A lot of stuff has been going on lately. I have a new girlfriend but I'm not sure if its meant to be. I have been adjusting to my new work location and I have had two very strong mushroom trips in the last two weeks.
So, I have been dating this girl Nancy for a few weeks now. She is nice. She cooks me dinner and seems to be quite taken by me. She is pretty. The sex is good and frequent. Butt stuff is on the table. It feels good to fall asleep, naked, next to her in her small apartment. Sadly, its not all as prefect as that sounds. She doesn't smoke weed and she has never done psychedelics and I get the sense that she judges me for my love of those things.
She and I are very different in our views and backgrounds and I wonder if that will be a source of conflict. The day after a six and a half gram mushroom trip, I accompanied Nancy, to her sisters house. I find that I don't fit in well with her family and friends. They are drinkers and mostly Spanish speakers and I am neither. Nancy and her friend Karen (who I do actually like) accompanied me outside when I went to smoke a cigarette and some weed while I took a break from the noise and activity inside. While we were chatting, the door to the house across the street swung open and the sound of yelling and barking dogs poured into the night. Next came a man running out and behind him a large woman with no shirt, braw, or pants. He quickly hopped onto his car and she slipped on a rock and face planted in the drive way, making a dull thud and a slurred cry as she hit the ground. I laughed while Nancy and her friend looked on with horror. The lady picked herself up, yelled something in drunk speech, took five steps, and slipped and fell on her face a second time. I laughed harder. Finally, the woman got to her feet for real and took off running up the street, titties out and everything, disappearing into the darkness. I couldn't be more amused but Nancy asked if we should call the police.
The most significant events recently were my two big trips. I took seven grams and then six and a half grams of good mushrooms about a week apart; both doses were accompanied by excessive edible consumption and holy fucking shit, things got weird. Like, it got visionary weird, it got writhing around naked and sweating weird, it got talking with the mushroom god weird, and it even got laughing uncontrollably during sex weird.
Nancy wanted to serve as a sober sitter during the first trip. I had originally decided to make tea with five grams and Nancy watched as I drank it with two double dose weed cookies. We retired to the room and put on a movie. The mushrooms arrived and I was tripping too hard to look at the TV. I closed my eyes and saw peacock feather patterns. She was close and warm and even though I was tripping hard (peaking, I think), I got hard too. She climbed on top of me and rode me for what felt like hours. The tracers at that point were so vivid that she seemed to be in five locations at once. She came a lot and made a lot of noise which set me off on a laughing fit. Luckily, she didn't hear me over her moans and the TV because I can only imagine that my chuckles would have been bad for her self-esteem. I was tripping too hard to cum, sadly, so she got her fill after half an hour (in real world time), rolled off exhausted, and passed out; leaving me to my own devices. I ate the other two grams along with two more cookies and a dropper full of strong CBD about three hours after the tea and went to lie in the quiet dark room next to Nancy.
I closed my eyes but I couldn't sleep. I saw a bunch of crazy shit over the next few hours. One thing that stands out was this image that looked like teeth with a waterfall of color pouring out of it. There was a bunch of other stuff that looked like day of the dead patterns too.
The next trip was the trippier one. I decided that I wanted another strong dose but I wanted to take it all at once. This time, I drank tea made with four and a half grams and ate the remaining two grams along with three of the same two dose cookies as before.
The trip came on like a sudden violent storm. I attempted to play some music on YouTube but I couldn't focus. It had been only twenty minutes and I was tripping hard during what was essentially the come up. I worried for a moment. I thought, "what if I have a bad trip? What if I think about my doubts with Nancy or my recent messy breakup with Ashley?" A friendly voice that didn't seem to come from me spoke in my mind. It said "don't worry about those bitches. I'm about to teach you about fucking space, and reality, and shit."
I went to my dark room and put on music. I sweated and saw things. In the darkness, I saw an even darker form. It was like smoke but blacker than black. It came upon me and took me into it where it was filled with life. Bright red and blue diamonds tumbled past. I saw gears. Then a structure that looked like a giant complex gray flower. I tried to enter it but it pushed me away. The music became tiresome and I took out my headphones. I said in my mind, "Okay Mr. Mushrooms, what do you want to talk about?"
He answered in words and strange visionary hallucinations. It is hard to remember a lot of it, though. I remember not exactly seeing but also more than just imagining two figures at either side of me. To my right was a sleeping woman in the garb of an ancient worrier or hunter. To my left was a fleshy four legged scorpion. The woman was enticing but the monster drew my attention. I did not fear it. Instead it was a strange affection and pity that I felt for the creature. Later, I heard the voice from the beginning accompanied by swirling closed eye visuals. It told me stuff about space, gods, and reality. It told me that the universe is not the end of existence but that is part of something that is itself, part of something else. I asked if it was a god. It said yes but that the question meaningless because our conceptions of what a god is are incorrect but did not elaborate. It went off on a tangent about how matter can be conceptionalized as a form of information. That the atoms that make up everything are a code comprised of 1's, 0's, and -1's and that these codes can be read remotely. I did not understand fully and I struggle to recall most of it, sadly.
After five hours, I felt normal enough to stand. I was in fact still tripping hard enough that if I had taken a recreational dose of two or three grams, I would have called it my peak. Anyway. I smoked a cigarette and smoked a bowl. Everything had felt so real but normality and doubt were creeping into my mind. Had I spoken with something or was I speaking with myself. Did it matter? Does it make the understanding, or at least the new ways of conceptionalizing reality any less valuable?
And what of the woman and the monster? I'm still trying to unpack that one. If the vision come from me what does it say about me? If it came from the mushroom god what then?
All the images in this post are taken from unsplash.com.