I haven't been to a hairdresser for a trim very long time - I trim my own hair. Part of the reason is that I just can't find the time to book in advance, the other reason is that I can achieve close enough to the same result myself, which has likely saved me a couple thousand euros over the last 15 years. I can't even remember the last time I had my haircut done by someone else, but I do know a few hairdressers, have grown up with them in my life from a young age and one thing always gets mentioned - how much people tell them.
I think the idea is that hairdressers (and bartenders) are like being at the confessional, except they aren't judging and they aren't looking to impose some kind of punishment for salvation, they are uninvested, impartial and represent a sounding board to listen and reflect ideas upon. While not a hairdresser or bartender, this is how I have been used since coming to Finland, where people who generally do not share intimate details of their lives, feel comfortable to share with me.
Over the years I have heard all manner of things confessed, from people who are worried about their job security, to others who are cheating on their partners and one time where a person who I later discovered was contemplating suicide, chose to reevaluate her decisions based on a discussion we had in an English class. I have literally had thousands of students and clients over the last 17 years and it is near uniform that they "open up" and talk. They are almost compelled to do so.
There are a number of factors at play as to why this is the case, with the language being one. When we speak a secondary language, a lot of the emotional connection to what we are saying is detached, meaning we are able to go deeper into a topic without triggering a strong emotional reaction. This is also why people when speaking secondary languages can seem "rude" and "blunt" as there are less filters in place - again, there are reasons for this including the mental bandwidth - meaning that unlike their mother tongue, it takes effort to form the sentences.
However, I think that what is going on is an indication of people who have a lot to say, but don't have anyone to say it to. Yes, they have the family and friends closest to them, but it seems that they are the hardest to confide in, especially when there are issues concerning them. It might be that because everyone is invested in the discussion, the discussion is harder to have. I think that this is also why people tend to share more of themselves online than what they do with their family these days - where family need to keep up to date with posts to have an idea of what is going on in their loved one's lives.
But, I also think that because of this process, we are disconnecting ourselves from those who are actually invested in us being our best - meaning that we spend more time discussing with strangers than with the people we care about. We have created a weird environment where we are able to share our thoughts globally, but struggle to speak to those who we live with locally, where we influence each other far more directly. We have access to a million connections, but fail to connect meaningfully with any.
I think that part of the reason is that unlike the hairdresser and bartender, people online aren't looking to listen, they are looking to share. The value of the internet is the ability to distribute information and social media encourages a stream of sharing, not caring.
I was talking to a friend the other day about the disconnection and loneliness that people feel and they argued that we are more connected than ever. But, scroll through Instagram and see the lie. There is account after account of selfies, as if someone wants to see a stream of pictures of us. But what people don't seem to recognize is that they are generally selfies - no one else is there - it is a person alone, taking a picture of themselves to share, seemingly in a way to connect with others. A billion heads floating alone in the ether - saying nothing of consequence.
The level of depression is on the rise, the dependence on drugs to regulate emotions is on the rise, the discontent and social violence is on the rise - and I suspect that all of the digital noise that is now spilling onto the streets is a symptom of people not actually being listened to. People might say that it is about the conversation between society and government - but I do not think that this is the root at all - it is a lack of conversation at the most intimate levels - people not being listened to in the home or in their immediate circle, as the face-to-face of conversation has been removed, with the latest nail being an engineered and pandemic that ramps up fear and severely restricts meaningful engagement.
I believe that what we forget about the ills of society is that we are that society, we as individuals affect all things at the granular micro level to create groups that ramp up into macro trends. A dysfunctional society is symptomatic of the sickness of individuals and over the last decades, we have driven compartmentalization and fragmentation of people into single cells that are no longer tied to even the people living under the same roof. We blame the system, the same system we have created and continue to support in a myriad ways.
Perhaps a large part of the problem is that the online world we are encouraged to engage with doesn't have to reflect our reality, whereas when we are talking with those we are actually surrounded by, the disconnection is obvious. Online we can be "anyone" - whereas in reality we are already someone.
This is both a blessing and a curse as we do not have to be trapped by the expectations built on our past performance, but if we are not careful, the digital world we create is not representative of who we actually are - and while we can fool the strangers, it is more difficult to fool ourselves. Even if we manage to ignore the gap between digital and reality, we can still feel it as a hole that needs to be filled, but we are incentivized to try filling it, by digging a deeper hole for ourselves.
