Living in the burbs can be a curious thing. It's like a weird alternate universe and it can drive you to terrible dark things!
I have spent all my life apart from the last few years living in the heart of the city in a selection of flats/apartments usually in a communal block with some 8 or 9 other people. The crazy places I have stayed all have their associated crazy stories. But perhaps none go as wild far, as now. When I find myself now...
The story started simply enough. We had a kid, got a house with a garden out in the burbs as lots of people do. The thing we love most about our house could be said to be the garden. It's awesome.
Our neighbours too, are all fantastic people. Which in turn has led to our first world problem of trying not to offend them because they are so nice by planting something to block them out.
Does that sound mean?
To fill you in. There we were in our lovely, lovely garden. It is ringed with high hedges on every side except for the back which has a big ole 8 foot high fence. Our garden, therefore, is completely private. Obviously, for all the arcane shit we get up to. Well alright then, me taking my top off and getting my nipples out when its sunny :O)
Last year our nice friendly neighbours decided to get decking in their garden. Decking. Planks of wood all over your lovely grass. I think it is a particularly British thing, I could be wrong, please tell if I am?
I thought nothing of this, there was much sawing and hammering from their garden. The next day the sun popped out and I relaxed in a garden chair. My shy nipples peeking out anxiously at the sun. I reassured them softly that it was ok, no-one could see.
Alright Mate! Boomed my neighbour towering over the back fence. It appeared as if he was wearing stilts. The fence which used to lord over us both, now only coming up to his stomach on his side.
Eh, Alright mate I replied, thinking that shouting WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS GOING ON HERE might be a tad extreme.
A conversation followed in which he demonstrated his decking which for some insane reason seemed to be built some 4 foot high above his grass.
I staggered into the house. My torso aching with the violent retraction of my poor little nips. What to do? Our private sanctum had been violated. The days that followed later were an endless parade of conversations over the fence. All I wanted was to sit in the relative silence and peace of my garden. But no, it was not to be. I had to come up with some kind of plan.
I locked myself away in my man cave and thought long and hard, Days later, gaunt and unshaven I emerged with a plan. I couldn't just plant a big giant tree because my ingrained Britishness thinks it terribly rude if I just overtly put something there to block them out. So instead
I bought bamboo seeds, phylostachys nigra to be precise which can grow to a staggering 4 metres in height. In the dead of the night I planted about fifty million of them all along the back fence. My plan? For it to grow gradually into an impenetrable shield and for me to act so very surprised when it did. A bit like Hugh Grant when the polees caught him with that lady of the night.
Fast forward a year, the beast at the back has now thrust several canes out of the earth as wide as my forefinger, they seem to be visibly getting taller and look kinda mean. Within two weeks of appearing, they are now chest height. Some people have warned me that this kind of bamboo is a ferocious spreader and that it will take over my garden and my house and everyone in it.
Despite being slightly frightened by the triffid like nature of its growth. So be it.
Am I wrong? Will the bamboo eventually sneak in and body snatch me in the middle of the night?
Have I unleashed a monster?
Should I just have manned up and bought a big giant fucking tree?
Time to get a pet panda?
@shayne
I think it might. What if it went over to his side and just sat on his decking muching the tops so they could still cheerily yodel at us though? :O)
i hope you're kiddin - ya know its a grass right - it'd spread runners man :D
but then you can have a lot of sticks for BBQ this summah
i saw your garden - at least it looks more private than ours
ours is next to a parking pretty busy and sometimes
we can't enjoy lunch or dinner in there cause some cars drive on diesel and the owner
decides to stay in the car while his wifey do the groceries in the store
and the guy turns his aircon on so diesel and all lingers till there
luckily - we put up camera in it so these days not much pips park :D
There might have been slightly less than fifty million and I may have propogated a fewof them in pots first before unleashing them :O)
It's seriously hard to grow from seed. I got a strike rate of about 6%
I love the privacy, I was gutted when it was gone hence my nuclear option but dont worry, I have looked into it and have the confidence! :O)
I hate it when people leave the engine on and they just sit there!
