Memoir
/ˈmemˌwär/ noun. a record of events written by a person having intimate knowledge of them and based on personal observation. Usually memoirs. an account of one's personal life and experiences; autobiography. the published record of the proceedings of a group or organization, as of a learned society.
It’s already week eight!
For all of those who’ve regularly participated in Memoir Monday - keep going, you’re making great progress in crafting your very own life story for future generations to enjoy.
For those who missed the inaugural post explaining what the Memoir Monday initiative is all about you can find it here.
This week’s Memoir Monday question:
If you had the chance to do it all over, what would you do differently?
My answer:
I’ve been very lucky in my life and don’t have many regrets so far. If I had a chance to do it all over again there would be a few things I’d do differently.
Number one is, I’d concentrate on being my authentic self when I was a teenager. From elementary school through my freshman year in high school I was the stereotypical nerd - skinny, straight A’s, very shy, thick glasses. I absolutely thrived in the classroom environment, was rigidly regimented, and was a great rule follower.
Around the end of my freshman year our neighborhood and schools were quickly taking a turn for the worse due to the 1980’s crack cocaine epidemic. In a very short period of time the school I attended, Eastmoor High School, became overrun with gangs, guns, drugs, and violence. School became a very dangerous place to be and the authorities refused to acknowledge there was a problem. The halls and classrooms of Eastmoor became more like a prison environment. The teachers spent more time trying to keep order in the classes than they did teaching.
Around the end of the ninth grade I started getting bullied. I was an easy target. Out of either self-preservation or just wanting to be liked and fit in (probably both), I made up my mind during the end of the ninth grade that this wasn’t how my high school experience was going to be. I began lifting weights for hours a day, loading up on calories, and got contact lenses. I also started spending more time with a different (more popular) group of friends. Most of these people wouldn’t have given the old, nerdy version of me the time of day.
The summer before the tenth grade I gained about twenty-five pounds of muscle (and kept gaining). I changed the way I dressed and forced myself to come out of my shell. When the new school year started in the fall of 1986 some people I’d gone to school with for almost our entire childhood didn’t recognize me. Coincidentally, the Beastie Boys album, Licensed to Ill, was released that autumn and it became our anthem. We crashed college parties on Ohio State University’s campus and school dances dressed like b-boys (track suits, shell toe Adidas shoes, Kangols, Cazal glasses, and gold chains). It’s ridiculous when I think about it now. That was the year I lost touch with nearly all of my old friends.
Up until that point I was on the on the college prep track and, with my grades, would have easily gotten a full scholarship at a good college. During my tenth grade year I began cutting classes, breaking rules, getting into trouble, and did just enough course work to pass. I stopped getting bullied and became more “popular” but in doing so I changed the entire trajectory of my young adult life and academic future.
I had a whole a lot of fun those last three years of high school - college parties, dating, drinking, and exploring all the facets of this exciting new world in which, I still felt like I wasn’t truly a part of. I skipped school over a hundred days in my senior year. To this day, think it was a miracle that I managed to graduate. I imagine some school administrator saw my previous academic performance and must have taken pity on me.
I often wonder how different things would have turned out if I hadn’t gone through this radical transition or understood that I didn’t have to change the entirety of who I was to feel accepted. This is something I would never do again.
Many of these popular new friends I made in high school have ended up with lives of mediocrity, struggle, and misery. It seems like those high school years are when many of their lives peaked. Some classmates have even spent time in prison, homeless, had addiction issues, or died prematurely. I was lucky, those three years of “fun” ended up just making my life harder for a little while. I eventually found success later in life but it took longer, required much more work/struggle, and was less traditional than it otherwise would have been.
It wasn’t all bad. As history shows us, being a rule follower isn’t always the best attribute to have. I still went to college but had to work full time and pay my tuition as I went. I did gain a lot of knowledge about human dynamics, psychology, and how the world really works during those three years of carefree foolishness. I became more social, confident, comfortable with taking risks, and extroverted. I’ve carried these traits with me through my life. This probably would have taken a lot longer otherwise and have ended up benefiting me tremendously in life.
