never again didn't anyone in the family compare her and her accomplishments against others.
You want to let people know. Let us be there. We might not make it better. But we can be there with and for you.
Keep your head up. Keep fighting to be alive. There's a special blessing coming your way.
In the native American way we believe this world is here to be endured. That it and our existence isn't promised to be positive. That this world is pain and to expect that. And to find comfort in the small moments. With friends and family.
To endure is to become stronger. And to be stronger we have to tell others when we are hurting.
May you find your peace and happiness. I think you have done something amazing. Just admitting that you are down and hurting is a huge step.
Wow, I never knew this about your background. That must have been incredibly difficult for you and your entire family. I can see why this touches you so deeply. It's so essential to recognize the signs of distress on time... before something irreversible like this happens.
Great comment, thanks man. I hope Pat will find comfort in your words.
So sorry to hear about your struggles dear @patsitivity and about your friend.
First of all I send you a bigggg !HUG
You are not alone, reach out if you need to my friend.
As you write you had medical help before, maybe this is the time to reach out again. There is help.
Try to do exactly that for now; one day at a time… you are worth living.
Find things to do… writing this already helps and I know it takes a lot of courage. Maybe write a bit more, set yourself some tasks.
Even when your thoughts are occupying your mind and saying things, hold on to happy memories. Your travels, joys in your life.
We all feel like this sometimes, believe me. You are not alone.
Stay strong my friend.
@littlebee4, sorry!
You are out of hugs for today.
You can call the HUG bot a maximum of 3 per day.
The current call limits are:
Sorry to know that Pat.. I exactly know what you feel.. I've been there just recently..
If there's a cause of death that I don't like, that is suicide.. Many are hoping to live longer, but it seems easy for others to take their own lives..🥲
Wherever your friend is right now, that was his decision..
May he rest in peace..
First of all, I'll send you a! Strong HUG. I know how hard it is to have those dark thoughts and the path of effort you have made to get out of there. That's why you already know that you are strong, so much that you endured until you broke.
It is positive that you allow yourself to cry and that you have written down what afflicts you. Writing does not solve but it helps to download and relieve.
You yourself know how to help you: one day at a time. There is neither the past for which you punish yourself nor the future that has not happened and no one knows if we will be in it. If you need medical help, go back to her. If it helps you to talk to someone who listens/reads to you without judging you or giving you false cheers, you just have to mention me and I will come as soon as I can.
Take good care of yourself, you are the most important thing in your life. ♥️
Well Pat, I'll tell you one thing: I'm glad that you made it through the night long enough to share with us today! It's clear that you've been through an extremely difficult night - sometimes everything just seems to come together simultaneously and pour all over you.
It's something that only those who have endured could understand, and even so, it's unique to every single individual. Nobody's "relapse" is the same. It's so important that you not only survived it, but recognized it early enough to take the next steps to move forward. It's something that you tragically saw happen with your friend... and by more than pure chance, you held on to the strength to carry on. You're still here for a reason.
Even though it may not seem like it, I want you to remember that you do matter. Yes, we can take the nihilistic view that nothing we do in this life matters in the grand scheme of the universe; but, on the other hand, our own little universe is all that we have. Your presence has undoubtedly impacted some other little universes out there in a positive way, a way that would not exist if you weren't around. I want you to remember that any time that you ever doubt your own relevance. Naturally, so that I'm not a hypocrite, I'll do the very same thing in such times. I'll count on you to do it, and you count on me.
Now, you mentioned all those various troubles that came together in mind. Are there specific ones that you can write about? Maybe that will help you work through them so that they won't suddenly bite the same way they did this time around.