Hahaha, the bamboo is coming to get you...sounds like a children's horror story! Hm, I want to say yes to your last question simply for how it was asked. Yes, you should have bought a big fucking tree. lol, fun. ;)
I know that now, a big Oak our pine or something. Maybe with fruit. That would have been grand!!
If the bamboo man gets me it will come for you next ;0)
Actually that's true, if something happened to you it would definitely effect me...(see what I did there, turned that into something sweet awwww)
Aw you did, you are a gem that's why!
Somewhere there is a dude wondering, "Should I have manned up and just bought some fucking bamboo?"
.
Good Luck NatureBoom!
Now I love that thought! Here's hoping there really is that man somewhere!!
You can't trust bamboo. Watch your back!
.....and lastly, cardboard cut-outs of his head, impaled onto of the bamboo canes.
I am starting to think so now I have seen the horrifyingly villainous looking canes that are shooting up. I am tempted to cry out WHAT HAVE I DONE!
First of all... dude, you rake in the steem! When did that happen?
Second, I lifted the corner of my concrete slab and cinder block house by planting bamboo to close. Totally ruined the house, but I sold it to a predatory real estate flipper back in the boom, so I feel no guilt.
Yeah, the one good thing I can say is that it is as far from my house as possible. I am going to keep an eye on it though!! :0)
I have just kept on posting through thick and thin! I think my animations have helped build some followers too
I think what ever success I have had so far was mostly when I was consistent. Which says something I don't want to hear right now.
The price of steem going up has made a fair impact to posts too!!
I'm so out of touch. But I did power down before I left, so I had some ready cash sitting here. About enough to pay off my credit cards. So Yay!
In that case you have won! I hope you got the price when it spiked!
Pretty close. Even after double fees it was close to 1:1
I think you're fine adopting the bamboo approach. ..
I'm sorry @meesterboom, I had every intention of making a serious contribution to this post but I'm struggling to get over the hilarity of
Good laugh mate!
Hehe, I am glad you liked that bit. I wanted to put them in in a non not safe for work kind of way! Hehe. Smart username btw!!
I hope you're not charged with releasing some kind of invasive species upon a defenseless suburban utopia.
I will deny all.... Oh, blockchain!! Dash it!! :0)
Our neighbours got in a landscape gardener and did a lovely job job on their garden, they also put extra drainage into their garden. Their garden became a beautiful dry oasis of tranquility , our garden became a dank swamp of mud, (the drainage pointed into our garden).
Following tried and trusted good neighbour tactics...we just left the house and never said a word.
Good luck with the bamboo :-)
Ooft, that's grim. Typical though!! Bassas!! I have more confidence in the bamboo now!
I remember a bit of a show where they were going to kill a guy. They staked him down over a bamboo plant and it was meant to pierce him. You might think of that if you feel something poking you through your mattress at night!
Haha, that's right I think I have heard of that! Jings, every little niggle will have new keeping out of bed!!
Good idea
It's working well. The canes are taller than me since that post was written!
It's cool. I have the solution. Edinburgh Zoo has a couple of pandas. They eat bamboo. I know a guy who can get you one panda for £50.
I'll take two. Maybe next year! lol!
Bamboo!!!!
😂
I have gone nuclear! :O)
Decking the garden is pretty awful, I agree, especially as it's elevated, but ripping up the entire lawn only to replace it with astro-turf, as a neighbour on my estate has done, really is sacrilege.
Perhaps you could one-up him by also astro-turfing the back fence, but only so it's visible on his side? Maybe attach a cardboard cut-out replica of yourself dressed in scarecrow garms too, again, only outwardly facing from your side to his?
These are just ideas for now, hmmm, give me some more time, we'll have this fella sorted out proper!
Oh I have another tale! They chopped down all the magnificent pine trees they had. Which fair enough, it's their garden they can do as they wish but they have left the naked trunks just standing there, some twenty foot high, about six of them!
Astroturf is an awful looking thing! I like your thinking on the scarecrow thing! Thats the way to go potentially!
And hello Minereum neighbour! :O)
Great to bash heads on this one my fellow minereum matey.