There is a massive amount of value to conversations with strangers, but at some point, we need to bring the discussion home.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
Love this. There are so many angles from which we can view the phenomena of today, and your hypothesis is an intriguing one. I think, as you said at the very end of your article, that there is indeed value in conversations with strangers; but if you find that you are routinely craving that outlet, there is probably a gap in how well you are nurturing and investing in your relationships with those closest to you.
You’ve actually talked about three ways of communicating: one-to-one with a stranger who has a listening ear, like a bartender or hairdresser; one-to-many, like on social media; and one-to-one with someone close. The hardest one is often the latter. I think it’s because the patterns are set around daily communications, like who’s taking the kid to piano lessons, and what’s for dinner. Really talking requires a somewhat aggressive approach and feels like an uncomfortable disruption.
Really interesting stuff around second-language communication. It’s so interesting that people confide in you that way. You nust give off vibes like a priest in a confessional, or the neighborhood bartender.
For the record, I’ve been cutting my own hair for over 30 years. I could never find a hairdresser who could get it right.
Yep. And I also think it is hard because we do not want to be judged harshly by those we care about and who care about us. We also have the tendency to discount the views of those closest to us, while overweighing that of strangers. There is a lot to unpack in all of this :)
It has been this way since I was a kid and even in primary school, teachers would talk with me.
At least in a zombie apocalypse - we will look good ;D
Thank goodness, in the zombie apocalypse a few of us will be looking GOOD!
It is important for survival - the pretty ones are the last to go ;D
!ENGAGE 20
ENGAGEtokens.Ha ha, yes, that is another option!
"I have literally had thousands of students and clients over the last 17 years and it is near uniform that they "open up" and talk. They are almost compelled to do so".
My wife calls me "Mister sounding board" hahaha.
People have truth registers and they can feel if a person is open to a personal discussion.
Of course it is so much easier to speak to an experienced stranger and the most unbelievable truths in trapped lives are revealed at times.
You are obviously a good listener and I feel that all of these "confessions" are also affecting our own psyches in way.
Here's the rule that I follow whenever a soul lays down their life story in my ears.
"Don't say a word unless you can improve on the silence"
I think that this depends on age these days, as I have noticed that the "internet generations" are very bad at evaluating people in real life - it is like they can no longer read human cues. Which makes sense based on where they have learned.
In Finland they say "Silence is golden" but I think that most just don't have any tools to improve the silence ;D
Marian and I was discussing this new breed in town recently Taraz.
A new young neighbor moved in and the first thing that he did was to start borrowing my tools. Now of course I don't mind, but he doesn't give anything back.
He is a Web developer that grew up in an IT world and it's difficult to have a discussion with him as that world is all that he seems to know.
He borrowed my auto drilling machine and I heard the screams of the drill bits next door as he was drilling away at something at high speed. So I rushed over to see what he was doing, fearing that he will burn my machine out.
I had to spend about an hour to teach him how to drill different materials at the correct speeds. Job done and well done!
But no, about a week later he was back to borrow the drilling machine again.
Can you believe that he was drilling at high speed again?
This time I left him alone and after a while he came to ask me for drill bits as his bits were blunt. It pained me, but I refused, as my bits are sharp and I look after them. So that was the end?
No, I had to go and ask him for my machine again.
So, the moral of the story is that "internet persons" are very bad at life in general my friend. Their evaluation senses seem to be as blunt as this guys drill bits, simply because they live a strange quick fix, high speed life lol.
I think that it is a symptom of making everything disposable and replaceable. There is no need to learn how to use something if you are going to throw it away anyway. Perhaps it would be a different case if there was more of an immediate cost to breakage - like having to go and buy your own bits :)
Yeah, you have hit the nail on the head with this one.
That's exactly what it is, a loss of values and care. I know that almost everyone and myself have a need to borrow a tool at some time, but then you look after it and you return it at times in a better condition than you received it.
But not this new generation, as to then everything is throw away stuff and non returnable. Very worrying for the future methinks!
Definitely is a concern. I hope I can teach my daughter to value what she has.
I am sure that you will.
