Do you know that feeling, that you have to do something.....but can´t quite remember what?
This story is just that.
I remember being told to write it but I can´t remember what I was supposed to tell you. What I do know is that everything I am going to tell you really happened, even though it may unbelievable sometimes.
Hit Rewind to start from Chapter One
Chapter 37
I bought new cups and, for full disclosure, I smashed the next one, which was probably the first and last one I would smash.
Previously I admitted to smashing walls and hitting doors but till now I did not brake any crockery. Till now indeed.
It was late, at least for me it was. I had to get up at 06:15 the next morning and the hands of the clock kept moving and so did her lips. I could only think about how I would get through tomorrow.
This was not a first, it had happened so many times before and she did not care. I needed to bring in the money, need to rise in the corporate world, but hell why would I need a good night's sleep to achieve that? Even when I ended the discussion by admitting to the fact that she was right and I should have handled things differently, again, it would be hard to fall asleep.
In your bed, you go over that discussion hundreds of times until eventually, you fall asleep knowing you did it wrong again. Once I did I would have 4 hours left, if I was lucky. After those four hours, my brain would be mush for the rest of the day and I would need all my energy to not mess up at work.
I don´t think she ever considered that her keeping me in these endless discussions might be the end of my corporate career. All the fighting had taken its toll on me, I had no happy energy anymore. My days would start with waking up and walking the four dogs that she had gathered around her because she needed the love. Four dogs that she did not walk.
After they did their messy business I would make breakfast for Kyrian and myself. Prep me a lunch, wake up Kyrian, make him eat breakfast, get him dressed and brush his teeth and make sure the Workawayer (if any) was up and ready to take him to the school bus.
As soon as they came downstairs I would give them a two-minute recap of what needed to be done today after which I could go and get my bus. The office was in the city center of Granada and was living in a suburban town. As soon as I knew I was at the bus stop on time I could finally relax for a bit.
The drive would take me to the old city center from where I needed to walk another 30 minutes. Those were the best 30 minutes of the day, with nobody to bother me and all I needed to do was walk true the beautiful streets of Granada listening to my favorite tunes.
Eightandahalf hours later I could walk that same route back to the bus, not as nice as the morning walks because during the summer months, temperatures could reach over 40 Celsius. Still, it was all the time I had to myself because as soon as I got home I would have to work my second job. Managing a household with a young kid, a sick wife, and Workawayers that needed guidance, tasks, and a friendly chat.
There was one more light at the end of that daily tunnel. If I was lucky I would have time for one drink before going to bed, just a nice bit of Vodka or Gin to calm my brain. A brain that was slowly waking up to what was really going on here.
A brain that was starting to see the warning signs, why didn´t I see them years ago when I looked at John and saw how Mel was asking too much of him?
Both situations may not fully compare, but I saw back then what I feel right now. A guy being pushed into something he could not deal with. Being maneuvered into a position that was impossible to get out of without breaking stuff.
My first warning came from those workawayers spilling the beans on what the little majesty did in my absences. The second warning came when I was at the doctors.
I was there for my migraine or better to get a Justificante to prove to HR at work that I had actually been sick, when she said: "You know what you need, you need to find something you like to do. What do you like?" I looked up at the doctor and thought; you, as she was kinda cute for a doctor. But with Stephie sitting next to I kept silent.
The fact that nothing came to mind, absolutely nothing might also be the reason for me not opening my mouth for once. "That is a good plan," I said eventually trying to smile. While inside my head I was really trying to come up with something that I liked to do.
I had been running like this for years now, I had not even thought about myself and my time. And now that I was asked, what do you like there was nothing left. I was empty, I was a caretaker, taking care of everyone and their dogs.
All I had were financial worries, relational worries, parental worries, and no one to talk to really. The fact that now that I was asked there was no answer actually frightened me as if there was no more me.
That doctor's visit had probably taken place a month or maybe two before what happened next.
Something in me was done with her manipulative ways of putting me in a corner I could not get out of. No more would try to keep the peace. No more would I let her decide what is wrong and right.
Her lips kept moving and all I wanted was peace and quiet when I smashed that teacup so hard against the wall that the potsherds spread out over the whole room.
I looked at the shrapnel and then at Stephie: "You wanna know what is going on in my head," I said. She looked at me with that same face I had seen on her mom several years ago.
That smug face with that self-satisfied demonic smile, because she thought she got me exactly where she wanted. More proof of my aggression and inability to have a 'normal' discussion or express my feelings. "I could kill you," I growled softly.
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Well, knowing what you told us and what we saw and what I now read in this story, I can totally imagine these feelings popping up. Even though you would not act upon it, once you see the true colors, it's hard to un-see.
I remember my ex doing the same the last period before we fled to a shelter, keeping me up all night with fights, not caring that the youngest was all upset, even grabbing him from me to stay in the bedroom with him while I needed to sleep on the couch.. Long stressful nights with a baby needing attention while him trying to suck the life out of me. These type of people are a different kind.
And I can still remember the trip by bus and walk from both your homes to the company. When we drove back last time when we rented a car, we crossed the company as well. All familiar even after all these years :)
!PIMP
You must be killin' it out here!
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You earned 1.000 PIMP for the strong hand.
They're getting a workout and slapped 1/2 possible people today.
Read about some PIMP Shit or Look for the PIMP District
It´s like they do not care about anything, or do they just not see it I keep wondering.
Well the picture is from the street just behind the bus stop so we actually never saw it walking to the office but it was close 😂
I didn't mean the picture but that I remember how we walked to the bus and then office.. Also from the first home how the walk to bus stop downhill was and then driving to Granada :)
I think they feed on our frustrations, anger, fear and that gives them power and they keep growing it for as long as we let them.
I know you didn´t mean the picture, but I got frustrated not finding a Free pic that was on our route
Ok haha.. I never thought you'd use real pictures.. Now I wonder if the girl in the other pictures of other parts is your ex.. I don't remember her that way at least..
Nah i have used some real pictures (especially for the Alpujarra and cortijo part) but most are from pixabay and I never added a picture referring to her, I still don't feel good seeing her.
I can imagine ;)
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I got those feelings sometimes.