I can source some astro-turf at trade prices if you're interested, but they only stock it in ocean blue?
They deserve a real eye-sore for doing that to those trees, especially considering what they replaced them with.
Good grief, there is actually such a thing. Blue!?! But why would anyone even create such a thing!! I am sore tempted, it's like a scorched earth policy!! ;0D
Do it, do it, do it , do it ;)
My own eyes couldn't take it!!
That's when you know you're onto a winner! 🤣
You need to stop wearing your shirt whenever you go out into the garden. Then purchase a speedo to wear during your new backyard yoga sessions. Make him wish he never built that thing. He will be the one planting deadly bamboo on his side.
We have a fence around our entire yard made of vertical wooden boards that are constantly coming loose and falling off. My wife instantly senses that the perimeter has been breached and demands that I go out and hammer it back up. Apparently packs of wild dogs are waiting to run wild over our vast estate. Sounds like I need to go get some bamboo.
I will let you know in that case how the bamboo goes in a few months. That's if it hasn;t subsumed me and my family by then!
It's a new fence we have. the old one was doing exactly like yours is and my missus was the same. Nail the bits back up she would cry out every time there was even the gentlest breeze and it fell apart. It was more nails than wood in the end!!
@meesterboom too funny! So you will be hiding from your neighbors AND your house! Lol...you could always get a fence, and "fence them out" :)
Cheers @sgnsteems!! I might have to fence myself in!!! Hehe!! :0D
Dude, you already know my thoughts about the plants. Now that you have unleashed them, you are at their mercy and have to live with what you have done. We don't want anything bad to Happen(ing) now don't we?
The scene with your neighbor is like it was lifted off a movie! Haha! There really are those kinds of folks that can't get a hint that privacy is a necessity. You really a painted a picture with that Alright Mate! Like a fellow who doesn't understand personal space haha A man has to have a safe space to get his Taps Aff without worrying about anything for God's sake!
Oh, and by the way, we use bamboo to get around that block restriction, too. So you're completely in the right with your strategy, dude ;))
Phew, its good to hear I am on the right track!
He is such a cheery soul too. I feel bad but at the same time I am like man, I need peace
It won't be long before I have a giant bamboo forest taking care of the peace aspect. Or.. I will be subsumed by it. Either way, happy days!! :0D
Oh, I know those types all too well. Even though you're a happy person yourself, you come off as a curmudgeon next to those people haha! I'm laughing hysterically as I write, imagining the encounters between you two. Complete with quick zoom-ins, and lines of utter horror, of course!
Will done those reactions will be no more!! No more, that is unless we find ourselves brothers in arms fighting the bamboo war!!
If the Bamboo uprising will ever begin in the Town of the Grey Dog (the city formerly known as Green Hollow), then trust that I shall ride the rainbow bridge to lend my steel to ye, brother!
I love a poetic turn of phrase!! Hurrah for the brothers of steel!!! :0)
Steel > Grass, any day. ANY DAY!
Great Post and funny to read! Guess you made your own Amazones Area :P. Hope your neighbours can appreciate pretty Bamboo lol?
Yeah they might actually like it!!! Cheers dude!
Hahaha nice man and if they don't like it; then change topic to Fight Bamboo....with Fire?? :P Look forward to you next posts, cheers!
Ha, clever!! Yes that would definitely be the next title!!! :0)
Reading this was fun. What a neighbourhood you are a part of! If I were you I would start working on your surprised look right about now. By the way I came to know you through @fiction-trail, that’s why I know you love fiction too. Yesterday I have opened the registration for the DnD like game for Steemit I’ve been working on and I’m seeking all the talented authors and lovers of storytelling. I would be honoured if you joined :).
I m glad you enjoyed it! I am in the really cool bit of Glasgow! :O)
Oh good old fiction-trail! IS it on a post? I will most certainly check it out!
Cool, alternative, free...lots of words to describe that bit of yours: P. I have linked it to a word registration on my previous comment :).
Ha silly me, I never even noticed the blue link!
If they get out of hand, just rent a stump grinder and go down the edge. That would make for a fun annual project!