I think the children of today are all getting lost in the online world. Shy and nervous in the real world, but heroes in their virtual world.
It started a long time ago and has progressively worsened over time.
But then again, the other side of the coin is that we work with many poor children that have no internet, or mobile phones. So maybe one half of the worlds population would be IT professionals and the other half would do all of the physical work and stuff.
!ENGAGE 20
Thank you @tarazkp
ENGAGEtokens.Thank you kindly!
I was a bar tender for two years as my second job whilst living in the UK. The stuff I was forced to listen to was painful as it was the same faces every day.I have experienced similar online with needy people and at least you can mute them on here.I still don't understand people trying to be someone they aren't as it makes no sense. They are only kidding themselves as who really cares.
Your hair looks ok and it gets easier the older you get. Look at @meesterboom as when last did he see a barber? If he walked in I would do it for free out of pity lol.
I can't imagine the banality of the "locals" in pubs.
Boomy is turning into a hipster. Soon he will have a waxed beard too.
Wait until you get barflies. The bane and yet pillar of bartenders. None want them, yet all need them since they are "single females populating the bar which attracts spending males".
Luckily I've never worked in places which had every day the same regulars. Twice a week was usually maximum for the die hard fans. Altho I think I've had some barflies who violated that average. Sadly enough. Yet, what happens in the bar stays in the bar. Not sure that applies to the hairdresser though. I've heard gossip from hairdressers which would see bartenders fired if they shared as much and easily.
I steer clear of the barflies - they tend to stick around the bar - I prefer to head home ;D
Hairdressers tend to work with the same people over and over and even though their customers might not know each other, the network is quite localized. Probably sets up some interesting conversations :)
Bar staff does gossip a lot among each other, but in the night scene I always felt we were like hookers... guests expect "secrecy". Definitely from the people behind the bar. Those stories were shared with the bartender, not with the local tabloid reporter.
I would say that was in an Era before Smartphones but I also remember some bistros which had a no smartphone policy.
Fun question: what do you do when you hear relative large drug deals being negotiated in your bar?
Less tricky: will you tell everyone who all snorted a line of coke last night?
!ENGAGE 30
ENGAGEtokens.Had to look up "banal" lol. They were as boring as hell repeating week after week and if one wanted to commit suicide I would have encouraged it.
Boomy has always been a hipster and miss his Saturday videos. Just not the same these days.
I don't use weird words often :)
Sometimes I think we would be better off as a society if voluntary euthanasia was legal.
Lol. Cheeky monkey. I'm a well trimmed and coiffed gentleman!!!
Think I will get the trimmers out tomorrow right enough :0D
Well trimmed? Just grow it and have some facial hair to play your Father Christmas role this year. I must admit I leave mine for a week or two and look 20 years older with all the grey hairs dominating these days. It sure is no fun any more.
I think that's the reason that I get all choppy every two weeks. I can't cope with the fact it's all silver where it was once gold, lol
I love it.
Speaking a second language creates some nice distance with the baggage of the first language which can be relieving for some people. That’s actually why, despite the whole “English teacher in Asia” having a terrible stereotype, I’ve actually come to love it. People open up to me and I feel privileged by the chance to listen and sometimes even help them.
Does it have a terrible reputation? I didn't know that.
I am not much of an English teacher, but I enjoy being in the classes. I don't teach much English directly these days, but thankfully, I am still in the class a lot.
I have always found it interesting how far-reaching conversation are when emotions are detached.
I guess because In the past they often looked at race/nationality/appearance over experience/ability and so they got themselves a ton of creepy ass dudes with particular fetishes who come to Asia cause no one likes them in their home country. I mean there is variety for sure, but that’s the image people have. I own it though lol 😆 I don’t fit in anywhere so I’d rather be somewhere where I’m not expected to fit in and I love helping people grow so whatever!
Ah - that makes sense. Weirdly. In Finland it is a bit different with 95% of language teachers being women.
!ENGAGE 20
ENGAGEtokens.That's a caricature of the Internet. While it may be a large part (too large a part, I'd say) of how most people experience the Internet, it is far from the whole truth. In fact, this opinion piece of yours is itself on the Internet.