As the old saying goes, everything we do in life comes with a cost. The price I paid for those three years of fun and acceptance were my old friendships. To this day I still think about and miss some of my old friends, now they’re just memories and names from the past - Kevin Gales, Chris Amand, Sean Moneypenny, Jeff Dickens. Turning my back on these friendships is my biggest regret. Some of these people have gone on to lead happy, very successful lives and the thought of this makes me smile. I’m connected with a few of them on social media but others have no digital footprint whatsoever so they’re lost to the past. Still, I wonder about them and reminisce about the time we spent together.
The second thing I would do differently is I would be more choosey about the people I place my trust in. Looking back, I have a bad habit of occasionally trusting the wrong people and being blinded to red flags by charisma. This has caused me some great disappointment, frustration, and hardship. I’ve gotten much better at this one in middle age.
Lastly, I would have been more cognizant of establishing boundaries within relationships and not be so willing to sacrifice my own wants, needs, and goals for the sake of others. This is a behavior that I’ve become aware of in the last few decades and learned to put into practice. I’m still working on this and probably will be my entire life. I’m convinced that establishing and enforcing healthy boundaries in our relationships is one of the most valuable skills to have if we want to achieve personal happiness, peace, and fulfillment in life.
I’ve learned the best thing about this journey is most decisions are not irreversible and life often isn’t a zero sum game. Except for very few instances we’re the masters of our own destinies and not victims of circumstances. Most mistakes can be corrected, we learn and become better humans but before we do this we must be aware of and acknowledge these mistakes. We can and should be consciously changing ourselves as we live and learn. Sadly, sometimes it’s just not possible to reclaim some of the things we’ve lost along the way.
Rules for Memoir Monday Participation
- Please reblog this first post and share on other social platforms so we cast the widest net possible for this initiative;
- Pictures paint a thousand words. Include pictures in your posts if you have them;
- Answer each Memoir Monday prompt question in your own post. The prompt question will be published each Monday but you'll have the entire week to answer and publish your own post;
- Have fun with it, don't worry about getting behind, or jumping into the project at any point after we've begun; and
- Lastly, be sure to include the tag #memoirmonday.
It's that simple.
At the end of the next twelve months we'll have created something immensely valuable together. It's so important to know our "whys" in life and there's no better way to do that than this.
Someday all that will be left of our existence are memories of us, our deeds, and words. It's up to you to leave as rich of a heritage as possible for future generations to learn from. So, go ahead, tell your stories. I can't wait to read them.
Be well and make the most of this day. I want to sincerely thank all of the participants thus far. I've really enjoyed reading your posts!
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Funny, but a part of your story reminds me so much of my younger son during school years. I'm so glad that you found your niche, in more ways than one, and helping make the world a better place at the same time!
This is going to be a tough one.
Did your son's grades take a dip too?
Thank you! Success happened about 25 years later than it would of otherwise would but, as they say, everything happens for a reason. I really believe that. I probably would have ended up as either in medicine or in computer science if I stayed on my original path. I enjoyed writing but didn't think I'd be able to make a career of it.
This prompt brought up some old, uncomfortable, memories for me but it's all part of my journey.
It did, he was bullied because of envy as he is talented, is beautiful inside and outside, way too kind hearted. He became depressed and started body-building while at school. The gym owners are an awesome couple, and helped him a lot. He never finished his diploma, failed only one subject! Long sad story, he lost a special friend to suicide, he was her best friend for over 8 years, he was devastated. Her Mom still keeps contact with us both. Thankfully, he's in a much better head space now...
Both my boys are super special souls.
I'm glad the was able to find that outlet (body-building) to make himself feel better. It really helped me but I took it to the extreme. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of his friend! That would be a very difficult thing to have to go through. It sounds like you raised your boys right!
Thank you Eric, they both had wonderful unique personalities from a young age, I'm very proud of them 🥰
Oh man, how different things were for me losing in the country during my high school years! I actually got perfect attendance all four years of high school. Didn't have a single unexcused absence. Won $50 because of it. One thing I would definitely change is my relationships. I put a lot of time and effort into relationships that really weren't worth it. They all let me here and I love my wife of course, but I just feel like I wasted so much time.
That's pretty impressive! When I was younger I hated missing school. Kindergarten through 8th grade actually wasn't that bad at all. There was still order in the schools and some great teachers. Everything collapsed so quickly (1-2 years) it was almost hard to believe. We saw almost the exact same thing happen here in St. Paul after 2020.
