For several months now misery has been telling me how much she loves my company and really wants us to take things to the next level, and for more or less the exact same number of months give or take a few moments of weakness here and there I’ve been telling her that I’m flattered thanks but unfortunately not available for anything serious at this time. After a long string of initially promising but ultimately disastrous relationships with the likes of despair, fear, doubt, god, optimism, et aliae I think I've finally learned my lesson. I'm just happier by myself, you see, and I'd really rather not have to bother with thinking too much about committing to things like love and life and happiness, and anyway for what it's worth I suspect that death would be a much better bedfellow than all of the aforementioned regardless of whether you're just looking for fun or actually want an LTR. The other day I was talking with one of the few people who still consider themselves my friends despite the fact that it's common knowledge I'm highly accomplished in the dark art of burning bridges in broad daylight, and most of our conversation involved me trying to convince her that no I wasn't joking when I said I hate people because yes I really do hate people. We eventually arrived at a point in the discussion where she feigned to acknowledge my all-consuming disdain for every member of the human race and then she hit me kind of right out of left field with the following question:
"If you really hate everyone and everything so much, then is there anything that would actually make you happy?"
To be fair I suppose that's not an unfair question for the sort of person who likes to align with society, and if it wasn't for the affair I'm currently having with substance abuse I'm fairly certain I would've been able to offer an acceptably fair-weather response to her, but the truth is that beer is a demanding mistress and apparently the two of us passed out on the couch together right in the middle of me trying and failing to provide said answer to said friend. Tthe next day when I once again surprised myself by actually waking up again the beer was gone as per our usual agreement and there was a note from my friend on the endtable that said I should please give her a call when I came to, so I immediately got up off the couch and went over to the telephone and made a note of her note on the to-do list I've got taped to the wall next to the telephone because I've got way more important things to do right now than calling one of my only remaining friends to let her know I'm still alive, such as writing out this quick little bullet list of things that would actually make me happy in light of my hating everyone and everything as previously established:
- One (1) small fully furnished and soundproofed log cabin fitted with propane, solar, well, refrigeration, satellite internet, shower/tub, and composting toilet/bidet;
- Ten thousand (10,000) acres of private Colorado Rocky Mountain property entirely landlocked by National Forest and wilderness areas upon which to place said cabin;
- One (1) continuous 100' wide x 100' deep dry moat filled with briar patches, razor wire, and land mines encircling said property;
- Two (2) continuous 50' high x 25' thick stone walls coinciding with the inner and outer banks of said moat;
- Two (2) Bluetooth-enabled iron gates;
- One (1) Bluetooth-enabled iron drawbridge;
- One (1) very rough and narrow 4WD dirt access road with switchbacks and choke points that increase exponentially per mile as said road approaches said property;
- One (1) fully spec'd and armored blue Toyota Land Cruiser with plasma cannon;
- One (1) Beretta 1301 tactical shotgun with unlimited shells;
- One (1) quaint mountain town about an hour downvalley with grocery store, coffee shop, liquor store, and a variety of very attractive vices and follies always available for casual encounters at said cabin;
- One (1) good dog;
- At least nine (9) extra lives;
- Ten (10) bucks says ninety-five (95) percent of people who upvoted this content didn't read it, and;
- A one-million (1,000,000) dollar advance from Penguin or equivalent book publisher for writing the next NYT bestselling memoir.
That's really about it. I'm sure you probably noticed I made no mention of zipline, ski lift, or helicopter in the above list, but that's not an error of omission on my part, as I'm a simple man and quite simply have no interest in or time for such frivolities. I think you'd have to be pretty fucking miserable to include anything like that on your list of things that would actually make you happy.
Nobody reads shit on here, ain't nobody told you? Those walls would just fuck up the view, what you really need is a phalanx. And heroin. Nothing says happy quite like floating on dopamine.
You're right, I need a phalanx too. And a battleship to put it on.
!PIZZA
I see you did mention a road to the town and so on, but overall this really made me think of one of those incidents where someone forgets to build the exit point. A story something like this:
There once was an old man who loved gold. The bones stuck out in his cheeks and his fingertips were bloodied from the meals replaced with fingernails. The gnawing at his fingers was in response to the gnawing in his mind. I must protect the gold. I must protect the gold. The thieves, the robbers, the swindlers - I can hear them pacing, planning, preparing! And so the old man found the most isolated, the most lonely, the most friendless stretch of forest on his continent, and there he built his fort. As the last brick was pushed into place and he brushed at the dried mortar clinging to his fingers, he released a long, deep sigh. The thieves, the robbers, and the swindlers could not be heard for miles around, and none could break through his fortress. His anxiety was gone, and he lost the desire to gnaw at his fingernails. Suddenly, his stomach growled. And that's when he realized it: he had made no door.
And so he starves to death. There, now doesn't that ending make you happy? Knowing you, I'm sure it does ;)
It's perfect! :) Now where is this fort full of gold with a dead man in it? I'd like to go and, uhhhhhhh, make sure no thieves have disturbed it.
!PIZZA
I could tell you, but I think the journey involved in figuring that out will properly prepare you for all the booby-traps when you get there.
Assumes meditative position and whispers wisely It is the journey, not the destination.
Oh I see. It's one of those treasures.
Yes. I've just got this image of us opening the same treasure and it is all potpourri scented and I'm all like oh how lovely and your like what the hell?
Yeah that's probably more or less how it would go 😁
These are really great photos, thanks for sharing. Don't forget to vote for DRAKOS for witness.
I hate you. 🖤
Thanks. Who's Drakos and what's a witness? They're not planning to lay siege to my fortified mountain cabin property are they?
!PIZZA
Only if you click the link. But you get 300 HIVE if you do, and you could probably put that toward the moat.
Oh yeah-- I wanted to make a suggestion for your list. I was thinking it might help to change "At least nine (9) extra lives" to "At least nine (9) extra livers." That way you can abuse substances for at least nine (9) extra lifetimes. A little more attainable than feline immortality.
Just something to consider.
I guess I just assumed each extra life included an extra liver and all of the other parts too. I probably should have done more research before writing this research paper.
I can't wait to get my first comment about voting for Drakos. It's going to be a fun time.
Oh yeah, I guess that makes sense. The extra livers couldn't hurt, though.
Sadly, it's pretty boring. They don't respond to comments, plus an arcangel swoops in and ruins all the fun by telling you something you already knew.
Do I get that 10 bucks then? Because I belong to the top 5%?
No, already I spent those 10 bucks on beer. Thanks for reading though! Would you like a !BEER ?
Thanks for the awesome refreshment.
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