The Internet and various communities on it have been a godsend to a lot of people who'd otherwise have been marginalized by mainstream society. In my daughter's social life, for example, the Internet has been a net positive. While she had a couple of friends, loosely speaking, that she'd hang out with at school and after school in the first and second grade, there were none she could see eye to eye with. In her current school and class, there's at best one but that pupil is a boy and he tends to hang out with his own friends. Lately, the pandemic has slowed down her IRL social life quite a bit. Years ago, she befriended a few kids here age on a social media platform who live in other countries with whom she has much more in common than with any of her classmates. In her former school, her social environment was downright toxic and we are happy to have relocated to an entirely different part of the city. Add to that the fact that most of her classmates were substantially less intelligent and also more childish than her, and it was clear that the conditions were far from ideal. Being restricted to IRL interactions would've made the situation even less tolerable.
On the Internet, there are many forums and platforms specifically built for people seeking support. Some are moderated well. You mentioned the ease of talking about difficult issues in a foreign language. This is precisely what is at everyone's fingertips these days. As a cherry on top, there's Hive, a monetized platform that provides financial value in exchange for participation in addition to all of the intangible value.
something like 50% of the internet is on instagram and Facebook - so it isn't exactly a small percentage.
This is true. Pedophiles sharing videos and images of child abuse are a great example of the power of connecting minorities. While there are lots of positives, there are also a lot of negatives, where a very outspoken minority can heavily skew opinion and behavior.
This also illustrates the stupidity of nationalism. People from very different backgrounds can find more in common than with their own neighbours at times.
It is incredible that there aren't 100M people here.
!ENGAGE 20
ENGAGEtokens.If it's not the hairdresser or the bartender, it's that random person at a pub you've started bonding with while you both were drunk as fuck.
I've also noticed the funny thing about languages but it's not exactly comparing one to another but rather a cultural difference thing. For example for Estonians love is a very intimate thing. We say ''ma armastan sind'' (''I love you'') rarely and only to the people closest to us (parents, children, siblings, partners), while I've noticed the English ''I love you'' thrown around pretty easilly to friends, acquaintances, even strangers on the Internet.
And it really is easier to open up about one's troubles and worries to strangers on the web than to people close to you.
It has been a while ;D
Mä rakastan sinua (in Finnish). It doesn't sound pretty :D - But it is the same here - "love" is rarely used. When I first came here, I said "thanks love" to a waitress (equivalent to thanks mate) and she blushed heavily.
The screen also offers "protection" for better and worse. A lot of peoplemind find help, but the same mechanisms are where trolls live too.
!ENGAGE 20
ENGAGEtokens.For the record, I'm still wearing the covid cut. Haven't been to a barber/stylist since January. I've worn my hair long before in my life so I don't have any particular issues with letting it go. Except around the ears which I trim myself. I can't stand to have my ears tickled by stray hair.
But I have and do talk at an intimate and personal level with a very small circle of friends and family. I need to do so to keep my personal toxin level at 'manageable'.
I'm a part of a program which demands self examination and admission. I have shared my most intimate and deepest secrets with another human. Part of the contract for doing that is the responsibility for hearing another person's secrets. I have literally been the recipient a few times in the last 30 years.
Which is to say that I empathize with bartenders and hairstylists and other empaths in our society. It's an absolutely vital service, and I thank you for your part in it.
I was just talking to some random duck on the innerwebs (actually, it was your brother :)) about how attackers need to dehumanize their attackees. It seems so easy for some, but I honestly feel that for every attacker there are at least a hundred observers that just can't be bothered to go there. It's important for me to remember that and them.
Maybe I haven't been to the barber/stylist because there really haven't been any sports scores to discuss. That's about as intimate as I can be while getting my hair cut....
I think as long as there is a give and take approach - it is all good. Toxin shared to another isn't necessarily toxic to them - and vice versa.
Do you think that the program you describe should be some kind of cultural norm in society? Not necessarily the same, but common practice in some way.
Yep - the dehumanization seems to be like stretching practice, it is getting easier for many. I don't blame many observers for not getting involved and perhaps it is better that most don't, unless they have some tools to carry in. often, people who get involved carry their own emotional baggage and do more harm than good.
I get naked with my barber ;D
Ahahahahaha. I'll just sweet guarantee you I don't!