I do like to find myself new hobbies! :O)
I can see it now -- you running the stump grinder on a Staurday while you are sampling all those beers. And bellowing at your bamboo. ; )
No, no, no! Never let it run free. Once it spreads you won't get rid of it- it will even grow through tarmac. I have my bamboo in containers, within wooden troughs, on paving slabs that sit on top of 2 foot of concrete- and I still check them regularly to make sure no rhizomes are trying to escape.
Here is some advice: https://www.rhs.org.uk/advice/profile?PID=210
Thank you, I have read it. I am ready for it. I have also read other stuff about controlling the number of canes that grow. I am ready for this battle.
Well, says me just now as it has only sprouted three canes. I will keep you updated ina a year or so when I am living atop a giant bamboo tower weeping leafy tears at the unjustice of it all
Decking is a modern nightmare! Good luck with the bamboo.
I just dont get it. Why cover up sweet sweet nature!
YES! You have unleashed a monster. It will consume everything and every body. But I think you can eat the new shoots. They are edible. Your neighbor will also however need to do battle with this new monster as it will begin to take over his side of the fence as well at some point. GREAT POST!
Aw man, that is awesome. I never thought for a moment it might start on his side of the fence! Thank you! Top news! As well as potentially having something to eat!
One thing it will do is provide a nice barrier like you wanted but it will need to be maintained as all. But yeah...free food. LOL
A bit of maintenance I expected! The other advantages will outweigh that :0D wooohooo!
I'm just imagining Ned Flanders next door. The suburbs are trippy. Maybe I'll be back one day but not until I'm a wizard.
You have to be a wizard to cope with the bizarre behaviours of some of the burbers!! There is a Ned Flanders thing going on! lol
What a fright, neighbor peering over the wall in your moment of browning reverie. I'da put something big up too...
and..."Well", said with slight upward lilt at the end. From what I've seen, you may be way beyond your 'nips' in clacking-in-the-wind green pretty soon. I've heard of people putting a 'moat' around the stuff, semi-deep walls of concrete into the ground, to keep it in place. So...."nah, it'll be right".
Just think of the bright side, if everything economic tanks, the stuff is pretty easy to sell. Especially when it's the size of your newly tanned legs...
Well that is a comfort. When all goes wrong and it has destroyed the very foundations of the house and the economic climate has tanked then I can probably live in it and also sell bits of it.
I am sold! Maybe I will start a bamboo eco village and invite people to stay through AIRBnB!
You can use it to run water to your new BnB house from the Glasgow ponds as well. Makes a great pipe. As Monty and the gang used to sing...Always look on the bright, side of (your) life".
The bright side I am looking!! :0D
As well as spreading rapidly it can crack the foundation of your house if it gets too close. This is another reason people don't plant bamboo in the suburbs. I've thought about it myself a few time but haven't taken the plunge. I'll be curious to see how it turns out for you! Good luck.
Oh my god thats awful.
However one saving grace, hopefully. Is that when I read about it, it was classed as a clumping bamboo and in the british climate easy to control. The I read further and other items said that in Scotland it doesnt spread much because of the cold. I hope I can police it so that it stays relatively in the one spot
nice...upvote and resteem for you...
Once again you stride among mortals like the most puissant of gods!
hahahaha....
:O)
:)
Thanks for sharing..
Dear friend #Scotland
You are very welcome, than you for stopping by :0)
Hehe thanks.!!
Hi, I've seen some of your publications I'm going to follow, follow me and let's collaborate together =)
Wow.. Like it much..
Why thank you! Following back!
Thank you for following back.. 💞👌
That wasn't mean to your neighbor. Staking him to the ground on his back and planting bamboo seeds underneath him and watching them grow up through his torso, that would have been mean! :<O
Woo that is very true! There is still time!!
Just remember this conversation is saved on the blockchain. That makes it premeditated! lol
Lol, oh yes, I am aware!!
Exactly and the surprise is the key.... oh goodness what are those massive canes doing popping up everywhere? etc etc :O)
You know I was thinking exactly the same thing. I have high hopes that it will be me. Says me sweating slightly!