I'm of the same philosophy, really. Everything that happens to us and the sum of our decisions lead us to where we are today but it's difficult to think about the wasted time.
Have you seen the new Bon Jovi documentary on Hulu? We just watched it and I was thinking about how much you might like it.
We just started watching it tonight! Loving it so far. I never really appreciated Bon Jovi the way I do now since my wife loves them! I'm always a bit touchy when it comes to public education given my closeness to it, but I have been lucky to attend a small country school, then work at the same school for a while and finally my current place. Graduating classes sit right around 120 kids in both of those I mentioned, so I can imagine it is a totally different world compared to big city schools.
We finished it in two nights. It was great to get the background and history of the band. I was never much of a fan when I was younger but ended up buying a few of their songs after watching the series. I'm sure it was like a different world in your school. I sometimes wish I had that experience.
We still have two more episodes to go plus the special that was on last night with Michael Strahan. Their new single Limitless is good and while we appreciate the message in their more recent stuff, we have both agreed that we like his older stuff more. It's interesting to see how much he has struggled with his voice and the work he puts into it. Everything up to What About Now is just fantastic.
I would agree about the older music being better. My wife just watched the Michael Strahan special. They really seem to be building hype for an upcoming tour. I haven't seen an official announcement but wouldn't be at all surprised.
It wouldn't surprise me either. Especially given it is the fortieth anniversary. You should see the special edition watch they have for sale. It's pretty sweet, but costs close to $30k.
How are you dear friend @ericvancewalton good morning
This is an excellent question, it will be very interesting to elaborate on it.
I appreciate that you share your life experience and the things you miss from the past, like those old friends, who luckily have contact with some of them through social networks.
I take this opportunity to wish you a happy start to the week.
Thank you! All is well so far, the leaves are appearing on the trees and the early flowers are coming up. It was an easy winter this year but a very long one. I wish you a wonderful week!
I don't know why, these school and collages don't accept their mistakes. may be they just don't want to give up on the reputation they made, the same happen when you were in school and they didn't acknowledged the bad happening there, which surely has a bad effect on the students life. You look cute in your 9th grade picture btw.
Thanks! For us it was more the city leadership that refused to admit the problem. Like most U.S. cities it's even worse now than it was back in the 1980s.
We all can't change the past. I think your past was quite pleasant and now you have an established life. God bless you, Eric.
Thank you Eliana! God bless you and your family!
I think at that time in school you did the right thing. In those harsh conditions the first thing was to survive and to do that you had to present yourself as a stronger and bolder boy. I had problems because I was always the smallest and the big boys would play practical jokes on me.
With this topic you give me the opportunity to reflect on some mistakes I made in my years as a young man. Happy day dear @ericvancewalton . A big hug from Maracay.
Translated with DeepL.com (free version)
Thank you my friend! I think we all do the best we can in the moment. It's easy to look back and have regrets but the younger me just saw the world differently. I'm looking forward to your entry this week!
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The story of school life captivates the heart. Those days are really beautiful
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So interesting write up. From naive to boldness and from.an introvert to extrovert. Lookong back, you do have a good lot of experience. So many things that we do in childhood, we might regret, but after many years, while looking back we will know how fun it was . I too finish my high school in 1989. But it was scary to hear about the cocaine part in school, a terrified time it should. Should appreciate your protective teachers.
Good morning @ericvancewalton. The truth is that adolescence is a stage of transition and confusion where we can lose opportunities without realizing it. I think a large part of them lies in the fact that we convince ourselves that our time is infinite and we do not measure consequences. However, what we have experienced is always valid, it allows us to look at the past and be grateful for who we are today. Greetings.
Haha, we had some similar characteristics. I can say that I would have tried to be more enterprising and challanger person.
At the time of school, every child tries to take more vacations from school and sleep peacefully all day, but then we don't realize the mistakes we are making or the problems we will face in the future. And we spend our school life in the same way and time is passing very fast nowadays and then when we are wiser we realize that what the school teacher used to say at that time is the real life. What we have to go through now, if only we had listened to their words at that time, we would have been in a better place than where we are now.
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