I'd sure hate to see the government get involved in any way. It is the most decentralized organization on earth. Part of it's success. This may require some DM work. I'm fast running out of things to say.
Parts of it might work as a cultural norm except that it is entirely voluntary with no strings of any sort. That doesn't translate to the masses very well.
Do you think the trolls will ever run out of return (ROI:)) and mostly just quit? I don't but it's sure a nice dream. Or do they just aspire to President?
Yeah, I don't think the G should have anything to do with it, but I wonder if through cultural habit, some of the ideas behind the support network could be implemented.
It is all upside for the trolls at the moment, no personal cost.
!ENGAGE 20
ENGAGEtokens.I am a hairdresser and yes it is a confesional. Actually I have learned so much from other peoples' stories that I got imense value just from the experience itself. I love hearing and listening the words of wisdom some people offer to me while I do their hair. It's priceless.
Are you ever shocked by what people tell you?
Yes, it happened to me. I prefer to listen quietly and not judge. But some stories and attitudes chosen by people are just.... Fascinating. On both sides of the spectrum.
Yeah, I am sure there is a lot of uplifting stuff too, but I am guessing some use it as a dumping ground.
I noticed that most use it as a sort of therapy. I have met beautiful people with gentle souls and I learned a lot from them. I never take the negative stuff. I focus on the positive and I try to learn how to see the best in maybe the worst people.
I think it is more common these days for people to talk to strangers, as many people have no one close. Here in Finland (probably other places) elderly go to shops and talk to the cashier for connection. I would predict that the same is happening in other areas and younger ages too.
You're right. Sometimes people would tell a stranger what they won't tell to a family member. I guess it shows a need for more genuine heartfelt connections inside a family and if they can't change something there, they search for a substitute somewhere else. Unlike from a therapist session, where they could be helped to break old family patterns and reestablish a healthier connection with the loved ones, from a stranger you can only get a quick fix, to spill out your issues. It does not solve the main issue though. Because I believe that people who pour their heart out to strangers would rather do it towards their loved ones. But from various reasons, they don't. It would be so much nicer if family patterns would be changed and people would realize that, but few do.
!ENGAGE 20
ENGAGEtokens.Good of you to bring up talking about your emotions with a secondary language being easier, I can totally agree. I even dislike songs and fictional books in Finnish because the language is too close and it’s often hard to get into the story when it’s my own language.
When ever someone disappears at their own will or commits suicide, the families always say ”can’t be right, he/she would never” but their not-so-close friends and online acquintances have all seen the signs that they were not alright.
Perhaps in Finnish it limits the room for imagination?
For sure... "they would never" and "they never said" - while strangers knew they were unhappy. Perhaps the strangers assumed they had someone to talk to, a big assumption these days.
Because you wouldn't miss as many nuances?
You can't get a neutral opinion from any of your nearest and dearest. Firstly, they may have become accustomed to whatever signs there may be and not be alerted by them. They may also be plagued by wishful thinking, denial stemming from guilt or fear or any other baggage preventing them from seeing the situation objectively.
Maybe that, or it is that Finns tend to be quite literal and explain everything without leaving room.
History plays a big part in those close relationships and endure at times more strongly than the current moment. Perhaps strangers don't know the history don't color as much.
Or just do not explain anything. All or nothing. :)
Possibly.
In Finnish it’s hard to imagine the conversation in the books because they would never happen in homes or workplaces here.
Knowing someone is depressed is a difficult matter to deal with, even if you know they don’t have anyone to talk to. I do think at the core of it, everyone is responsible for their own happiness. When I was a teen, I knew several boys/men older than myself who said they were suicidal and I’d always rush to their side emotionally, only to later realise that that really was not my responsibility and I think most just used my innocense to keep me close like that. I now only reserve that kind of love to only the most closest people to me.
I agree. I wonder what are the differences in personal tools between the happy and the depressed.
Were they suicidal, or were they attention seekers? I think that often those who "say" it are not the ones to do it. I have known a couple suicides on the periphery of my life. It was always unexpected.
When I heard from my client it was a surprise to me. It was a bigger surprise that she told me after the fact - she could have never said a word.
Some people are just build with a negative undercurrent, and some with positive. Maybe a faulty gene?
I’ve talked to people who have always been the kind that they don’t really love life, and never have, even when they were quite little. It’s really hard to understand when you yourself have always been really keen on living.
I think everyone that said they are suicidal or trying to drink themselves to death have been attention seekers, since all these fuckers are still alive to this day, after over 10 years.
Possibly. I agree that we are born with different dispositions, but I think that we aren't born to have to suffer. I think we can affect our outcomes. Perhaps the problem is when we try things that don't suit who we are and then wonder why we fail.
An excuse to get some support so they don't have to change themselves.
!ENGAGE 20
ENGAGEtokens.Long ago, before the internet penetrated society, most of us were members of different groups. Extra school sports or activities the students, social groups, or interests adults.
Those groups, associations, or clubs were places where one could enjoy practicing, learning, or enjoying with people having the same likes, but at the same time, we were socializing. I remember most of my friend's mums were not working back then, they were taking care of the house and the kids.
As a society, we have all entered the growth rate, this race has made us live in families where both members work (which is good for many things) to pay for bills sometimes they don't need, killing many possibilities of social life.
Internet and social media platforms have given us the false expectation that we could go back to those "old" times, but it is just the opposite.
This is really interesting. I think that a lot of the draw of "cross-fit" group activity is because people are trying to find a way to return from the solo life.
There is a consequence to every action and where we are now is affected by what we thought would improve life way back when. While I don't think that mothers should stay home, there are consequences to them not. Finding the best path is a lot of trial and error.
It speaks well of you that people are willing to open up and share their story.
Likely something to do with it, but if you are going to post selfies all day, there is unlikely to be much deep and/or meaningful going on.
No, but lots of bandwagoning and searching for quick purpose.
@tarazkp, is your wife your hair designer?
I think that people who are isolated without adapting to rapid changes in society fall into Internet addiction.
No, I do my own hair.
I think it plays a big part. At least most of us aren't designed to be socially disconnected.
Too much of something is rarely good. Moderation should be observed.
Now that online platforms and communities filled the gap in our "social animal" nature, the balance could really be hard to achieve between to real life and online connection.
I guess the secret is to establish a level of comfortability in our real life relationships so that the need to confide to strangers would be kept at a minimum. That adds to the long list of relationship goals right there.
The challenge here is it is a two way street - so both parties have to agree, meaning both have to recognize the need and match in personality too.
I really can't say much about the security of speaking in a second language, but I have found that people tend to confide in people who they consider to be detached. I know this coz I'm considered a detached person. I have never understood why. I'm not a hairdresser or a bartender.
I often take the role of the brick wall or the pillow that absorbs the tears and curses without much of a comeback or advise even. But it still attracts people.
Most times, all I do is repeat what they told me and I'm considered a valued advisor. It's intriguing.
I think people like the detached because they know what reaction to expect - not much :)
True.
Like you said there are a lot of factors that could affect the idea of people wanting to open up to you. But I also know they would not consider it if they didn't feel like you are a good listener and have a good head on your shoulders. Of course there is also the fact that there is no judgement coming from your end. Advice maybe but never judgement.
The whole thing is a mess honestly.
The social media that was meant to being us together and make us feel closer is the same thing that has contributed to the feeling of depression and underachievement.
We do tend to be more "broken" than before and have less idea of who we are as consistent beings. Seems everyone is fragmented, picking and choosing what they support, no matter if each is in direct opposition to themselves.
Yeah. It's like this endless cycle of trying to fit in and belong. What's more funny is the fact that the people we look up to so much either don't know we exist or don't even care.
Hilarious, isn't it? We make heroes out of strangers and villians out of loved ones.
I have mich more simpler reason not to visit hairdresser - my hirs mostly run away, lol. And it actually started while while ago. So i need now only once in couple of weeks to cut those small residues just with haircutting machine. But im ok with it and its really economical and time saving, lol
!bro
:D
I have shaved my head a couple times to make sure I am prepared, just in case.
You have just been bro-fisted by the guys in the man cave and now have 1 more BRO. Enjoy!**
For more info, please give us a look in here: https://discord.gg/qd8J2x3
The flashing is extremely irritating. Would you consider modifying that gif animation?
It is lucky I am not pregnant
:)
Where are their masks?
2015 was so full of promise.
Those clickbait titles annoy me.
a reminder why I don't spend much time surfing the internet :)